Another Bittersweet Evening

I have a glass of wine in front of me and The Dream Academy playing in the background. It's the eve of our loss of my Nephew and the Ex was just here.

He was kind enough to bring the big chainsaw and help me with the tree.  Afterward, he hung around, had a beer and chatted.  It's always hard with him.  I brought up dating and meeting people. He mentioned a couple of ladies he's met in Foresthill, but nothing special.  I could tell though, he didn't like it when I discussed dating.  When he hugged me, he said "I still love you Babe" and his voice caught.

I feel like such a bitch to do that, but I need him to recognize that I've moved on and that someday, there will be someone significant in my life. It always hurts...it hurts him and it hurts me because I hurt him. I can't win this.

It just kind of set the mood for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I'll leave here at 5 a.m. and head to the Hill to visit N and leave S a present that I got for her. It's hard to believe that I have to run from heartache back to work to collect an award. UGH!  I think of what I've lost but I'm thankful for the time we did spend together. I'm thankful of the emails he sent me, even when he didn't have to. N is the one spike in my heart that will never let me forgive my sister. I see her and I know what I've lost and that I just can't smack the stupid out of her.  What's done is done, but the wake it leaves, the pain, the hurt, the loss.  Sometimes, it just takes me over and I can taste the bitterness in my mouth.

Yeah, I know that I'm hateful, I know that if I can't forgive others, then I can't expect forgiveness for me...but how do I do it? How to I release all of the resentment that I harbor? This is the one thing that I keep silently screaming over and over in my head. How can I expect God to answer my prayers if I don't have a pure heart, if I don't try?  I just don't have the answers and all I can hope is that God, in his grace forgives me and measures the good I've done against the bad.

It's too much for the evening.  I can't guarantee that I'll blog tomorrow, but Wednesday is a big day, and it's my favorite day of the week.  So, no worries Peeps.  Remember, I've told you time and again, this blog is where I leech the poison from my system so I can be a better person during the day. And the poison doesn't get much blacker than the stuff above.  This is me...for better or for worse...but most of you know that going in.