Hobby Lobby

Since I've been blogging about my drama....it's time to wax a little political.  It's time to hold on to your ass now......

I have to say that I agree with the SCOTUS decision with Hobby Lobby (HL).  HL provides birth control to their employees.  According to the new Obama Care law, there are 20 different items that they're demanding are covered.  Hobby Lobby covers 16 of them.  The 4 that they don't cover has to do with their belief that once an egg is fertilized...it is "life".  So they don't support any of the items that would put a fertilized egg in danger.

So people are up in arms over those 4 items.  Keep in mind, this is a family owned Christian company.  Always has been.  They have a right to their beliefs, just like I do.  And a person has a choice whether or not they want to work for Hobby Lobby.  No one is forcing them.

When do people take responsibility for their own choices?  If you choose to work for a Christian owned company, then you choose to work under the the foundations that they built their company on...christian foundations.  Don't join the company and expect them to change for you.  Don't join the Catholic religion as a gay person and expect the Bishop to marry you and your partner.  It isn't the religion for you.  Why does everyone think they're so damned special that the world has to change for them...accommodate their needs...be sensitive to their wants and dislikes.  Really???  GO FUCK YOURSELF!

I am sick to death of everyone worrying about offending someone with their words, beliefs, etc.  I'm a little pissed off.  A cashier at work was reprimanded because one of my 6,000 co-workers was offended by his dancing in front of the cash register.  REALLY???  I dance whenever the mood strikes me...and that includes at work.  I also sing whenever the mood strikes me...that includes at work.  I dare you to come to me and tell me you're offended by that.  My response...GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

People can love who they please, worship as they please, etc..as long as it doesn't hurt someone else.  Sorry to those that would impose Sharia Law...that would hurt me..and it's not just a religion...it's also law..and anything contradictory to the Law of the United States is OUT.  Don't like it?  Move to another country that allows it...and by the way...GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!

Ok...I feel a little better now.

Heart Conflicted

My heart is on a roller coaster ride. At times I think I'm just fine and I really feel like I am.  Other times...something, someone, some song makes my heart hurt all over again.

The funny thing is, I was just thinking that this breakup with the Cowboy is the best thing that's could've happened.  I'm getting more attention than I ever thought possible (I must be giving off some kind of wounded heart vibe and they want to save me or something), and from guys I would not expect.  Just today, I was picking up some canola oil, tequila and chips at the store and these two guys in their 20's walked in front of the truck as I was getting out.  One of them was giving me the "eye" and I started laughing.  They kept walking, but he kept looking back and smiling at me.  WTF!!!

So I start thinking that everything is ok and I'm on top of my game...then something happens and my heart hurts all over again.  The thing is I have my heart hurting over the ex BF and the ex Husband....for entirely different reasons.

The cool thing is that I'm totally distracted by two extremely different men...night and day....yin and yang. They are both into me...which is cool and right now, it's exactly what I need. What's the saying??  "If you want to get over a man, put a new one under you"?  No, I haven't gone that far yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't considered it. I'm biding my time.  I'll know when the moment is right.

I'm gonna have to change my perception of sex.  For me, I have to feel something for my partner, or it just doesn't do it for me. But maybe I need to take a more cavalier attitude...maybe I need to let my "man" side take over and just enjoy the act for what it is...not put any part of my heart into it until I'm ready.  I don't know...but I've got nothing but time to figure it out.

And The Hits......

Got a call today from the ex-husband (EH). He needs a favor.  He's going out of town for a week and would like me to check on the cat once, while he's gone.  Not a problem. But then he was insistent about having dinner tomorrow night.  He'd either bring steaks or we'd go out.

I told him that wasn't necessary, but he felt it was.  After the last time, I know that I can't do this unless we're in a group situation.  We cannot do on-on-one.  He still loves me (I do love him but not in the same way) and he still misses me.  But he's unwilling to make the changes that I'd need to make a relationship work.  We are not getting back together, and having dinner with him gives him false hope.  I told him that my Mom was supposed to come to dinner tomorrow night...guess I'd better make that happen.

I'm also wondering why he thinks my stance could've changed? What did someone tell him?  I haven't told him that I ended things with the Cowboy, so who did?  I have to believe that is why he's being so persistent...other than his feelings for me. I hate this feeling.  I'm going to have to find a way to live with it and move on.

Maybe it's more intense..this guilty feeling, because of the recent stuff...I don't know.  Maybe I'll add more in a bit.

Holding on to my Ass

It's been one of those weeks where you just hold on to your ass and work it. Keep your head tucked down and breathe!

Work is stressing me out, but on top of that, the pressure to use my vacation time has heated up.  It's not that I don't want to take my vacations...of course I do.  It's just that I have to make sure the project goes on without anymore issues than we've already suffered.

Had a great time with my Trashie BFFs.  We tried a "new to us" place downtown called de Veres.  It's an Irish Pub.  I had the Fish and Chips without the Chips.  Everyone was commenting about me not eating the chips and being healthy...BULLSHIT!  I told them...I'm really picky about my fries or "chips".  They have to be really crispy on the outside and if they're not, I won't eat them.  So generally, I don't order them unless I'm at a place where I know they'll make them the way I want them.

Now I'm home sucking down my second Tequila Sunrise and BBQing some Pulgliese bread. The ex (husband) texted and said "I love you and I miss you" with a smiley face and heart eyes.  I asked if he was ok, and he called me and told me that Wednesday night, while walking to the kitchen, his knee gave out and he fell...slicing his face open down to the jaw.  He needed 17 internal stitches and 14 external stitches. He ended the call telling me how much he loves and misses me.

It's always difficult to hear him say these things to me. He's unwilling to stop drinking and thus unwilling to help himself.  I suspect this is the reason his doctor won't do knee replacement surgery, because as long as he's drinking the healing process will be impaired. I can't go back to the merry-go-round...not sleeping at night because I'm afraid he'll kill someone drinking while driving, that we'd lose everything and the guilt that I'd feel.  But I've basically traded in that guilt for the guilt I feel every time he says he loves me and misses me.  Yes, I love him and I'll always love him...I'll never tell him that because he'd misread that as hope that we'll get back together. But I just can't be with him any more.

So what does that make me? A bitter heartless bitch? Someone who doesn't care? Selfish?  Yes, I'll agree to the selfish.  It comes down to self-preservation...I said it before, it's either me or him and since he's hell bent on killing himself, and there's nothing I can do about it...I'd better save myself.

So...You know what I'm saying about holding on to my ass.  But we've all been there.  You've been there.  You do the best you can, and wait for the sunshine...and it always comes!

Mom Beth C.T.

Four years ago...midnight, We lost Mom Trafton.  She was a complicated woman, a challenge. She was so opinionated and passionate. When she got something stuck in her craw...it was hard for her to let it go.  Yes, it's safe to say that we butted heads many times over the years, albeit my head butts were done with respect.

As mad as I could be with this woman, I respected her to the moon and back. She is a survivor of the Great Depression and old enough to remember how difficult times really were. How many young women in the 40's took off to start a life on their own? She was a school teacher who stopped off in Arizona for a teaching gig...then proceeded to California. She was FORMIDABLE!

There are many times I was irritated with her...like the time I was doing my business in the bathroom and she comes through TWO closed doors to talk to me....yeah, I'm sitting on the throne, looking up at her as she's asking questions.  I was not a happy camper! But you know, no matter how irritated I was, I loved her.  I loved that she was southern and sassy.  She made a badass Pecan Pie....who am I kidding...she made badass food! We loved chatting recipes, and we chatted about what we would do to change her home if we had the money.

She did not treat me like a Daughter-in-law...she treated me like her daughter. I am her daughter. I remember the day she told me that she was putting my name on her home.  I told her that it wasn't necessary, and her son's name alone would be just fine...but she insisted and I felt so humbled that she loved me so much.

It turned out to be fortuitous. Maybe she knew something I didn't.  She was smart about it though. On her deathbed, knowing that we could kick her ex-husband (who lived with her) out of the house...she made me promise to make sure he would have a home...either there or in Foresthill, and I did.

I remember after she passed, when we settled on the division of our assets, and I got her home....the Ex asked me "Why don't you just sell it?" It probably would've been the right decision, as I now owned the home outright, and there was no debt. But I knew that this was the chance she and I had to see all those changes we talked about come to fruition.  The house appraised at $114,000 on a slightly bigger 1/2 acre lot. It was in deplorable shape and anyone purchasing it would be doing it for the property and bulldozing the house. I gutted it and started over.  I'm glad I did.  It was the right decision on many levels.

There are many nights when I have a cold drink in my hand, and I walk the property...looking at the changes, and remembering her...knowing she'd really like this house (although there's no room for all the hoarding that people of the Great Depression often do).  I feel blessed that it's mine.  It is a gift from her, and yes...from my Ex.

I will never forget this remarkable woman.  Thanks Mom. I miss you...and I'm so happy that true love never dies.

Beanster Weekend

So I pick up my Beanster on Friday afternoon and the first question out of her mouth is whether the cowboy has moved in.  Knife twisting in my heart...ugh!  I tell her, no...he hasn't moved in.  "Well, when is he?"  I told her that he might not be moving in after all.  Sometimes these things do not work out.  So she looks at me and says "He'll still be going to Six-Flaggs with us, right?" I just smiled and said "maybe".  The hardest part about relationships is involving your family.  Especially my Niece.  Involving her is a big risk..to her!  I don't mind taking those risks, but I don't want her getting hurt in the process.

So I deflect and ask her when the last time was that she went to the movies?  I guess it had been awhile and it definitely had been awhile for me too.  Since we both haven't been to the movies in some time....we head off to see Maleficient. The new take on an old story was quite an appropriate one. Unfortunately for me, it hit me where I live.

I don't want this blog to be a spoiler, so the only thing I'll say is...at the end, I'm looking down at my niece knowing what's important and what isn't. Since we're both big Disney fans...we know the words to "Once Upon a Dream" and walk out, hand in hand, singing loud and proud!

After picking up stuff for dinner, we get home and BBQ ribs!  The next morning is spent at the farmers market getting fresh fruit and veggies.  Of course...she pipes up, "Auntie, we have to get our street tacos" and we do!



We always have a great time at the Farmers Market and I like that I'm teaching her how to pick out the ripe fruit vs over ripe (or under). I'm teaching her to smell the produce and the touch and feel of the right food.

We also make our own rub for the ribs and we packed the leftover rub into a shaker for home.  Not sure what her mother is going to think of all of this...but, it's all good.

Saturday evening, we BBQed shrimp and veggies.  I made a foil packet with bacon, brussels sprouts and carrots, and I grilled some green onions.  It turned out great.

My niece is obsessed with Harry Potter...so needless to say, it was a HP weekend. I think I could go without seeing Harry for awhile.  I hated seeing her leave, but I'm looking forward to us being together again....especially our Amusement Park Day!!!

Needing My Beanster

When I'm feeling conflicted and low, my Beanster always puts me back into perspective. She lights up my life like no other can! The moment she entered my life, just like her brother, I knew that love had just taken on a whole new meaning.

I think I'm antsy because a lot of milestones are coming up...The 4th anniversary of Mom's passing is Monday.  This is the month I took over the renovation of my home 3 years ago.  I've made decisions and choices and my future is undergoing changes.

I've been chanting the Serenity Prayer quite a bit.  For those of you that don't know it....

     Grant me the Serenity
        to accept the things I cannot change
     Courage to change the things I can
        and the wisdom to know the difference

It's always the "wisdom to know the difference" part that gets me. The Analytical part of me feeds the control freak in me and then it's fucking on. Wisdom flies out the window, and I put my machinations into play hoping to change the outcome...  It's a real internal struggle for me to just breathe and let things be. And when I calm down and let it go....my brain starts wondering if I could've changed the outcome.

Yes Peeps....I'm a seriously fucked up person.  So I'm gonna get my head on straight and my priorities right and spend precious time with my Angel!!!

Confidence

I inadvertently shook a BFF's confidence today.  I didn't mean to, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.  It hurts a lot.

The funny thing is..I get my confidence from this BFF.  She's fun, brazen, outrageous, beautiful, smart...and she gives me strength.  She is a fighter.  Life has thrown her some curve balls, and not only does she hit them...but she aims for the balls of the pitcher of life!  Yes, she would tell you she's a ball buster. She's blunt, but honest. We are a lot alike.

The really funny (but not so funny) thing is...she's as analytical as I am....especially when it comes to love and matters of the heart.  And the real bitch of it is...you can't analyze love or the heart.  Logic escapes out the window, and as much as I try to use logic, it bites me in the ass every time.

Logically, I feel it should be a slam-dunk when it comes to the Cowboy. All my guy friends think I'm cool, that I'm the ultimate girl...no, not the beautiful model type. The drive, think and do things like a guy, but smell good and look ok doing it kind of girl.  So why does it not work? Why did I have to say goodbye? Why doesn't he see what these guys see? Who the fuck knows. But logic has nothing to do with it, or we'd be together.

She tries to use logic too, and there is no logic.  I sometimes wish there was, but I know that if I'm in a logical relationship...there's no magic, no sizzle and no risk.

When all is said and done though, the most important thing to me right now...is the relationships I have with my Girlies. Not the relationships with the men.  If a man lives with me, that'll raise his stakes higher, and if I marry him, then he has to be a priority.  But the reality is, it is our Girl friends and our Guy friends that get us through the craptacular days. They are the ones that listen to us, console us, feel us and help us keep our heads on straight.  Golden relationships are a priority, not the muscle chasing.

She is the priority and I do not ever want her thinking that she's not the badass bitch she knows she is!  I want her to be the confident woman that inspires me to be better, do better and love better.  My message to her is:

"I see you.  My heart sees you. My soul sees you.  And though you may have a momentary lapse of self confidence, you are that woman that other women want to emulate. You are that woman that inspires, moves and gives the best part of yourself. You are the woman that everyone wants to be around, laugh around.  You make us feel better about ourselves. I love you!"

What A Day!

I tell ya...sometimes it's just tiring on Mondays.  I usually love Mondays because I can walk around with a smile on my face and piss people off.  It's a good feeling.

Today though, a 2 1/2 hour meeting, details, trying to get it all done, grocery shop....but I did pick up the ingredients for Pig Candy and I got a killer deal on these monster scallops.

So I made the Pig Candy and I'll be sending it to the Washington Marine.  He's sent me two batches of jerky and I have not reciprocated...and I'd better do it before karma comes back to bite me in the ass.

I BBQed the scallops on the grill and they were absolutely delicious.  It's been a long time since I've had scallops, and when the guy behind the counter gave them to me at the medium scallop price (these were extra large), how could I pass it up?  I couldn't.

I'm a little frustrated these days.  While I could be frustrated over my love life, I've decided to just let it roll and not worry about it. However there are a couple of people that frustrate me to no end.  One..because they don't want to help themselves and the other for doing something behind my back and not discussing it with me...before or after.

I realize now that I need to be making different choices so that these things do not come back to bite me in the ass.  I guess we all reach a crossroads where our choices come back to haunt us and we realize that it is of our own doing.  Still...I'm frustrated.

Father's Day

This is always a weird day for me.  I wish the Dad's that I know a "Happy Father's Day". But for me...I've never really had a Dad.  And there may have been a time to pursue it, but I've had such crappy step-father's that I felt it better to not know the biological.  Besides, I'm a product of date rape (which is something I never should've been told), so why would I want to know an ass like that.

A couple of weeks back, I was talking to my Mother and not sure how we even got onto the subject of Fathers, but I said something along the lines of never wanting to pursue  relationship with the biological. And she informs me that he's dead, so it'll never happen.

I guess what's so damned irritating to me about the whole thing is she's obviously kept close enough contact to know these things.  He's also someone everyone on my mothers side of the family knows, but no one asked me what I wanted, or anything.  Some big family secret that will continue to be one.  The drama never ends.

Those commercials would always get me...the bride having her father/daughter dance. The little girl dancing on her daddy's feet.

But that doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who have awesome Dads.  I am...extremely. And I love acknowledging them.  It's not easy to be a parent. It can be a thankless, heart wrenching job.  On the other hand...you'll never know the greatest joys without being a parent. Ah well..

You Wanna Be Who????

So Friday, "N" from ClearView Screens came and added extra magnets to my screen doors and cleaned them up a bit.  If you recall...He was the one that installed the screens slightly over a year ago. He stayed and had margaritas with me and my friends, and it was obvious that he liked me (this from my friends...I'm usually oblivious to this kind of stuff), but he is young. He was 32..and now in a couple weeks, he'll be 34.

Well, I invited my cousin "S" and my friend "S" over for a little "Girlie R n R" and N was still here...so he partied down with us.  He ended up leaving around 11, and it was a really fun evening.  We decided we'll have to take him under our wing and show him how to live a little.  He's a really good-looking guy, dark hair, cool tats, good shape, funny, smart, homeowner, part business owner...etc.

So we ended up texting on Saturday...quite a bit.  I think he still feels the same way as he did a year ago.  Even my friend "S" texted me and said "You always get the hotties #s.  I wanna be you when I grow up!"  Huh?  Where did that come from?  I am 16 years older than this guy. If anything were to happen, it would be one of those "I'll teach you a few things, you'll teach me a few things" and that would be it. God, that makes me sound like a nympho or something.

The thing is..I have unfinished business with the Cowboy, and I have the WA Marine who is definitely interested....now I wanna throw a 34 year old into the mix?  What the hell???  Maybe I should just swear off men for the summer (or longer) and just keep my head in the work/home game for now.

Hmmmm......

Awake...

I'm having a hard time dropping off to sleep.  Maybe it's the moon...maybe it's the sirens and helicopter I hear outside....maybe it's my mind that's clouded.  It's actually been like that all week. Can't seem to drop off to sleep.

After one of my team meetings today, one of the members (A) took me aside to ask if I knew the guy who took over a cubicle vacated by a person that got promoted.  I told him that I did know the guy (the Work Marine) and asked why.  He said "I thought you should know that he speaks very highly of you".  I told "A" that the Work Marine gives me too much credit for helping him get his job.  And "A" said..."No, I mean he's totally enamored of you...as in outside of work, future relationship stuff".

Although I knew he had feelings for me, I didn't realize that he was talking about me that way to others.  I thought about it and decided to make light of the situation and told "A", "Well, I'm sorry to hear that because I don't date anyone from the work pool....But I might make an exception in your case".  "A" looked at me and busted up laughing.  He said "Really, cuz I might take you up on that" and I started snorting with laughter.  I told him that because I do project management, it wouldn't  be good to muddy the water with any work/off work relationships and he said that he totally understood...he just thought I should know the extent of the Work Marine's feelings.  I thanked him and we went our separate ways.

That is not good.  I get that someone may have feelings for me at work...but why are you discussing that with others?  Totally not appropriate.  I certainly don't need anyone mistakingly thinking that I may be interested and act on someone at work.  I don't know.  I like the Work Marine as a friend, and I told him upfront that nothing will ever happen between us because we work at the same facility.

When I was sick last week, he texted and asked to take me to coffee.  I let him know I was out of the office sick and he asked me if the Cowboy was taking care of me.  I knew he was asking that for more than one reason.  He wanted to know if the Cowboy had moved in with me. Instead of answering yes or no...I answered that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself when I'm sick...with or without a man.  When he saw me this week he apologized for asking the question.

I have the suspicion that things just got a little more complicated at work.  I will need to step carefully...especially since my next step is to get into Management.

Ok, It's 11 p.m. and I'm gonna shut down the 'puter and see if I can get some sleep.  I can hear the helicopter, and the police loudspeaker say something about calling 911..blah blah blah...So I've pulled out my .40 and it's lying next to me on the bed..since I'm not closing my windows.  The air is too nice and cool outside.  G'nite Peeps.

BOOM!

Not sure where to start...Let's start with my french doors in the bedroom.  I fell asleep with them open last night.  Not sure how safe that is..even with my SigPower backing my play.  The evening was nice and cool and I shut off the Air Conditioner. I went to bed at 8 and figured I would doze and then close them, but I didn't fall asleep until almost 11 p.m. and when my alarm clock went off, it was still open...only the screen had accidentally opened, so I'm not sure why I didn't wake up when that happened.  Note to self...call the installation company and get another magnet installed on both screens...

Then I come home to find that someone had rammed my gate and it was twisted and down!!!  Dizzy is one pissed off woman!  I put it back up and secured it as best as I could.  I went to Lowe's and bought 5 big planters that I'll be filling with cement to block the gate and walk way.  I think what I'll do is dig down a couple of feet, put a hole in the bottom and fill it down with cement and include some rebar so some idiot will have a tough time moving them.  Then I'll fill them almost entirely with cement and put a thin layer of dirt and some plants on top.

Any fucker that wants to ram the gate with their truck will be denting the mother fucker.  This will be temporary until I can get the property surveyed.  Once I'm sure of the property line, I'll put up a permanent barrier and then flip my finger to all the fuckers that want to dick with me....Gee, can you tell I'm not a happy camper?

I'm sick to death that people don't respect my property, throw their plastic water bottles and Starbucks cups on the path for me to clean up.  Fine...I'm getting wolf piss and spraying it everywhere so your damn dogs will freak out when you try and walk them on my property. I am done being nice to people who don't respect my property.

Ok...deep breath...Ommmm...OOOOMMMMMMM...I am at peace with the universe, all is jiggy in my world....when is the weekend???

At The Same Point I Was This Time Last Year

Can you believe it?  I was comparing notes with someone and I recognized that I've come full circle and ended up in the exact same spot I was last year.

As you recall, I went to Oregon for Memorial Day (spent a couple weeks there), visited family, visited the Cowboy, etc. But when I got back, I didn't have the answers that I sought. So, after a lot of thought an introspection, I decided to walk away and let it go.  I felt like I was banging my head against something that just wasn't going to happen.  Then, July 10th/11th happened and changed everything.  And now...

Here I am, not necessarily walking away, but allowing other opportunities into my life because I don't have the answers that I need.  It's a self-preservation thing.  If I don't allow these opportunities, I will lose that part of me that is fighting to survive a single life.  I will give total control over to someone who won't necessarily be looking out for me. That is not good. It was why I left my marriage.  Don't get me wrong...I love my Cowboy and that will never change. But I also have to be smart about things and realize that maybe it's not the right time for us and certain elements have to be present for it to work.

It's funny to hear some people say silly things like..."You're so lucky you're single...I wish I was" etc. But this isn't a life I would've chosen.  I chose a single life out of self-preservation because the alcoholic in my life didn't love himself enough and wanted to take me down with him.  I am happiest with a man in my life.  I want to grow old with someone and enjoy middle age/old age with someone who makes me laugh and respects me.  I would like to extend my family with a partners family, friends, etc.

But I will not settle. A person has to make me feel...magical, or it isn't gonna happen.  And I can do single.  I can live alone...I'll just get myself another kitty and flip off the relationship life with my universal finger. And while I might miss sex....I have a toy and the batteries are replaceable, so...I think I'll be ok.

But it's strange knowing that I'm in the same spot as I was last year.  Hmmm.  I was supposed to have all the answers and I'm just as confused as I ever was.  Wish me luck!

Heartbreak Ridge

I love this Clint Eastwood movie.  Because I've never served, I can't say how truthful the movie is, but I love the essence of it because Gunny is always fighting to make sure his Recon unit is worthy, even when they themselves were not sure if they were worthy.   Gunny never questions whether or not his group is worthy, he never questions whether or not they're Marines.  He knows they are and he's hell bent on making sure they recognize and know it for themselves.

It's always the difficult things that drive home whether or not you are worthy, whether or not you can do it.  You either improvise, adapt and overcome, or you get swallowed whole. I'm having one of those moments after being sick and weaker than a kitten for a week.  Today is the first day where I'm actually feeling ok...no, not strong, just ok.  I'm still hacking up solid food, but I've kept more down than up, and I'm sipping on a little white wine and contemplating my next steps.

I went to work for a half day yesterday.  I came back exhausted and promptly fell asleep on the sofa.  It took a lot out of me.  I realize I'm not ready for Tough Mudder, and am wondering or not I can do it in August. Just coming off of being really sick is not a good time to question whether or not I'm ready for the Mudder, but the mind is churning, and I can't stop the thoughts from coming.

I got an email at work stating that I need to put a plan into place to reduce the amount of vacation that I have.  What will the next trip be?  I have a weekend booked for Portland, then I'll be headed to Tennessee for a wedding in September.  I have a week booked at the end of September in San Francisco for Oracle World, and I have a week booked at Christmas for Seaside.  Not sure I'm keeping either of them. I really want to be in Mexico.

The funny thing is....I'm in the exact position I was last year at this time.  I had just gotten back from Seaside, I made some decisions, I started moving forward...and July 11th, 2:32 am happened.   What will happen now? What decisions will I make and what will life toss my way?

In the meantime, I sliced some pear, popped some corn (with truffle salt), sliced some extra sharp white Tillimook and poured some viognier and am sitting out on my patio with my "margarita glass" lights on and enjoying the evening. I'm not a rich girl, I'm a simple girl. I don't have a lot of money, but I have a home. I have a job, I have a life.  I don't have to hang out in a bar to feel important or loved, I can just be.

Little Victories

I tried to go to work today, but by the time I got up, showered, dressed and headed to the truck, I was so dizzy.  When I closed my eyes, I thought I was going to drop to the floor. So I headed back into the house and promptly collapsed on the sofa.

However, I did manage to get some food down and I managed to walk to my mailbox and get my mail...first time all week! I'm going into work tomorrow, come hell or high water and then...hopefully get my crib back into shape this weekend. I have not unpacked my suitcase from last week, and there's a sink full of dishes with my name on them.  I've also been craving a crisp salad, so maybe that's what we'll have for dinner tomorrow.

Sixteen Candles is on the boob tube and it takes me back. Although it came out two years after I graduated, I don't know a girl alive that didn't have a "Jake Ryan" in her past.  In a lot of ways, I still feel like that unsure person, not knowing what the future holds, but excited about the possibilities.

Wish me luck.

Diz Done In...by Flu?

Last Thursday, while in Tahoe, I started feeling weird. We went out to dinner and when we got back to the Coyote House I knew I couldn't hold my head up for a second longer, so at 8 p.m. I bid K & R goodnight and headed to bed.  I got up the next morning around 9, but then crawled back in by 10:30 and stayed there until the next morning.  I was coughing, feverish, etc.  But I managed to pull it together long enough to drive myself home.

After dragging my stuff in the house, I dressed down, hit the shower, and was once again...out.  This time though, I developed an unusual headache. It was like lightening bolts in my skull and it would't let me sleep. I knew I wasn't going to work on Monday and my doctor wanted me to come see her, but I told her there was no way I could drive to Lincoln. Fortunately, they set me up with a doc that was about 4 miles away.  What do I have?

I have a severe flu, puss behind my ear drums, 101.7 temperature,  extremely low blood pressure, etc.  They gave me a shot of Torodal in my ass to help with the head pain, antibiotics, more pain meds and was told if I get any worse to head to the emergency room...UGH!  I used this opportunity to hit the grocery store cuz I knew I wouldn't be leaving my home anytime soon.  Got fresh fruit, yogurt, avocado, etc. But the truth is, I hadn't eating anything since Thursday.

K brought me home some chicken noodle, but it had no taste and I ended up puking it all up anyway. I made a fruit smoothie when I got home and managed to keep that down, but my eating is nonexistent. I'm down 10 lbs and am just exhausted.

I did purchase some ready made mashed potatoes and I ate some of that this morning.  They're a little on the salty side, but...it's something. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to muster the energy to head downtown for  class I'd signed up for months ago. Better make sure I can fix some dinner and keep that down.

The good news is that I've made plans to camp with some friends in July, so I'll fly to Portland, OR and have a bit of fun.  These are the same friends I met in Cabo last year.  So looking forward to it.

You know....Life will not wait for you, it will leave you in the dust. I can't put my life on hold anymore and I have to go out and pursue it. So here it goes.... Now if I could just blow this flu...