At The Same Point I Was This Time Last Year

Can you believe it?  I was comparing notes with someone and I recognized that I've come full circle and ended up in the exact same spot I was last year.

As you recall, I went to Oregon for Memorial Day (spent a couple weeks there), visited family, visited the Cowboy, etc. But when I got back, I didn't have the answers that I sought. So, after a lot of thought an introspection, I decided to walk away and let it go.  I felt like I was banging my head against something that just wasn't going to happen.  Then, July 10th/11th happened and changed everything.  And now...

Here I am, not necessarily walking away, but allowing other opportunities into my life because I don't have the answers that I need.  It's a self-preservation thing.  If I don't allow these opportunities, I will lose that part of me that is fighting to survive a single life.  I will give total control over to someone who won't necessarily be looking out for me. That is not good. It was why I left my marriage.  Don't get me wrong...I love my Cowboy and that will never change. But I also have to be smart about things and realize that maybe it's not the right time for us and certain elements have to be present for it to work.

It's funny to hear some people say silly things like..."You're so lucky you're single...I wish I was" etc. But this isn't a life I would've chosen.  I chose a single life out of self-preservation because the alcoholic in my life didn't love himself enough and wanted to take me down with him.  I am happiest with a man in my life.  I want to grow old with someone and enjoy middle age/old age with someone who makes me laugh and respects me.  I would like to extend my family with a partners family, friends, etc.

But I will not settle. A person has to make me feel...magical, or it isn't gonna happen.  And I can do single.  I can live alone...I'll just get myself another kitty and flip off the relationship life with my universal finger. And while I might miss sex....I have a toy and the batteries are replaceable, so...I think I'll be ok.

But it's strange knowing that I'm in the same spot as I was last year.  Hmmm.  I was supposed to have all the answers and I'm just as confused as I ever was.  Wish me luck!