Holding on to my Ass

It's been one of those weeks where you just hold on to your ass and work it. Keep your head tucked down and breathe!

Work is stressing me out, but on top of that, the pressure to use my vacation time has heated up.  It's not that I don't want to take my vacations...of course I do.  It's just that I have to make sure the project goes on without anymore issues than we've already suffered.

Had a great time with my Trashie BFFs.  We tried a "new to us" place downtown called de Veres.  It's an Irish Pub.  I had the Fish and Chips without the Chips.  Everyone was commenting about me not eating the chips and being healthy...BULLSHIT!  I told them...I'm really picky about my fries or "chips".  They have to be really crispy on the outside and if they're not, I won't eat them.  So generally, I don't order them unless I'm at a place where I know they'll make them the way I want them.

Now I'm home sucking down my second Tequila Sunrise and BBQing some Pulgliese bread. The ex (husband) texted and said "I love you and I miss you" with a smiley face and heart eyes.  I asked if he was ok, and he called me and told me that Wednesday night, while walking to the kitchen, his knee gave out and he fell...slicing his face open down to the jaw.  He needed 17 internal stitches and 14 external stitches. He ended the call telling me how much he loves and misses me.

It's always difficult to hear him say these things to me. He's unwilling to stop drinking and thus unwilling to help himself.  I suspect this is the reason his doctor won't do knee replacement surgery, because as long as he's drinking the healing process will be impaired. I can't go back to the merry-go-round...not sleeping at night because I'm afraid he'll kill someone drinking while driving, that we'd lose everything and the guilt that I'd feel.  But I've basically traded in that guilt for the guilt I feel every time he says he loves me and misses me.  Yes, I love him and I'll always love him...I'll never tell him that because he'd misread that as hope that we'll get back together. But I just can't be with him any more.

So what does that make me? A bitter heartless bitch? Someone who doesn't care? Selfish?  Yes, I'll agree to the selfish.  It comes down to self-preservation...I said it before, it's either me or him and since he's hell bent on killing himself, and there's nothing I can do about it...I'd better save myself.

So...You know what I'm saying about holding on to my ass.  But we've all been there.  You've been there.  You do the best you can, and wait for the sunshine...and it always comes!