Ending July...

The final day of July and I'm ending it on an emotional roller coaster, much like the month has been to me. I don't know if I should be hopeful, relieved, scared...I don't know.  And that's pretty much it.

I really need to stop watching the tail end of effing romantic movies, because real life just doesn't end that way. The whole fairytale of finally ending up with the person you're supposed to be with and one of you comes to your senses and realizes that the other person was there all along. Right in front of you...just waiting...in love with you.  You kiss and the sparks fly and time stands still, all you can hear is the beating of your heart, and all you can feel is that special person in your arms.

I'm much too logical and analytical for that kind of thing. It's never really been the fairytale for me. I mean, when I really think about it, there wasn't romance at the beginning of my marriage. He waited 5 years to ask me to marry him and basically when he knew I wasn't going to wait around anymore...that I had a life to lead. And the way he asked...well...we discussed that in a previous blog.  And during the marriage...when I really think about it, well...I was the one to supply the romance, and if only one person is doing that...is it really romance?  I don't think so.

Life is so short, and I fear that I may actually die and never really know that whole side to a long term relationship. There was an evening in front of a fire with the ex-boyfriend that was probably one of the most romantic of my life...but it was one night...extremely short and his daughter came home...etc. Enough said.

I see my friends talk about romance and date night and wonder how they do it. How did they find romantic guys? How do these guys know what makes my friends melt and do all that ukky love stuff?  Or is it the vast eternal con job that men instinctively grow up knowing...what buttons to push, what to say, what to do...blah blah blah.  I don't know.

I guess if love at first sight is possible, then anything can be possible...right? I just hope my cynicism doesn't rub off on my niece.  I want her to have it all!  Be the person she wants to be, do the jobs she wants to do, find the right man that actually deserves her and treats her like the princess that she is...for the rest of her life. Of course, I'm worrying about her and she isn't even Eleven yet. But what happens if something happens to me and I'm not around to watch over her? That's probably my biggest worry. Her brother is leading his life and is too far away to make sure his sister is safe, and her mother...well...

UGH...Fucking A...my thoughts are all over the fucking map!  Reading the above stuff just shows how much my brain is ping ponging thoughts all over the place.  Ever notice how much I swear when I'm frustrated?  It's like I can no longer articulate an intelligent thought, so I resort to crude language to make myself feel better.

I'm going to bed Peeps and slamming the fucking door on this bittersweet month.  I'll write again in August...think you can wait that long?

Addendum

So I just got another text from the Work Marine.  He says "Night" and I reply back "G'nite J".  Then he texts "Do you really not respect me?"  And I reply "What?????" So he calls.

This afternoon, when I dropped by his desk to thank him for the offer of a power cord, two of his co-workers were there and they've worked on teams of mine. So all four of us are chatting.  One of them asks how I know "J". And I make a flippant reply..."well, how do I know you?" and he says, "hey, both of us were on teams of yours, but as far as we know "J" hasn't been on one of your teams.  And I laugh and say, "We met in the salad line in the cafeteria....is that a big deal?" and he says  "you never come to visit us..." The other guy replies...yes she does.  She makes a habit to wave or stop by".  But it's obvious that they want to assume that there's a relationship going on between me and the Work Marine.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T TINKLE IN MY POND PEOPLE!!!  NEVER DATE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH!!!

So we're tossing out insults back and forth and I said that I only insult people I like.  He says well, you don't insult "J" and I said ..."That's because I don't respect him" as a joke (and right in front of "J").  Then I tap J on the shoulder and tell him that I'm just kidding. I did it to break the tension and let the other two know that J is on the same status as they are...someone I joke with...but don't date.  "J" of course totally misses the point (because he's got a damned crush on me) and thinks that I don't respect him, which is why he asked tonight.  So I had to explain the situation to him, and he says "Oh, I miss things like that.  You know you're right.  One of the other guys said that he'd totally dump his girlfriend for you".  I said "See?  This is why I don't date anyone in the work place".  To which he replied..."Well, I won't be working there forever and I won't be married for long".  

Why is it always the guys that you don't want that fall into your lap, and the guys you do want are so effing difficult and complicated???  It's my fault.  I'm too nice and I guess I need to be bitchier and abrupt about the way I feel....but then I think about if I was in that place (And God knows...I'VE BEEN THERE!!) how would I want to be treated?  So I try to be respectful and friendly, but just because I'm nice doesn't mean that there's a future for us!  And because the Work Marine works for a vendor, I need to be extremely careful that things don't get out of hand.  Jaysus...work just got that much more complicated!!!

I NEED SEX!  That will relieve my stress....Did I just say that out loud????

WTF!!!

So today I had an issue with my laptop.  The battery gave out after only being used for a half hour…right during a presentation with Management.  When I retrieved the power cord from my laptop bag…it didn’t even belong to the laptop.  Thank God for handouts or it would’ve been a total disaster.  I couldn’t figure out what went wrong since I used the same laptop for a presentation a couple of weeks ago, and it was on battery for over 2 hours. 

When I plugged the darned thing into the station, it completely died!  So I put in a call to the help desk and this person is completely inept. They ask me what model of laptop I have and when I tell them, they say that it’s old and why don’t I have a newer model.  REALLY??? Gee Moron, I thought it was your job to replace old equipment…you tell me why it hasn’t been replaced!!!  Totally torqued me! 

So I go to someone I trust and ask them to handle the situation…which they do.  But this is the same person that wants me to “swing” with him and his wife.  Yeah…NO! I post something on FB about my troubles and the Work Marine offers a cable.  I end up paying him a visit and thanking him for the offer, but basically the laptop needs replacing.  After I get back to my desk, I get this series of texts from him….

Ok, let’s break this down Dizzy Style:  Why did he take that comment personal? It’s not his job to rescue me, he’s not my boyfriend, or even a co-worker…he’s a vendor and an acquaintance that I’m getting to know. He shouldn’t be apologizing that he couldn’t come to my rescue and I don’t think what I said was a bad thing.  My Mother was always dependent upon some man to rescue her, and what did it get her?  A lifetime of dependence and no self esteem or purpose.  She’s still dependent upon me to save her from her crazy choices and bad decisions.  Don’t get me wrong Peeps.  Just because I don’t necessarily need a man to rescue me, doesn’t mean that I don’t want a man in my life.  But it would have to be a partnership…not one where he’s always rescuing me or me always rescuing him. And definitely not someone I work with or that’s married!!!  Is that so bad? Is that impossible to find? Did I slam his “manhood” by my comment?  For once, I’d like a guy to appreciate that I am independent and he doesn’t have the pressure of making sure I’m “taken care of”. 

After this little number, the guy that’s working on my laptop comes back with this exchange….

Ok…There’s no way in hell that I’d ever be on top of this guy doing a tarzan yell…He’s married, I work with him and he doesn’t do it for me.  Now I do have a work husband…It’s a guy I’ve known since the day I started on my job.  He’s a mentor and a great friend, but he knows that I have boundaries that I don’t cross at work.  We’ve discussed it and we’re clear.  When it comes to stuff on the job, we rely on each other’s opinion and good advice.  We’ve helped each other outside the workplace (he helped me move Colin Farrell to the house and helped with some of the tear down).  That’s it!  No more!  But this other person is taking it a bit too far and you’d think with my “No Comment” in all caps, that he’d get the picture. 

What the hell is up with people these days?  I’m getting a bit frustrated with the expectations of 3 ways, rescuing, comments about being on top, etc.  It’s obvious that I’m gonna have to start smacking some people upside the head with a “Respect” stick.  Do I have “EASY” stamped across my ass? Is my name and number written on public bathroom walls? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!!!

Love Continued....

This really wasn't going to be my topic again, but I got a late evening visit (4:30ish and she just left) and it just seemed to fit.

"S" readily admits to marrying too soon.  She met someone online and that was it. Now, 7? years into the relationship and she's realizing that maybe this is not the one. Their sex life is non-existent, she sleeps in the living room, he lives for coaching soccer, and there just has to be more to her life.  Everyone has told her that she won't get better physically until she leaves this toxic relationship, but at this point, she just isn't strong enough.

I worry about her, and I worry about her health.  But at the same time, I'm thankful for the lessons I'm learning through her. It starts my head churning with the questions of whether or not I can make decent choices or will I make mistakes. Am I ok with crashing and burning if things don't work out?  Will I pull up my big girl panties and carry on, looking toward the future and hoping that there is someone out there for me that will be the person I need...not perfect, just a good fit for someone like me that has faults and issues?

Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my happiness is....ME! I need to learn to let go and just breathe. I need to accept that I will get hurt, but that I should just enjoy the ride for whatever it may bring, both happiness and sadness.  I'm afraid of happy. It seems like most of the time, in my life, happiness is always followed by disappointment, sadness and hurt. I worry that happiness won't be the continuous ride I'd like it to be.  But therein lies the problem Boys and Girls.  Instead of just accepting happiness in the moment, the analytical part of me is looking ahead to the future expecting disappointment. BAD DIZ!!!

If I've learned one thing in this life of mine, I've learned it's too short. I have to take each moment and just enjoy it for what it is. I have to let go of the future and live in the here and now (with the exception of retirement planning...just sayin). I need to hope that the person I end up with will help me do that, rock me back on my heels and just tell me to  fucking chill! It may not be forever, but it is now, and now can be extraordinary.

I'm thankful for the visit this evening...even though getting up to rock Vin Diesel's world is gonna hurt! Because she reminded me that I just need to throw caution to the wind and just live. Enjoy the ride! Enjoy the people in it because it won't last forever, but I have the here and the now. Suck it up Dizzy...it may hurt in the future, but it feels fucking awesome right now!

G'nite Peeps.

Love

I don't have to tell you that July has been one hell of a rollercoaster month for me....Birthdays, Angel anniversaries, two declarations, presentations, 2 deaths by car accidents, freaky-assed shit, Independence Day and a memorial today. I'm actually looking forward to August! But despite the hurt, the longing and excluding the freaky-assed shit, it all really centered around love.

Love lost, love present, love past, and possibly love future.

The Memorial I attended today was of a man who lived across the street from me when I was in Jr. High and High School. His step daughter was my sister's best friend for years, and his step son was my brother's best friend.  I have stayed in touch with his step daughter and since my sister has hurt her and they're no longer speaking, we're still talking.

She's 9 months into her sobriety now and a couple of nights ago she asked me what I was doing on Sunday.  I told her I planned on attending her Dad's Memorial and she was extremely happy about that.  She was worried about being exposed to all the triggers that drove her to her 12 step program. I told her I had her back, and I'd kick anyone's ass who'd threaten her sobriety.

The minister spoke of the love of her step-fathers life (her mom).  Seems they'd both been married twice before and this was their third marriage. In their "Story" (we all have one), they both were born in Texas, they both moved to Sacramento, they both attended the same Jr. High and High School (but never knew each other) and he would often come into the restaurant where she worked as a waitress.  And they found each other. Apparently, they both ran to Reno for their first two marriages, so it was important to have an actual ceremony before God and friends because they wanted this marriage to last the distance. It did.  It really was a moving story and I just sat there hoping that one day, my story would be as poignant, as moving as theirs.

The minister also said something that rang a bell with me.  He said "Never ruin an apology with an excuse". Wow.  That's one I'll have to remember.  When I apologize, just say it and then shut up. No excuses, no reasons, just give it and mean it. I'm really glad I went, but man...what a way to end July.

Although I just vacationed at the end of May, I really feel like I need another one. July was a 2x4 that smacked me upside the head. The stress of it all has made me bite the inside of my bottom lip raw...bad Diz!!!  I thought I'd broken myself of that bad habit, but I see that I haven't and I'm going to have to start all over again.  So if you see me chewing gum, you know why. Good thing I haven't taken up cigarette smoking or chewing tobacco!

I've got a couple of things to work on in the house, so I'm working a half day tomorrow and the glass people are coming by to measure my custom shower door.  We'll see what happens with that.  I also need to pick out the carpet for my bedroom and they'll come measure also. Being a homeowner means that the work on the house and property is never done. UGH.  But, in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty lucky and I do love my home.  Sometime's it's a little too quiet and makes me think about getting another kitty...but.

Well Peeps...I appreciate you allowing me to bitch, but 3:15 comes to early and Vin Diesel needs his ass kicked tomorrow.  I don't think I could keep it together without Vin and the Blog. Hoping this blog finds you well and treasuring what you have. G'nite Peeps.

San Francisco

I got talked down from last night's debacle by my Cowboy, and I feel much better. That was some weird stuff last night.  UGH.  Fortunately, the morning started off great (I always love the sound of a special ringtone waking me) and I picked up my friend's son and headed to San Francisco.

We met my friend "M". I asked M if he would show T the gay side of San Francisco, so he'd feel more comfortable about going there and what was up.  I picked the right guy cuz M was so much fun and very knowledgeable. He pointed out the great restaurants, great shops, naughty places, great homes and architecture. He even took us to lunch at a great sushi place.

Although we didn't spend all the time we wanted there, at least T has some great places to hit up if he goes, and he made a new friend.  Doesn't get much better than that. T and I had a hell of a chat going there and coming back.  He's a talker that one, but he has good insight for someone so young.

By the way Peeps...do you know how intimidating it is to dress for a date with gay guys???  I mean, the gay guys I know are pretty well put together, smell good, dress nice, etc.  I just wasn't sure what the heck to wear.  I ended up with blue jeans, elevated black and white sneakers, white top, black blazer with 3/4 sleeves, and a crochet threaded multi-colored neck scarf.  I guess I did ok. Of course I wore my signature fragrance and I always get compliments on that...so it couldn't be all bad.

After we got home, I headed to the store and picked up some salmon to grill, juice, crackers, cheese, etc. Fired up the Que, poured a glass of wine and there we have it...a successful Saturday. Dizzy is not pushing her luck and going out tonight.  She's staying put and will probably watch a movie along with her second glass of wine...Hello Zinfandel!

Freaky Assed Shit...

be goin' down tonight!!!  Holy Crap!  Peeps, you know I'm pretty straight-laced...to an extent.  I don't mind getting all freaky deeky with a guy...my guy...but that's pretty much as far as I go.  I'm not into 3 somes, 4 somes, girl on girl, etc.  Don't get me wrong...I've kissed a girl and I've always said that I'd bat for the other team if we're talking Rhona Mitra or something.  But other than that...I am not into swinging, or any other weird-assed shit.

Tonight I was not in my comfort zone.  I ended up at a friend's house and they mixed me one fucking hell of a cocktail.  Mostly tequila.  Ok...I can handle that.  I knew we were BBQing and stuff and there's kids around, so I'd have plenty of time to drink it down, water it down, etc. But after the kids were fed and in their rooms watching a movie, we all decide to head to the pool.  I figure this is fine, no worries.

My friend and her guy is in the pool. He says he's a Navy Seal, etc.  I think he's bullshit with the way he was talking the entire night.  Yeah, he's muscular and all, but I smell douche. It's dark, there's little light, but everyone is joking and laughing...I suspect nothing...until I get into the pool.  Its me, my friend and her guy and they proceed to strip me of my bikini bottoms.  What the eff is up with that? I realize my friend is bottomless and her guy has no clothes on...REALLY?  This isn't my thing People.  But they're insistent and want to do some kind of threesome thing.  Uh yeah NO!  I'm not interested.

Another friend of hers joins us in the pool..Thank God, and she's into the threesome thing.  I retrieve my bottoms, put them on, get out of the pool and head home.  I'm totally freaked out by the whole damned thing. Am I a prude?  I had a chance to do a swinging thing in Cabo, but it weirds me out.  I don't want a stranger's hands on my body...I want the man I am with to have his hands on my body.  I don't want my man's hands on another woman when I am with him.  I fucking better be woman enough or I walk.

I wonder what was up with my friend.  Is she insecure and thinks that the only way to keep this new guy of hers is to let him do what he wants with her girlfriends? I just wouldn't be ok with that. I can keep my jealous streak under control when I'm apart from my guy du jour, but if we're together, that's a different ballgame.  I figure that if we're apart, and we have no commitment to each other, than we have no right to say or be jealous of who the other is with.  Don't like it? Then commit.  Otherwise, shut the fuck up.

I'm freaked People. I'm getting in the shower and washing off the cooties of the pool and of my friend and her guy.  I'll be thinking twice about accepting an invitation to her home...that's for damned sure. No..I didn't do anything with them. Actually I was laughing too hard to do anything anyway...and if you know me, you know my laughter is a nervous reaction to a sexual situation that I'm not comfortable with (I learned that last year about myself).

Fucking A! I'm feeling insecure right now.  AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF!

Don't Wanna...

Post tonight!  The evening is just perfect.  I just mixed a citrus margarita and now I'm gonna take it to my patio with my pretty party lights and music and totally chill. Wish someone was here to share it with me, but I'm going to enjoy it anyway.

Hope you're sharing your evening with the one you love and enjoying it too!

Colorful

It's weird how people will give you compliments, and although you can deserve some of them, others come across as sycophantic. I've told you before that I see myself more of a plain Jane that can rock what she has...not as someone who's gorgeous, beautiful (although everyone has beautiful moments), blah blah blah...

The man I'm looking for will love me for me. They will let me be me, do me, just be. The pressure of being a gorgeous woman isn't for me.  I'm just trying to maintain what I have. I worry that when a man lays those compliments on a little thick that I'm going to have to struggle to be that person they perceive...not me. Do you know what I mean? Yes, I can be a good person, but I'm not always good. Yes, I can have a tender heart, but sometimes it's as hard as stone. Yes, I can cry at the injustice in the world, but sometimes I want to cause a war. Yes, at times I can be simple, and yet at others I'm a complex as they come.

I want someone to recognize the juxtaposition that I am and accept the challenge that I will be.  I'm not easy. I'm not gorgeous and beautiful. But I am unique, as we all are. I'm frustrated because while I can take a compliment...when they keep coming, and coming, I get antsy. I don't know how to respond and I just want to scream "look at me!" You're not seeing me, you're looking at the surface and it changes day by day! The man who truly sees me will pay me the right compliment, and I'll know it.

The show is over close the story book

There will be no encore

And all the random hands that I have shook

Well they're reaching for the door

I watch their backs as they leave single file

But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful

I know I can be gray

But I know this loser's living fortunate

Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake

But you wouldn't pantomime

You are more beautiful when you awake

Than most are in a lifetime

Through the haze that is my memory well

You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful

I know I can be gray

But I know this loser's living fortunate

Cause I know you will love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see

We'll live in drama but we'll die in a comedy

I know I can be colorful...

Colorful by The Verve Pipe

Blessed

This morning I went to watch the sunrise with my Nephew. I left the house extremely early and since he's about 70 miles from me, I knew it would be a bit of a hike.  The nice thing about leaving early is that there's little traffic, so I had no problems. I had my Starbucks and water and was good to go.  When I got there, there was a band of clouds in the sky and it looked as though it might hide the sun.  But then, this ray of of sun came down and reflected off of his tombstone and it was spectacular! I knew then that although I might be a little melancholy, everything would be ok.

Afterward, I headed into work and put on my game face.  Yeah, today was awards day and I am lucky enough to be awarded with my team for our project.  I just wish it would've been on a different day.  Know what I mean? It went well and while our team was up on the stage, the CIO mentions that I was the project manager and that one of the ways I kept my team motivated was to feed them (it's actually the other way around...they were so awesome I had to find some way to thank them and baking seems to work).  When she went down the row, handing us our certificate and shaking our hand, she comes to me and whispers..."I didn't think it right to mention the margaritas!" Ah, my reputation precedes me...I busted out laughing!

Afterward, I decided to call it a day.  Too much of an emotional rollercoaster ride and I wanted off. Fortunately for me "R" texted and took me to lunch at "The Porch" downtown.  It is southern comfort food at it's finest!!!  I had the BBQ Shrimp and Grits and it was so creamy and comforting, I just can't describe it! I was in heaven!  We chatted about all the stuff going on (the two families we know suffering from loss and hurt with car accidents this weekend, work, love lives, etc.) and it was just nice to kick back and just be. 

I headed home and put on comfy clothes. It was my intention to exercise this evening, but I laid my head down while reclining on my sofa and was out! 

I had posted the above pic to FaceBook and many people responded. It's humbling to know how many people think about you and pray for you. By the same token, it's awesome to see other friends kick horrible odds in the teeth and excel at just living.  Makes you realize how lucky you are.  I only wish that my Nephew's Mother, Father and family could be comforted and know how loved they are. I'm so very thankful for the time I had with my Nephew, and that was due to his parents forgiveness and love.  Some people will never have that.  I did.

Good night my friends.  May you and your loved ones be healthy and happy.

Another Bittersweet Evening

I have a glass of wine in front of me and The Dream Academy playing in the background. It's the eve of our loss of my Nephew and the Ex was just here.

He was kind enough to bring the big chainsaw and help me with the tree.  Afterward, he hung around, had a beer and chatted.  It's always hard with him.  I brought up dating and meeting people. He mentioned a couple of ladies he's met in Foresthill, but nothing special.  I could tell though, he didn't like it when I discussed dating.  When he hugged me, he said "I still love you Babe" and his voice caught.

I feel like such a bitch to do that, but I need him to recognize that I've moved on and that someday, there will be someone significant in my life. It always hurts...it hurts him and it hurts me because I hurt him. I can't win this.

It just kind of set the mood for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I'll leave here at 5 a.m. and head to the Hill to visit N and leave S a present that I got for her. It's hard to believe that I have to run from heartache back to work to collect an award. UGH!  I think of what I've lost but I'm thankful for the time we did spend together. I'm thankful of the emails he sent me, even when he didn't have to. N is the one spike in my heart that will never let me forgive my sister. I see her and I know what I've lost and that I just can't smack the stupid out of her.  What's done is done, but the wake it leaves, the pain, the hurt, the loss.  Sometimes, it just takes me over and I can taste the bitterness in my mouth.

Yeah, I know that I'm hateful, I know that if I can't forgive others, then I can't expect forgiveness for me...but how do I do it? How to I release all of the resentment that I harbor? This is the one thing that I keep silently screaming over and over in my head. How can I expect God to answer my prayers if I don't have a pure heart, if I don't try?  I just don't have the answers and all I can hope is that God, in his grace forgives me and measures the good I've done against the bad.

It's too much for the evening.  I can't guarantee that I'll blog tomorrow, but Wednesday is a big day, and it's my favorite day of the week.  So, no worries Peeps.  Remember, I've told you time and again, this blog is where I leech the poison from my system so I can be a better person during the day. And the poison doesn't get much blacker than the stuff above.  This is me...for better or for worse...but most of you know that going in.

Overwhelmed...

By many things... I'm feeling just a tad overwhelmed. Should I just tick them off one by one?  I'll start with the least and end with the most overwhelming thing...

1.  Work - I'm trying to build a schedule for end to end testing, and I don't know whether or not I'll continue to work this project or if it will be handed off, like management originally said.  I also have to prepare for this presentation for Oracle World.  I'm nervous, but excited.  This is a huge opportunity and the biggest presentation audience I've ever done. All the "what if's" pop into my head.  The only God Send is that Cabo will be a week after, and I'll be needing it.

2.  Work Marine - He's a nice guy, and I'm willing to be his friend, but as long as he works in my facility...that's all we'll be is friends.  The overwhelming part is that he keeps contacting me, messaging, calling, posting and he really needs to slow up a bit. Not sure how to tell him that. He's not in  position to pursue me because he's still married, so why is he doing that?  I don't care that he's separated, he's still married. Dizzy doesn't do married men! But there is a side to him that needs a friend and I recognize that his position is a little precarious.

3.  The Property - Got a knock on the door today and found out that one of my trees dropped into the road and was blocking traffic. Great!  100+ weather and Dizzy pulls up her big girl panties, dons her new Navy Seal hat, shorts, tank, shoes, sunglasses and gloves and sets to work.  I stripped down the branches, broke it into manageable pieces and put them in the green waste. I had to get out the axe because my little chain saw is broken, and cut off enough so that it wasn't out in the road.  It was kinda funny because with every swing I'm grunting and I'm sure the neighbors had a good laugh over that. I had to call the ex, which I hate to do, because I need the bigger chainsaw (he brings it tomorrow).  The two things that bother me about this whole thing is that the property is large, and I need to be able to maintain it on my own. And that I don't like calling the ex for help.  He still believes that there's a chance for us, and there isn't.  I don't like doing anything that would encourage him to think there is.

4.  The Cowboy - I'm on his mind. He doesn't know what I did to him, but he says that I have him. To be honest, I don't know what I did.  The only thing really is that I appreciated him when he was with me. My analytical mind wonders what the hell happened to cause this 180 in him. Did he have a near death experience? Did he wake up on his birthday and decide that he needed to make changes? I know that I need to shut my mind off and stop analyzing and just let go. The thing is...I can't figure out what the hell he did to me.  Why do I still carry him with me wherever I go? No, he's not the perfect man, and I'm not the perfect woman, but there's something...no matter who I'm with or where I go, he's there. It's crazy, it isn't logical, and I shouldn't trust it, but I know where my heart lies. He says he'll stop by here in a couple of weeks on his way to Denver, and will vacation with me in Cabo. 

Anyway, we'll see.  I'm just gonna have to work out harder!  It will help clear my mind, make me stronger for the yard work ahead of me and hopefully tire me out so I'll sleep at night. G'nite peeps!

Taking calls...in the Bathroom Stalls!

Ok Peeps...I probably blogged about this pet peeve before, but just in case I didn't...(beware...swearing ahead) WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH IDIOTS HOLDING PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE BATHROOM STALLS AT WORK???

Now I don't know if Men have the same problems, but I doubt it...men don't operate that way..thank Jesus! I go into the restroom to do my business and there's someone holding a full-fledged conversation on their cell phone in the bathroom stall (this isn't the first time it's happened to me at work). REALLY MFer? I really am so fucking interested in what you have to say while I'm tinkling in the stall next you you!  Please, enlighten me in your fascinating fucking life, because it just MUST be so much more interesting than mine!

Today was worse...it was in a different language! UGH!  There is no policy on cell phone usage in the bathroom stalls at work. But let's break this mother fucker down...Dizzy Style!

Cleanliness - Ok Bitch...I see that this conversation about your mortgage with your Mom is life and death, but I assume you probably switch hands in your conversation...and I assume that you wipe your poonani with one of those hands...thereby putting poonani juice all over your damned phone!  If we're fucking lucky, you wash your hands afterward...but we all know you don't wash your phone.  So you're the idiot walking around, talking with your phone to your face, putting your own poonani juice all over your own damned face!!  God help the poor bastard you go home to that kisses that old dried poonani juice covered face of yours.  This is one of those times I thank God, I'm not a lesbian!

Self-centeredness - Ok, so you think the world revolves around you and we're all waiting breathlessly to hear what you've got to say to your kid.  We're trying to concentrate here and you've got the fucking nerve to tinkle-block my vag when I really have to go! It's not like I like to hang out in the bathroom and avoid work...like you obviously do.  I've got a finite amount of time to do my business and get out. It's bad enough I have to tinkle at work, because I worry about the cleanliness of the work stalls, but then I have to listen to you telling little Timmy to be nice to his sister and stop fighting because you're hard at work...talking on the phone...in the bathroom stall!  Bitch!!!  It's moments like these when I want to kick in the door of your stall and bitchslap the stupid from your head!

Peeps, it's moments like these, when I do my very best to make excessive man noises in the bathroom and school these bitches! I will flush effusively so they have to explain the damned flushing noises. What the hell is so damned important that you have to take the call in the bathroom?  What the hell did you do before cell phones?

I'll be honest with you.  There are two people...maybe three that I will ever take to the bathroom with me. And for God Sake...not the work bathroom...my home bathroom. It's just not important enough for me. I just don't understand.

_________________

Breathe Dizzy....BREATHE!  Mom came to dinner and I made her Chile Rellenos.  She didn't inform me that the Beanster would be coming with her, so  I made everything pretty spicy.  I was pissed.  Really Mom???  Since Beanster was with this morning, you couldn't pick up the phone and give your daughter a heads-up so she could make sure the Beanster had a meal that she would enjoy and not be too spicy?

Peeps, My mother (and my sister) is one of those people that feels the world does revolve around them. She'll show up 3 hours late for dinner. She expects things because "she's the Mom", and she dances to her own tune.  I'm pretty much ok with it, but the prompt analyst in me is driven nuts with her antics. Due to the chaos she's inflicted in my life, I'm more comfortable with order, precision and logic.  My Mother? She is one of those females that will never be a woman, always be a "girl". Know what I mean?

Ah well, after dancing for executive management today, I'm pooped.  I'm cuddling up with Winnie  the Pooh and hitting the hay.  Uh Oh. George Strait's song "Give it all we got tonight" just came on, so I got to finish that. Have you heard it?  "Baby fall into my kiss...it should just happen like this." It is so frakking HOT!  I swear this song just sends me over the edge.

G'nite.

Marines!

What the frak is up with me and Marines? I was never one to even consider being with a military guy...I didn't know the Cowboy was a Marine when I locked eyes on him (We'll refer to the Work Marine as "WM" and the Cowboy Marine as "CM" since they are both frakking "J's"). It's all well and good to have someone who admires you at work, but it complicates things. He did say, that he may be moved to another project at another site, which means that I could, according to my rules, date him.

This is the tough part. While I'm not going to be one to actively pursue someone right now, I can't close the door to opportunities. I'm just now discovering that I'm significant in CM's life, that he thinks of me all of the time. Before, he wasn't sharing that with me. I didn't know where I stood or what I might mean to him. Now, he's opened a door and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I believe that this feeling that we have for each other is real. But the hurt side, the scared side of me says to leave my options open. That maybe I'm imagining these feelings between us.

I told WM about CM, how we met, the eyes locking, the feeling, etc. WM asked me if CM has asked me to "Come live with him yet". I laughed and said no. He then asked if I'd asked CM "to come here", and I said no.  He then asked "Miss beautiful lady...if it is magic, why do you not grab on with both arms?" My reply was "I want magic. I just don't want to live through losing it."  WM said that CM is very lucky and I'm a catch and I deserve to be happy.  My reply was "Make no mistake, I am not his yet. After always being second to alcohol with the ex-husband, I'm not willing to be second to anything...except someone's child. I need to know, I need to feel that I am a significant part of someone's life.  If I don't have that, what's the point?" WM said that "you drop my jaw, and I'm sure he feels the same." Again...this guy is smooth!

I think WM understands, and he has a few loose ends of his own that he needs to attend to. But he still wants to be friends, and he wants the opportunity for a future, whatever that may be. WOW!!! This is a lot to take in on a frakking Dance Monkey Dance day! I know where my heart is, and I know what I hope for, but I'm cynical enough to believe that lightning doesn't strike twice. Sweet Jesus...what are the odds?  I need divine intervention here.  I need a sign.

"I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

When children have to play inside so they don't disappear
While private eyes solve marriage lies cause we don't talk for years
And football teams are kissing Queens
and losing sight of having dreams
In a world that what we want is only what we want until it's ours"

Train

Mammogram and Man Rant

Kaiser sent me a message...time for my mammogram screening.  Men have no idea how good they've got it.  They don't get their equipment wedged between two x-ray plates, squeezed and photographed to find out if they have prostate cancer.

Some women can take this torture fairly easy.  Others of us...those with a little more on top, hate it...and combine that with the twins (my twins) being overly sensitive... Sweet Jesus, medical torture!  Of course, I'd rather that then the alternative, which is to find out too late that there's something wrong, but you'd think with medical science being so advanced, they'd have a better way of screening us...right? NOPE!

Since I'm on a tear regarding men vs women... I'd have to say...having internal sex organs suck! The pap smears, the exams, my legs in the stirrups, and GOD HELP YOU if he accidentally (Yeah, my Gyno is a man) flicks your ovaries... Lord, I know it's not my place to question your logic in the creation of womankind...but couldn't you have come up with something a little more convenient?  Men get to pee standing up!  Women??? We have to squat, leaving us vulnerable and defenseless.  In the wild, we'd have to pee with a posse just to make sure we were safe.  Whatup with that?

Now don't get me wrong...I get that women are softer, usually smell better and can batt their eyes to get what they want out of most men, but really?  I rarely use that tactic, because if I want it bad enough, I'll get it myself.  "You don't have to throw back that pretty pink lemonade shooter and lean a little closer"...yeah, we do know the tricks, but I'd trade that to get rid of the damned OB-GYN visits.  Oh, and by the way Buddy...I wouldn't be caught dead with a freaking pretty pink lemonade shooter!  If I'm shooting anything, it's tequila or the asshole that breaks into my home.
________________________

Today was a bitch at work, but as I forewarned...this entire week is gonna be a bitch! It started off with Vin Diesel (Stair Master). I woke up feeling hung over (and I didn't drink much last night) and my legs felt like lead. I still got on the machine, but I couldn't get past level 2 for the first 20 minutes (I'm usually at level 5 within 8 minutes). I swear I felt like I was sleeping on the damned machine! Then I bumped to level 3 for 20 minutes, and finally started moving. Did level 4 for the last 20 minutes...Yeah, Dizzy was a total candy ass.  I swear, I could've laid down on the bed and fell back to sleep after that workout. WTF???

I get to work and it's go, go, go trying to prepare for this presentation for our Governance Council. I ended up pulling a twelve hour shift, which isn't bad, but when your ass is dragging, it's torture. Yeah, I want some cheese to go with my whine.  I'm just venting peeps. I'm lucky to have the job I do. It's all good.  This Monkey dances tomorrow at 10 a.m. for my old project and I'm putting it to bed. Thursday, this monkey is dancing for GC and pulling together a requirements meeting. Next week it's the awards ceremony and visiting my Nephew on the hill. UGH!

I need "Dial some Hands"...I'd order up the biggest, strongest manly hands to work my body over and beat the shit out of my muscles.  Ok..Dizzy is stopping now because she's swearing too much.  G'nite Peeps!

Sunday

Got up and hit the farmers market today.  The temperature was perfect and I was transported back to the stalls in Mexico. I just felt like I was home checking out the produce, listening to the people, hearing children laugh. No, I wasn't born in Mexico, but I feel like it's home when I'm there.  I know it's weird, but I just love it.

I picked up my spices, limes, watermelon, Jackfruit and chiles (for chile rellenos) and headed back to the truck. Windows down, music playin (Cruise), hair whipping in the wind. When I got home, I blended all of the watermelon for juice (morning and margaritas) and separated out the fruit in the jack fruit (big process) while talking with my cousin on the phone. Then headed to Elephant bar to meet up with my Girlie "R". It seems that we roll with the same kind of guy...the ones that don't believe that a girl can be chill and not freak out over the little things. There were too many similarities in our tales, but it's nice to know someone else is going through the same thing and can give perspective to things.

While having lunch, I got a call from "H", the ex-boyfriend's buddy in Iowa. I couldn't believe it! He and his girlie called to say hi, and wondered how I was doing.  I was totally floored...especially since I'm "persona non grata"  with the ex.  It was so cool to catch up and get an invite to come visit. Though, I know that won't be happening since it's an extremely small town and the ex would throw a snitfit.  Can't we all just get along?

After hitting up Costco for staples (tequila, olive oil, mozzarella, balsamic, etc), I came home and roasted peppers. I'm bound and determined to be in bed after this blog. I will be on Vin Diesel in the morning. I'm tired of getting on Vin when I'm exhausted and can't sleep.  This next week is gonna be a killer, the monkey will be dancing BIG TIME, so I need the workouts to keep my mind sharp, body on track and to stay frosty.  This week will require me to be on top of my game.  Already difficult, but more so after this past week.

I can also see that I'm going to have to pull out my stationary and do some physical writing. While I'm pretty honest on the blog, there's only so much I can pour out and the Internet is forever. So certain things belong with ink and paper.

Anyway, the evening is beautiful and I hope you're enjoying it with someone you love, or someone you're "into".

Party In The Hills!!!

So I was invited to a party in the hills...Placerville to be specific.  "D"s house reminded me a lot of Foresthill, the town I left behind in the divorce.  The smell of the pine the cooler air, everything was awesome.  My awesome girlie "A" drove, so I could drink if I wanted (she isn't a drinker).

We ate pulled pork sandwiches (I did mine without bread), and all kinds of sides to choose from. I drank three beers, which I don't normally do outside of Mexico. Toured the home and compared construction notes. Checked out his 74 Dodge Challenger with the 360...very sweet, all original paint, parts, etc.

They also had live music.  A guy set up his guitar, amp, pedals and went to town.  A very handsome and funny guy, I might add. We were all singing and dancing and just having a great time.  I didn't know most of the people there, but I never have issues with that.  I just walk around and introduce myself to everyone and chatting.  If they don't want to engage, they walk away.  I didn't have that problem tonight though.  Everyone was just nice and sociable.

There was a moment on the deck where I'm looking up at the sky and the twilight and I'm thinking that I need to do more of this. Accept more invites and be more sociable.  I mean, it's not that I'm not sociable, I just have a lot to do and I'm always busy. But it was nice meeting new people and seeing people outside of work.  My job does not define me, but sometimes I think I let it.

And the hummingbirds...OMG, these people must be hummingbird whisperers!  Although they did have like...6 feeders hanging from the rafters.  When you have that much hummingbird crack available, you're gonna attract the junkies that need their fix...and they did!  I have NEVER seen so many at a time...there must've been 30 hummingbirds just flitting around, landing, eating, chasing each other.  It was a total trip...and I swear I'm not exaggerating...if anything, I may be understating the amount of those birds.  Totally something else!

Well, I'm home now.  Gonna have me a fireball night cap and head to la la land.  I'm planning on going to the farmers market in the morning and getting some spices and veggies.

G'nite!

To Ride...Or Not To Ride?

That is the question! I tell ya Peeps..it's a good thing I don't mind getting bloodied and bruised, cuz this ride is definitely doing that to me.  This bronco I'm riding is the ultimate bitch, and all the chaps, the leather gloves, the boots are not going to protect me when I get thrown to the dirt on this one.

Where to begin...Well, I'm not giving you every detail on this..I need to keep a couple of things close to the vest, but... I'd pretty much given up on the Cowboy. There's only so much a person can take, and when you know you're not being told everything, why the hell would you expose yourself to heartache and drama...right? We weren't sharing things like we did when we first met. When we met, we were brutally honest about everything.  We shared things that you don't normally share with someone until you've known them awhile.  But I knew when I went to visit him in Oregon that something wasn't being said...and it bothered me. I even tried to break it off a 4th time, because I knew there was stuff on his plate and that maybe it was best that he concentrate on that. Maybe I was in the way.

However, again I was talked out of it. I went to Oregon to see if, when I looked into his eyes, if I'd have the same feeling I did the first time, or if the feeling was gone and it was a "once in a lifetime" thing.  Unfortunately, I found out that it wasn't necessarily a "once in a lifetime" thing...It was a one person in a lifetime thing, and I felt it all over again. UGH! But with the things going on in his life, I just took a back seat and let it ride.  I'm not a high-maintenance chick. I don't need a guy to coddle me and be in contact every day. But, after not hearing from him for a few days, I began to wonder, and just committed myself to the life I have.

2:32 a.m. after his birthday, I get call and was told to not say anything and just let him talk. I'm not going into the details, but suffice it to say, he says that I'm on his mind. After that conversation, I couldn't go back to sleep and took my angst out on Vin Diesel (StairMaster). And after letting a few hours go by, I talked myself into "Ok, he was drunk for his birthday and that's why he called. I'm sure he won't remember the conversation and just forget about it...etc."

But that evening I got some texts that affirmed the 2:32 am conversation, so he wasn't drunk and he knew what he was saying. And he posed the same question that keeps ping ponging off the sides of my head..."Is this real?" Well...Is it? Or is this one of those things where, since I've been out of the loop for so many years, it's a game and you have to roll with it or get buried by it..

I don't know. I only know how I feel and how scared this all makes me. My survival instincts are firing on all pistons and thus the question.  Do I ride this ride, or do I get the frak off and let the ride go on without me? As scared as I am, I'm more afraid of not only not living, but not feeling as well. There are edges of me that are dead and I don't want the rest of me ending up that way.

So, for better or for worse, I'm gonna make the Bronco my bitch and ride. Yes, I will fall, and I will decide the next course of action if that happens.  I just have to remember, I'm not the only one riding here.  Someone else is on the same collision course. I may get fucked up during this ride, but I won't be the only ball buster going down!

Making this Short

Interesting day to say the least...and extremely busy. I didn't finish my presentation due to the fire alarm and evacuation of 6,000+ employees.  Had to rush to an appointment, then shop for groceries.

However, I did manage to make some homemade croutons.  My Beanster loves my homemade croutons and will snack on them...even without the salad.  Since she'll be here tomorrow for dinner, along with my Mom, I wanted to make sure she was taken care of.  We're having marinated pork ribs, Salad Tacos and 5 cheese Mac and Cheese (for Beanie). Salad Tacos are basically Romaine lettuce leaves (taco shells) filled with whatever.  I'm filling them with Avocado chunks, fresh soft mozzarella and Parmesan cheese, tossed with Caesar dressing and topped with the croutons...simple, but really good.

Yes, I heard from the work "J" today.  He says my emails are the highlight of his day. Uh Oh...this is good and bad. Dizzy must not dip her pen in the company ink! This is gonna be tough, because he likes good Zombie movies and has the same running goals that I have for next year. Heavy Sigh....

Also heard from the Oregon "J" today.  Hmmmm.

I guess that naked dance in the moonlight didn't work. Gonna have to come up with some other "J" mojo spell breaking pagan ritual to open up the other letters of the alphabet into my life.  If I could only figure out what the hell I did to bring on the "J" curse, maybe I can reverse it. Guess I'm just gonna have to shell out the dough and visit a witch doctor (do they even have those in SacTown???).

G'nite Peeps.

Beware The Night...

It's usually at night, when all is quiet, I'm restless and the demons come. "They mostly come at night...mostly" (Carrie Henn (Newt) Aliens).  You know, the ones that tell you that you're not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, wise enough, thin enough...the ones that haunt you and tell you that you'll always be alone and there's no one out there for you, so SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP!

Yeah, I live with those.  Even though the signs tell me otherwise. I got my third email from the "J" Marine at work this morning, so I know he's interested (even if I can't break my rule and date someone from work). I got the call from our rep at the Third biggest worldwide software/hardware company congratulating me on speaking at their conference in September. And I got a wonderful compliment on my looks and my outfit saying that I don't look my age.  NICE...so why am I allowing the doubts and the demons in?

Wish I could answer that question. It's nights like these when the brain won't shut down and continues to hammer me. And while I think failure is a learning tool and something to be embraced and learned from....It's nights like these that taunt me and tell me I'm a failure at marriage, I'm a failure at relationships and that if I'm not careful, I'll hurt the relationships that I currently have. The ones I so desperately need to hang on to the last shred of sanity I have.

It's nights like these that I say the "Serenity" prayer so that I can retain some perspective and move forward the next morning. July is a bad month for me. I'm wishing upon a star that I can make this a better month.  It's bittersweet. The boy's birthday, the ex-husband's birthday, the MIL's birthday, the Cowboy's birthday, the anniversary of my Nephew's death...It's a frakking rollercoaster and Dizzy does not have her hands in the air screaming with glee.  And while its also the birthday of our Country, I'm just as dazed and confused as I ever was.

How does one keep demons at bay? How do you make the bad stuff go away and only think about the good stuff? I'm just going to hope that this month goes by quickly and that I'll be ok. Whatever comes, I'll meet it head on, and I won't let it take me down. You want to fuck with me July? You picked on the wrong fucking girl!  You have no idea what I'm capable of!

The Year of the "J's"!

So I go into work today…and again, I’m the only one in my aisle.  My entire unit pretty much bailed on me. Don’t get me wrong; on days like these, I can get a lot done. However, had I known no one would be there; I could’ve worked from home.

I feel exhausted by the drama of 24 hours of “J” yesterday.  Men are not supposed to bring drama, they’re supposed to be low maintenance. Why is it I keep hanging with high-maintenance guys?  Why am I the “man”? I tell ya Peeps, when I find a low-maintenance guy, it is so gonna be ON!

So I go into the cafeteria to build a salad. I'm at the salad bar putting garbanzos on my salad and there's this guy standing next to me...Dark hair, intense blue eyes, 6' 4", nice smile.  He makes a comment on my salad choices and I laugh. So we're building together and he notes the order that I put the ingredients in the bowl.  I explain that there's a method to the madness...I can fit more into the small bowl if I layer it just right. He's impressed with my mad salad skillz. I finish building and go in search of the caesar dressing (bad, but it's one of the tastier dressings available). He goes for water.  I get in line to pay for my food and he's in the same kiosk line. I pay and he pays and says "It was a pleasure to meet you" and I reply the same, told him my name is "D" and stuck out my hand. He shook it and says "My name is.....wait for it...."J". ANOTHER FRAKKING "J"!!!!

Anyway, I said "I'm sure I'll be seeing you around" and he said that he'd be onsite for the next 2 years as he works as a vendor on the BIG 250 million dollar project at work. I leave and go about my business.  Around 2 p.m. I get an email from him and he thanks me for taking the time to talk to him, etc. I write back and say that it was fun, blah blah blah.  He then writes back and gives me a little background about himself. Here it comes.... He's a Marine, retired. Really? REALLY???? You have GOT to be kidding me! 

So I know he's interested and all, but there's a problem. Yes, my rules about not seeing someone I work with.  Now technically, he doesn't work for my employer, he's a contractor. Still, since he'll be at the facility for the next two years, it wouldn't be good to play with someone I work with and if there are any issues, it all blows up at work.  Not Professional!  But he's really cute, and nice. UGH!!!  Well, it's flattering to have someone interested in me, and we'll just let it go at that. 

www.jogginforfrogmen.com Yes folks, I'm gonna be a virtual jogger to benefit the Navy SEAL foundation.  I'd love to go to San Diego and actually do the run, but that isn't going to happen this year. I'll still get a t-shirt though, and I can come up with a team name. Gotta support our armed forces!!!

Until tomorrow my Peeps!  I've got to spend the rest of the evening building a bonfire, slathering myself in duck fat and dancing naked under the stars to ward off the "J" curse I seem to be stuck with.  Wish me luck that I don't get too close to the flames and roast myself!  

Torqued!

So yesterday I get home from Tahoe and start doing things around the house. I'm folding clothes, washing, putting things away.  I turn on the telly and Ever After is on, so I'm watching it...which I shouldn't have done, because those Cinderella happy endings always piss me off. And wouldn't you know it???  God decides to stick a fork in my butt by the name of "J"...no, not that one, the one I threw to the cement in November.

He asks if he can come room with me for 6 weeks to 2 months because things are not working out where he's at.  REALLY??? Uh, let me think about this....You're the guy that forced your way into my bedroom, wouldn't get your hands off me, called me a whore in my own home (because that's the only way a single woman like me could possibly own a home)...yeah NO!!  Not just no, but FUCK NO!  I told him flat out that I didn't trust him to live in my home.

You're wondering why I still talk with him.  I do it for his brother "M" who died in February. M and I were good friends and I know that J is still hurting over the loss. So anyway, J ends up walking to my home from a park that's 4 miles away. He's a sweaty mess so I let him use the guest shower, and made some margaritas and we end up chatting until 4 in the morning because he couldn't find a friend to pick him up and he lives in Auburn. UGH!  I let him sleep on the sofa.

My Girlie "C" came over this morning and we chatted on the patio for a couple of hours.  Yes, J was still here making calls trying to find a ride. After my girlie leaves, he asks if he can crash on my patio overnight since his boss doesn't live too far away, and they have to work in the Bay Area in the morning.  I told him "No, you need to go home. Last night I made an exception."  He asked if he hadn't gained my trust last night and I told him that I'm not that easy. It takes more than one night, it takes years to build my trust and he doesn't have it.  I also explained to him that he and I will NEVER be together, i.e. sex.  I will never sleep with a man that disrespects me the way he did. I think I made my point.  

By the time he left here, it was 5. I had to run to the store and pick up groceries and now I'm eating late because I really wanted beer can chicken and it takes awhile to cook on the grill.  UGH!  So frustrated that my Sunday was pretty much shot to hell by a man that is not worthy of my time.  Anyway....

Fun in Tahoe

Had a fantastic time in Tahoe.  R & K took me, L & L out on the boat for the fireworks.  We had a fantastic time, drinking, snacking and having a great time.  I managed to take some shots of the weekend...and so did my BFF K.




We got to watch some drama unfold on the beach of the Edgewood Golf course.  Some chick was getting mouthy with law enforcement when the kicked them off because they were trespassing on private property.  What a show that was!  Almost better than the fireworks themselves.

The fireworks were phenomenal!  They synced it to music, but we ended up listening to my girlie's mix of music.  The waves, the stars (yes, I did wish upon the first star I saw, but you and I both know wishing upon stars is hopeless...just don't tell my Niece!), the sound of the water lapping against the side of the boat.  It was really nice!

Going back to the keys was a snap cuz R knew what the frak he was doing!  We got there in no time.  The next day, they took me to Emerald Bay and we snacked out on the lake and took in some rays.  Another really great day!

I really am blessed to have such great friends that know how to show their buddy a good time.  And No, I didn't get into any relationships or booty calls (that's for the benefit of my airhead co-worker!) as I was much to busy having fun!

Independence Day

What does Independence Day mean to you? For many of us, we think about the members of our Armed Forces that work to secure freedom and keep us safe (I know I do). Many just think of this as a day off to light fireworks, and BBQ with the people we love and others think P-A-R-T-Y!  But after graduating high school and/or college, do any of us really think about our history?

I think some of us forget that our first freedom fighters were really just…average citizens, like you and me. They weren’t trained in the ways of combat; they were not the elite forces that we have today. They were not necessarily educated.  They were hard working people who knew how to toil and sweat. They knew that if they didn’t work hard, they didn’t eat. They were men and women (mostly men) who wanted something better and believed that their voice made a difference. They were building a future for themselves and their children and they knew that in order for that future to be what they wanted…dare I say, dreamed it could be…they would have to work hard for it…sacrifice for it. 

I’m sure when they first thought about pushing back against British rule, they never thought it would get as bloody as it did. But after it became apparent that they could die and would die for this dream, they still fought on. They definitely are the forefathers of the SEAL mentality to never quit! 

Where am I going with this? I often think about myself and my own fortitude. If I lived back then, even as a woman, would I have picked up a musket and fought? Would I have believed in the dream hard enough, would I have wanted it enough and pulled up my big-girl panties and started swinging?  I believe I would have.  And here’s where I’m going to get a little “out there” my friends.  I believe that we’re due for a revolution right now.  I believe that my Country stands on a precipice and is teetering over the edge (if it hasn’t fallen already).

Right before our very eyes we’re watching our freedoms and rights erode and many Americans are just tossing them away.  They are tossing them away for an easier life, where they don’t have to work too hard and they don’t have to think too hard. They’re giving up their freedoms for more laws to make them safe, no matter how restricting those laws may be.  Whether they know it or not, they’re taking the shackles and locking them around their own wrists and ankles and not even thinking twice about it.

Right now, the welfare class is taking over the working class.  There is no way the working class can continue to sustain the cost of supporting those unwilling to work….read my words…THOSE UNWILLING TO WORK…not those who are unable to work. If we put those who are unwilling to work, back to work, we could sustain those who are unable. And, the welfare class is dangerously close (if not already) to locking down the vote to perpetuate their lifestyle.

You want your independence? You want a ‘Land of the Free and Home of the Brave’? It’s going to take some bravery on every individual’s part to stand up and take back their Country.  Start small and work your way up to big. Start with being vocal about the injustices, writing to your Congressmen and women, voting, being willing to march, sharing information that other Americans should know. Read up on the issues and know where you stand. Your Government…YOUR Government is hoping that you won’t.  It’s YOUR Government, take it back.

Wishing you, your loved ones and all the men and women of our Armed Forces a Happy Independence Day!

God Is In The Rain

“God is in the rain”.  I heard that quote yesterday and it struck me.  As I walked through the quad this morning, it struck me again.  It was one of those mornings where it wasn’t too hot, but just right. The air smelled fragrant and reminded me of grade school days, where I’d walk to the bus stop in the morning and sniff the air. It just took me back to a moment in time where there was nothing to think about but how great the morning was and how wonderful the air smelled (my mind was always full of pressing matters when I was a kid…the curse of living with the AntiChrist).

I like the quote because it basically spells out why I don’t believe in organized religion. My stance is that God is all around me, in the rain, the trees, in tequila, in other people, in the act of sex.  Why do I need to be in a church hearing some supposed expert tell me about God, when all I really have to do is open my eyes to see God; listen to hear God; concentrate to feel God.  After being raised a Jehovah’s Witness and being surrounded by hypocrites (it’s rare to find a true witness), I don’t care to expose myself to the sniping, gossiping, back-stabbing hierarchy that you find in all churches. Life is too short for dealing with that stuff!

Tomorrow, God is in Lake Tahoe and that’s where I’ll go to re-establish my one-on-one relationship with him.  Looking forward to seeing the fireworks from a boat and having the best seat in the house…ok, one of the best. Although NorCal isn’t the greatest place to live in California, it is one of the better places to live in the US. It’s an hour and a half from Tahoe…about the same distance to San Francisco; Access to the greatest wineries in Sonoma, Napa, El Dorado, Amador, Calaveras, Placer and San Joaquin counties. So we generally run the gamut as far as activities to keep us busy (snow/water skiing, rafting, kayaking, street/mountain biking, hiking, fishing, hunting..and the list goes on).  There’s always some festival going on and our access to farmers markets is exceptional.  My complaint doesn’t stem from my actual location, more like the state I live in being so damned liberal!  I just know I’m not going to run into God in the halls of my state capitol. 

Today, my co-worker “J” (yes Peeps…I KNOW!!!  Too many frakking “J’s” in my life) was in rare form.  He says they don’t have “my kind” in his neighborhood.  I asked him what is “my kind” because that this point my mind is running rampant with what “my kind” could actually be.  Hmmm..American Mutt? Brown eyed Cali Girls? Brunettes? Outspoken, Militant Bitches? Women who own guns? Conservatives? WHAT???  He says “my kind” is the kind that lures young men.  HUH??  Lures young men where? How young are we takin here?  Which young men are we talking about?  Where does he get these outrageous assumptions???

The youngest guy I’ve been with was 13 years younger than me (he’s the one with the washboard abs..NOT the one who’s butt I plastered on the blog yesterday). I had the opportunity for someone 16 years younger a couple of months back, but he just didn’t do it for me. Now, the youngest guy…Nope, can’t even call him a guy, we have to say “boy”, that was hoping to score with me was 15 years of age in Cabo last year.  I think I told ya’ll that story, didn’t I?  

His Dad “B” and he came to the condo and needed a place to stay, due to a family argument. After his Dad passed out, the boy stayed up for awhile and was busy talking with “J”, so I said that I was going to take a shower and head to bed.  I was on top of the bed in boyshort undies and a tank watching TV when the door opens, and the boy comes in, climbs up on to the bed, scoots up next to me and proceeds to tell me how he can make me “happy” and how “good” he is at the skills of love. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing in his face.  I really didn’t want to hurt a fragile ego and at 15…it’s fragile. So I tell him that while I’m really flattered, I think it best that he heads to bed in the other bedroom. But he’s all sincere, and wants to know why I won’t give him a chance (what…you mean other than the fact you’re jailbait, I’m not the least bit attracted to you and I’m in Mexico and I have no idea what happens to female pedophiles in a Mexican prison?).  I explained that he’s a little young for me, and that I don’t think his Mom would appreciate anything I might do to him.  Anyway….it was one of the most interesting evenings that I’ll never forget! And my co-worker doesn’t know that story, so he can’t use that as an excuse!

I swear, I don’t know where people get their wild assed ideas from about me. What, do I give out a weird vibe? Do I roll like I’m the ultimate female player of the universe? I’m actually a pretty straight shooter when it comes to any of that outside life stuff.  And I never break rule number (what’s that number again???) well, you know…the one about seeing/doing any guy my son’s age or younger???

As my co-worker left today, he says "Don't get into any relationships in Tahoe"...REALLY??? He makes it sound like wherever I go, I pick up men and get into relationships.  I haven't been in a relationship since the ex-boyfriend last year.  A booty call or two and gobsmacked upside the head, but other than that....what relationship??? Friendships don't count. And he doesn't even know about the booty calls...I don't discuss that stuff with him.  He only knows about the gobsmacking because I was right next to the smacker when the co-worker texted me and asked what I was doing...so I sent a picture...that was rather naughty of me, I know...

Ok Peeps. I think Dizzy has given you enough to think about until tomorrow. Tomorrow is the Independence Day blog, and I’m not quite sure what you’ll think of that one.