Ending July...

The final day of July and I'm ending it on an emotional roller coaster, much like the month has been to me. I don't know if I should be hopeful, relieved, scared...I don't know.  And that's pretty much it.

I really need to stop watching the tail end of effing romantic movies, because real life just doesn't end that way. The whole fairytale of finally ending up with the person you're supposed to be with and one of you comes to your senses and realizes that the other person was there all along. Right in front of you...just waiting...in love with you.  You kiss and the sparks fly and time stands still, all you can hear is the beating of your heart, and all you can feel is that special person in your arms.

I'm much too logical and analytical for that kind of thing. It's never really been the fairytale for me. I mean, when I really think about it, there wasn't romance at the beginning of my marriage. He waited 5 years to ask me to marry him and basically when he knew I wasn't going to wait around anymore...that I had a life to lead. And the way he asked...well...we discussed that in a previous blog.  And during the marriage...when I really think about it, well...I was the one to supply the romance, and if only one person is doing that...is it really romance?  I don't think so.

Life is so short, and I fear that I may actually die and never really know that whole side to a long term relationship. There was an evening in front of a fire with the ex-boyfriend that was probably one of the most romantic of my life...but it was one night...extremely short and his daughter came home...etc. Enough said.

I see my friends talk about romance and date night and wonder how they do it. How did they find romantic guys? How do these guys know what makes my friends melt and do all that ukky love stuff?  Or is it the vast eternal con job that men instinctively grow up knowing...what buttons to push, what to say, what to do...blah blah blah.  I don't know.

I guess if love at first sight is possible, then anything can be possible...right? I just hope my cynicism doesn't rub off on my niece.  I want her to have it all!  Be the person she wants to be, do the jobs she wants to do, find the right man that actually deserves her and treats her like the princess that she is...for the rest of her life. Of course, I'm worrying about her and she isn't even Eleven yet. But what happens if something happens to me and I'm not around to watch over her? That's probably my biggest worry. Her brother is leading his life and is too far away to make sure his sister is safe, and her mother...well...

UGH...Fucking A...my thoughts are all over the fucking map!  Reading the above stuff just shows how much my brain is ping ponging thoughts all over the place.  Ever notice how much I swear when I'm frustrated?  It's like I can no longer articulate an intelligent thought, so I resort to crude language to make myself feel better.

I'm going to bed Peeps and slamming the fucking door on this bittersweet month.  I'll write again in August...think you can wait that long?