To Ride...Or Not To Ride?

That is the question! I tell ya Peeps..it's a good thing I don't mind getting bloodied and bruised, cuz this ride is definitely doing that to me.  This bronco I'm riding is the ultimate bitch, and all the chaps, the leather gloves, the boots are not going to protect me when I get thrown to the dirt on this one.

Where to begin...Well, I'm not giving you every detail on this..I need to keep a couple of things close to the vest, but... I'd pretty much given up on the Cowboy. There's only so much a person can take, and when you know you're not being told everything, why the hell would you expose yourself to heartache and drama...right? We weren't sharing things like we did when we first met. When we met, we were brutally honest about everything.  We shared things that you don't normally share with someone until you've known them awhile.  But I knew when I went to visit him in Oregon that something wasn't being said...and it bothered me. I even tried to break it off a 4th time, because I knew there was stuff on his plate and that maybe it was best that he concentrate on that. Maybe I was in the way.

However, again I was talked out of it. I went to Oregon to see if, when I looked into his eyes, if I'd have the same feeling I did the first time, or if the feeling was gone and it was a "once in a lifetime" thing.  Unfortunately, I found out that it wasn't necessarily a "once in a lifetime" thing...It was a one person in a lifetime thing, and I felt it all over again. UGH! But with the things going on in his life, I just took a back seat and let it ride.  I'm not a high-maintenance chick. I don't need a guy to coddle me and be in contact every day. But, after not hearing from him for a few days, I began to wonder, and just committed myself to the life I have.

2:32 a.m. after his birthday, I get call and was told to not say anything and just let him talk. I'm not going into the details, but suffice it to say, he says that I'm on his mind. After that conversation, I couldn't go back to sleep and took my angst out on Vin Diesel (StairMaster). And after letting a few hours go by, I talked myself into "Ok, he was drunk for his birthday and that's why he called. I'm sure he won't remember the conversation and just forget about it...etc."

But that evening I got some texts that affirmed the 2:32 am conversation, so he wasn't drunk and he knew what he was saying. And he posed the same question that keeps ping ponging off the sides of my head..."Is this real?" Well...Is it? Or is this one of those things where, since I've been out of the loop for so many years, it's a game and you have to roll with it or get buried by it..

I don't know. I only know how I feel and how scared this all makes me. My survival instincts are firing on all pistons and thus the question.  Do I ride this ride, or do I get the frak off and let the ride go on without me? As scared as I am, I'm more afraid of not only not living, but not feeling as well. There are edges of me that are dead and I don't want the rest of me ending up that way.

So, for better or for worse, I'm gonna make the Bronco my bitch and ride. Yes, I will fall, and I will decide the next course of action if that happens.  I just have to remember, I'm not the only one riding here.  Someone else is on the same collision course. I may get fucked up during this ride, but I won't be the only ball buster going down!