Beware The Night...

It's usually at night, when all is quiet, I'm restless and the demons come. "They mostly come at night...mostly" (Carrie Henn (Newt) Aliens).  You know, the ones that tell you that you're not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, wise enough, thin enough...the ones that haunt you and tell you that you'll always be alone and there's no one out there for you, so SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP!

Yeah, I live with those.  Even though the signs tell me otherwise. I got my third email from the "J" Marine at work this morning, so I know he's interested (even if I can't break my rule and date someone from work). I got the call from our rep at the Third biggest worldwide software/hardware company congratulating me on speaking at their conference in September. And I got a wonderful compliment on my looks and my outfit saying that I don't look my age.  NICE...so why am I allowing the doubts and the demons in?

Wish I could answer that question. It's nights like these when the brain won't shut down and continues to hammer me. And while I think failure is a learning tool and something to be embraced and learned from....It's nights like these that taunt me and tell me I'm a failure at marriage, I'm a failure at relationships and that if I'm not careful, I'll hurt the relationships that I currently have. The ones I so desperately need to hang on to the last shred of sanity I have.

It's nights like these that I say the "Serenity" prayer so that I can retain some perspective and move forward the next morning. July is a bad month for me. I'm wishing upon a star that I can make this a better month.  It's bittersweet. The boy's birthday, the ex-husband's birthday, the MIL's birthday, the Cowboy's birthday, the anniversary of my Nephew's death...It's a frakking rollercoaster and Dizzy does not have her hands in the air screaming with glee.  And while its also the birthday of our Country, I'm just as dazed and confused as I ever was.

How does one keep demons at bay? How do you make the bad stuff go away and only think about the good stuff? I'm just going to hope that this month goes by quickly and that I'll be ok. Whatever comes, I'll meet it head on, and I won't let it take me down. You want to fuck with me July? You picked on the wrong fucking girl!  You have no idea what I'm capable of!