Leaving Savannah

August 31^st – We wake up to the sound of some woman screeching at her man that he has no clue what she puts up with.  It was frakking funny.  M yells out that he doesn’t care what she has to go through…then we’re all laughing and awake.  We get ready and head out.  

Poor L has a serious hangover (I never do…I drink lots of water when I drink alcohol) and is popping pills.  We decide to head home, but not before I get to check out Paula Deen’s store and the store front to “The Lady and Son’s” her restaurant. They weren’t open though…bummer.   On the way back, we stop for breakfast (and I finally find a way to pay for something…bout damned time!). 

We get back, and everyone is kind of snoozy.  So I decide to check out the local surroundings and put on my walking clothes.  I should’ve brought water, but I did ok.  Really beautiful, green and lush territory.  The homes are fun to look at, and I got to see an estate that was basically a horse ranch.  Totally cool.  I was out for almost a couple of hours, and when I got back, the ladies were gone.  They went to the store and purchased the fixins for the blue cheese, bacon guacamole that I had told them about.  So I made that up, and we ate fish tacos and guacamole.  YUM.  

Savannah

August 30^th – We drive to Savannah. M & P have rented a room with a loft at the Old Harbour Inn, which is right on the river and the riverfront road.  How awesome is that???  The view from the room is incredible and nice and cool.  Yes, it’s humid in Georgia this time of year, but I’m able to handle it so much better now that I’m over 100 lbs lighter.  It freaking makes all the difference in the world!  

L carted two birthday bags for P and Me (Our birthday is on the same day).  Inside are a bunch of goodies…homemade glow-in-the-dark crowns, a kitchen timer, a nail file, some funny quotes on napkins, etc.  It was really cool and thoughtful.  We then set out to see the waterfront.

We’re headed to a place called Wet Willies, which is the Adult Slushie capital of the world. Any slushie flavor you can think of is here…with alcohol in it!!! YUM!  We are having such a good time laughing and slurping…does it get much better?  With a slight buzz, we take off and look at some of the historical stuff, hit up few shops and I end up buying 3 military ornaments for my tree (one for each of the military guys in my life).  We hit up this one place and L comes over and hands me two dice and says…this is perfect for you and your man.  It was naughty and perfect! I bought them and they were half off!  We then head up the road and cop a squat at M’s favorite watering hole. Our intent was to people watch at a roadside table for a little bit, and then go to a nice dinner.  Yeah, like that was gonna happen.  We started drinking and it was ON! 

I managed to attract the one strange older guy that patrols the waterfront.  He had on shorts that were practically Richard Simmons short, and shaved, smooth tanned legs. He was so proud of his legs.  He tells me he’s headed to San Diego to attract the ladies, and I had to warn him that those shorts would not only attract the ladies, but the men that “swing” his way.  He wasn’t too happy to hear that, but he was good-natured about it, and my delivery was kind.  I think he was infatuated with my smile…not sure though. He must’ve come by our table about 4 times.

We also met up with one of M’s military buddies and his wife.  We had ourselves a hell of a time!  We ended up closing that place down and making a run through the local candy store.  Since M insisted on covering the bill for our accommodations and our drinks (crazy loveable man), I bought the taffy for him.  We ended up at our place, but I didn’t realize how wasted everyone was until then.   We got a phone call from the reservation desk saying that we were a little loud (actually the walls are a little thin).   I hate getting into bed sweaty.  If the sheets are sticking to my legs, I just can’t sleep.  So I head to the shower and get rinsed off and my jammies on.  When I come out…everyone is in bed and sawing logs.  So I went out on the balcony and watched the river.  Absolutely beautiful!  I go back in and head to bed.

Off to Atlanta...

August 29^th – “L” and I head to Atlanta GA to surprise her sister “P”.  P gave me my beloved kitty JazzyKat.  She fell in love and ran off with her man “M” over 10 years ago.  I had been promising for years to come see her, but hadn’t done it.  Her sister and I cooked up a scheme to surprise her.  So for the past 5+ months, I’d been keeping a low key on her FB page and her man’s page because I didn’t want to give anything up.  

When she began the countdown to her sisters impending arrival, I knew I had to comment, so I tried to keep it light saying I was jealous and what about if I came out at Christmas.  Blah blah blah.  So we have a slight layover and plane change in Denver (so close to my man…and yet so far) and arrive in Atlanta in the afternoon.  

We go up the escalator, and “L” says that “P” is usually waiting for her at the top.  We get to the top and look around and don’t spot her right away. We finally catch sight of her, but she runs straight to her sisters arms and her eyes are closed as she’s hugging her tight.  I walk around the two of them and her man “M” signals me over and gives me a big hug.  We wait for P to turn around.  

She’s wondering what’s up with her sister and think she’s mad about something. Her sister points to us and P turns around and looks…looks again (I think she’s wondering what skank has her arms around her man) and then realizes it’s me. The look was priceless!!!  She runs up and gives me this huge hug and wants to know what I’m doing there? How long have we cooked up this scheme? Who else knows?  It was too funny.

From there, the merriment commences! We take the hour plus drive to Warner Robbins and I finally get to check out their crib…which is totally cool!  M brings me out an Air Force hat and a ParaRescue hat (he knows I’m a military hat Ho) with a kiss on the cheek…How freaking lucky am I? We basically settle in and snack, yapp half the night and drink.  It was so fun!  I got to meet the two pups and the chickens. It’s awesome!

Frustrated...

My Niece (whom I fondly refer to as the Beanster) is having a rough time at home.  She continues to send me texts asking me to adopt her like I did her brother.  She doesn't understand the circumstances which allowed me to have custody of her brother, nor does she understand that her brother was an adult and able to choose, when I adopted him.

The Beanster asked me to forge her mother's signature and just take her. I explained that I would end up in jail and wouldn't be able to help her. She asked me if I would ask her Mom, but I couldn't tell her of past conversations with her mother screaming at me that I'd never have custody of her daughter.  The bottom line is my sister has never been a mother to a child over the age of 6. My Niece turns 11 in a couple of weeks.  I'm sure she's a handful, and with someone who's self-absorbed and does not possess any patience whatsoever, like my sister, well....Beanie is having a tough time.

I'm wracking my brains trying to figure out a solution without letting my sister know that her daughter is texting me.  If she ever found out, things would not be good for my niece because she'd be deprived of an outlet, a way to vent about her mother.  If anyone has any suggestions, I'd welcome them.

Today was a great day as far as Project Management goes.  I attended a summit and it was awesome. Really liked the fact that the sessions were conducted by top private companies with hands on experience. I didn't feel talked down to, or that anything was being sold to me.  I was able to network with a bunch of different State Agency PMs and vendors.  All and all a really good day.

On the Man front, didn't get to dialog with him as much as I would've liked, but what we did say/text to each other was quality. I fear I'm losing my head over the Cowboy. Ok, I have lost my head over the Cowboy, but you know what? I'm ok with that. I'm enjoying the sensation of feeling treasured...and I like it. I'm really hoping I can see him for my birthday.  That's my birthday wish (well along with making sure my niece is squared away).  But if it doesn't happen, I know we'll be together in Cabo.  Yeah, I know that I'm the one messing around in a long distance relationship (he's in Denver), but for now, it suits me, and who knows what the future will bring. I'm happy. I like it. Nuff said.

G'nite Peeps!

Compliments

So I got up really early this morning because I couldn't sleep.  Just kept watching the damned clock inch its way forward into the future...and it was pissing me off.  I got up, showered and headed to work early.  I had that presentation draft to finish and send off.  What a pain!

But while I was at work, I got a text "This song is for you, 'Good Morning Beautiful'". It's by Steve Holy and it gave me the biggest smile on my face.  I didn't think my smile could get any bigger, but then he texts "Love you to, if your smiling I'm super smiling!  Ok...I was floating.  I didn't reply to the text because I was knee deep in the presentation, but it just made me feel so good!  Everyone coming by my desk could see my goofy-assed love struck grin on my face and kept asking..."Why are you so happy?" Hmmmm.....

Later that day, I think I got one of the coolest compliments of my life.  I told him that "You're better than power tools (they make me hot) and my toy all rolled into one! You're Christmas Baby!!!"  And his response...."If I'm Christmas your... the present I have been waiting for!!! :)" And it's simplicity and beauty just kind of struck me.  I actually started to cry at work.  Not a bad cry, a good one.  I get compliments and most of them are work related (meaning they want me to work harder) or from people who have a crush (but have no chance with me because I work with them, they're married and I found what I wanted) and don't come off with sincerity.  It's like they want something and they already know (because I made it clear) that its never gonna happen..so they compliment to see if it'll work.

I also have a hard time believing compliments because those same people who didn't have a compliment for me when I was fat are now full of compliments...and I couldn't give a rats ass about my supposed beauty...blah blah blah.  The outward stuff is crap, it's fleeting and will be gone in a few years because I'm aging and it is what it is.  It's the inner beauty that I want to strive for and that I battle for every day (I have an inner war waging between the hateful Diz that wants a certain person dead, and the nice Diz that will die for the people she loves). I know who gives the sincere compliments and it's from people who are perfectly aware of my bullshit. When they compliment me...I know it's real.  And that is probably the crux of it.  He called me on my bullshit this past weekend and then spun out this poignant compliment, and it just hit me.

It was really important for me to stay focused because I'm in class tomorrow, and then Thursday, I have plans....It's a surprise for the person on the other end...so I've been really quiet about it because I didn't want the word to get out.  So, if I blog on Thursday, I'll make sure to let you all in on the secret (although some of you know what it is).

Next week, I'll only be in the office one day, and class one day and then I get my new shower door on Friday.  If I'm really lucky, I'll get my birthday wish on Friday too! We shall see. After that, September becomes a blur of activity. Gotta finish writing my speech, Jen's Wedding reception (gotta talk to the Cowboy about that.  Don't want to force him to go or anything...), My Niece's birthday, Kimmmaaayyy's birthday, Denise's birthday, The BBQ honoring the teams, A tea with the Trashies, Oracle World, Alison's retirement party and then....CABO!

Speaking of Cabo...I gotta email my Cabo buddies and find out if they need me to bring anything from the States.  Also have to find out if they've updated their WiFi, or do I still need to bring my router. Yeah, although I speak sketchy Geek, there are just some things I like to make sure of, and one of them is that I'm still connected.  However, 10 of those days will be busy and if I connect or don't connect...well who cares!

Wish me luck my friends.  I really need to knock this speech out of the park. To do so would be a really great thing for my career. I need to be succinct and articulate.  I know this would look great on a resume, and it's not that I'm looking to leave my current career, but you never know what this life will throw at you and "Chance favors the prepared mind".

So Many Things...

So many pans in the fire right now for Dizzy.  I like being busy, but it seems that everything is happening all at once. My presentation for the conference isn't going as well as I'd like and it needs to be turned in tomorrow.  I mainly just want to get the actual powerpoint pages done first, then work on the actual speech part.  But Man oh Man...the audience is intimidating and I'm not as technical as most of these people.

Had an awesome dinner with my God Daughter.  She is beautiful, smart, articulate...she's going to be just fine.  I was worried about the adoption stuff, but I think she's putting it into perspective and she knows she has the support of her parents, and that helps a lot.

I tell ya, as overwhelmed as I'm feeling right now, it is so nice to go to sleep to someone calling you "My Sweet Beautiful".  And on that note...I'm just gonna end tonight's blog.

SPANKED!!!

Yesterday, I posed on FB that my heart was light and that I was happy.  Everyone kept asking why, and yes, it does have to do with a certain Cowboy...but not for the reasons you think.

I got verbally spanked yesterday...yeah, up one side and down the other. I was chastised for my biggest faults, and I'm well aware of them. But to hear it said from "your guy" is a whole nuther ballgame.

I have a tendency to live in the future.  I'm always expecting something to fail, crash...whatever, so I'm constantly making plans on how to either circumvent the crash, or how to survive it. This habit has served me well over the years. As my cousin says, she's seen me have to be the responsible person as a child, watching over my brother, then my sister...and into adulthood. It didn't stop because then I was taking care of my adult brother and sister and my mother. And to some extent, I still do.  Plus, you add my niece and my kid into the mixture, and well...you get it. And then the last straw, the husband...divorce and trying to plan for this new future, well...I'm trying to play ahead of the game, like I always do.

With the Cowboy in my life, it takes on a whole different dimension. I'm already planning for the relationship to fail, and how I'll handle it.  I also try and be as tough as possible so I won't be played.  And I got spanked yesterday. The Cowboy said that I need to knock this crap off and just be me. He also said that he's never met anyone that lives as much in the future as I do, and that I'm already looking at a future where this relationship fails, and it frustrates him. And he's right.

He taught me to live in the moment, and I'm throwing those lessons out the window and trying to plan for a future that hasn't happened.  He's with me now. I need to just enjoy that for the moment that it is. Tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is the here and the now. I'm having a very hard time letting go of my past and just being and enjoying the day. But if I don't learn to do it, I could lose this man.  And I just don't want to let go of him.  He gives me a feeling that I can't describe, that I've never known and in my heart, I know I'll never know again. This is a man that can kick my ass, in a good way. A straight shooter and no bullshit. He won't pull his punches just because I'm his girl, and I like that.

I get that I've been dealt some shitty cards in the past. I don't know what I did to piss off God in a former life, but I've been paying for it ever since I was a kid. But I also know that there's other people out there that have had it worse and currently have it worse.  This man makes me believe that I could have a different life. He's forcing me to dare to believe that if I can just let go of the past, that there's something bigger and better out there just waiting for me.

So I took my spanking (Thank you Sir...may I have another?), and I'll keep the lesson in my head.  Not everything has to be planned ahead of time. And stop looking for heartbreak that hasn't happened yet!

Adopted....

It's really difficult for adopted kids.  There are a million reasons why these kids are available for adoption, but when they become of age...and sometimes sooner, they want to know those reasons. As a parent, it's a minefield...a minefield of hurt, confusion, frustration...the list is endless.

My God Daughter "S" is going through this right now.  She's too young to understand that her adoptive parents had nothing to do with the situation...that they only wanted a child to love, and she was that gift. They've been forthright with information at age appropriate times.  She's a month and a half shy of 18 and her natural siblings sent her a plane ticket and filled her head with their side of the story...a story they couldn't possibly have the answers to, since they were children when it happened.  Now she's questioning everything. She thinks the things her parents have told her is a lie.

I've been there. And it was hard for me, because it is my sister that we're talking about. I adopted my sister's son. There are so many things I haven't told him because it serves no purpose. He's discovered his "Mother's" faults on his own (He calls me Mom, her Mother).  But there were the years that he calls "the years I hated you" that he made me suffer for the injustices he had to endure. And I get that.  You attack the people you love, because deep in your heart you know that they'll never leave you...they love you unconditionally and they'll take it and forgive you.  That doesn't make it any easier.  As kick ass and as strong as I am, there were nights I cried myself to sleep over the things he said that the hurts he's endured. I ate to cope with it all, not realizing that I was only hurting myself and that there were other ways to work through it.

I think we're at a good place now.  He's seen his Mother pull some crappy shit and lie to him, and he knows now that I did the best I could and that I always have his best interests at heart. But sweet "S" still has this tough road to walk.  She may not like the answers she finds out. Actually, I can bet money that she definitely won't like the answers she finds out. But the choice is hers.  She has to decide whether or not to pursue it.

She also has to understand that the past is the past.  She can't change it, and no one can.  Her parents were there for her and are there for her and that won't change.  She can pursue the answers now...or she can wait. They will wait for her.

People often ask me why I never found my biological father.  The answer is that what I don't know can't necessarily hurt me.  I could find him if I wanted to, but am I gonna like what I find? Is that going to change my life, make me a better person? Or will it fill me with poison and dread? The truth is...I can live without knowing and be perfectly happy without him in my life.  If I can do that, then I don't really need to find him...do I?  I choose NOT to know. I can live with the consequences of that decision.

This weekend, I'm going to have lunch with my God Daughter and explain some of these things and give her a different perspective.  What she does with it is up to her. But no matter what she does...she has family that loves her intently...and a God Mother that would do anything for her.  In this life...you could have a lot less....

Spun

What a day.  I received a 2013 Best of IT "Outstanding IT Service and Support Award from Center of Digital Government at the GTC Conference.  I'm humbled and honored...not because I received it, but because the teams I work with are so frakking awesome.  They make me look exceedingly capable.

Yesterday, my Marine said some pretty awesome stuff about how I have him doing stuff that he would never do. That was so cool. But today, he said that I can get him spinning. I know that I'm the woman that can spin him now, but wasn't there a woman who could spin him in the past?  EVER?  He says no. I'm the first.  He's 41....out of 41 years of life, a Marine, incredibly hot...so much fun, and you're gonna tell me no woman has spun you?  There are some really stupid women out there.  I wanted to spin him the second my eyes met his....I pretty much assume most women think the way I do (unless they're married, or gay), so the line must be extremely lengthy.

What a feeling that is.  It makes me feel incredibly irresistible and sexy. I love that he can make me feel that way. I love that I'm not thinking twice about the things I say or the things we talk about. I love whole spun feeling...however it is affecting my blogging.

I'm so sorry blog readers, I hope you'll forgive me, but I'm really having a lot of fun right now.  As so far...I got what I asked for. How lucky can I be?

Did He Just.....

Tell me he loved me?   You be the judge...here's the quote. "Forest said it best... 'Of course I love you Jenny...You're my girl!!!' Sub Jenny for Diz!"

I didn't catch it when I received it.  I was distracted by the Shower Guy...Yeah, I had my shower measured...AGAIN.  It didn't really dawn on me...even after he asked if I liked the quote, until I was driving to dinner with friends.  Yeah, I replay our conversations and texts in my head. I admit it. So the tape was rewinding and it suddenly hit me.  Wait a sec.... I think he just told me he loves me!!!

It's not the middle of the night, there's no alcohol involved, there's no birthday epiphany....really?  Dizzy is not really sure how to take it. The analytical side wants to tear this down and dissect it. But you know what?  Dizzy isn't letting the analytical side win tonight. Because this is not the lesson I've learned from him.  As difficult as it is for me, I'm not gonna analyze it anymore than I already have.  I'm just going to let this be. I'm going to soak in the moment and savor it and not worry about tomorrow or the next day.  For the here and now..DIZZY IS JENNY..Damn It!

You know, I've pretty much planned out as much as my life as possible. It doesn't work! It's exhausting.  This past year I've worked on not faking my smile.  I'm smiling because I'm happy or I'm not smiling at all!  And right now...

I'm smiling.

Communicating...Man Style!

There is no doubt that men have a different way of communicating than women do. I'm usually "Johnny-On-The-Spot" when it comes to communicating with men. However, I had to re-learn the lesson last week.  I blame this on not being in a relationship with a "Man's Man" in quite a while. Even my ex-boyfriend wasn't a "Man's Man" type, although he'd beg to differ and would do the proprietary man stuff that they do around their women.

Yes, Dizzy made the classic woman mistake of not just flat out telling her man what she wanted. She thought that he already knew by the texting, and the innuendos, the back and forth... In an age where we do a lot of our communicating via text and email...it just doesn't cut it. We miss the inflection in our voices and our message gets skewed.  That is exactly what happened and what I wanted to avoid.

We had done some texting back and forth and I made a suggestion that he call me that evening. He suggested Skype and I was down with that.  I didn't know that he hadn't used Skype yet (since he's relocated), that his WiFi and Comcast didn't work, and that he'd have to tackle this stuff himself (and he's not the techno geek that I am). So after all the back and forth...I get a text saying he's going to bed...WHAT???  What do you mean you're going to bed???  I wanna see your face, I thought we were Skyping??? What's up with this?  I got snippy and we ended the evening on an unpleasant note.

Ladies...what I should've done is just flat out tell him that I really didn't want to go to sleep that night without hearing the sound of his voice. I assumed that he understood that (especially after the Skype suggestion) but my assumption was dead-assed wrong. And that is where I really fucked up.  Yeah, he should've understood it also, but I have the feeling that the women he's been dealing with lately are difficult to understand anyway. They are demanding, intrusive and verbally abusive, so trying to understand what I'm trying to say is probably difficult for him.

Instead of texting "OMG, Fine...whatever"...I should've said "Baby, can I go to sleep to the sound of your voice?" That would've gone over so much better. Lesson learned.

So remember...no hinting around to your Man.  You want something...flat out tell him...."Baby, call me!"   "Baby, I really would like to spend time with you"  "Baby, go down on me"...well, you know what I mean. Just tell him and don't assume he knows what you want!

G'nite Peeps.

Weightless....

Sometimes it’s just difficult to put things into perspective. Opinions come flying at you from everywhere, and some you listen to because you respect the people giving them to you…and others, you let go, because of the whole “Opinions are like A-holes” concept.  The bottom line is that you weigh the information given to you and decide how you want to proceed.

Sometimes it isn’t a matter of weighing the information.  Sometimes, it’s just a gut instinct….a feeling that you need to follow, even though you know that things can end up badly and that you’ll be hurt. I know why I make those kinds of decisions. I’m afraid that if I don’t take the risk, that I’m not truly living and that I’ll look back with regret because I let an opportunity pass me by.

There are very few things that I regret in my life, which I think is quite the accomplishment given the lifespan I’ve had so far.  One of the things I regret is waiting so long to get out of a bad relationship and letting a few of those years slip through my fingers.  What was I thinking? I was so afraid of being alone, so afraid of starting over, that I didn’t realize that I had stopped living and was dormant.  There were times when I’d roll over in bed in a panic because I thought my husband was gone and then realize he was still there and breathe a sigh of relief.  What I didn’t realize was that the rolling over part was symbolic.  I knew that the marriage was going downhill and that I would be forced to face the inevitable outcome of it all.  I was just so freaking scared.

I tried to hide that fear (along with the stress of my family) with food, but anyone looking at me and at my weight knew there were issues.  It was only after tackling my immediate health concerns (weight, sleep apnea, high blood pressure) that I knew I’d be forced to tackle the marriage thing.  The other obvious reason to stay in the marriage was for my son.  I know, from the bottom of my heart, that I did right by him.  I did the necessary thing, so I don’t regret that part of it for a second. But I should’ve left when the boy entered Boot Camp…and I didn’t.

Now, at this point in my life, I’m leaping into the unknown. I’m doing things I’ve never done before, and taking chances that others are telling me I shouldn’t take, but my heart and my gut just say to do it.  My head says that if I don’t, I’ll regret it and I just don’t want to look back at the end of my life and do the whole “I wish I would’ve…” thing.  Even if it ends up hurting like hell, I wanna be able to say, “Yeah, it didn’t turn out like I wanted it, but OMG, the ride was so worth it, so much fun!”  Hell, I’ve fallen literally and picked myself up and said that it was still worth it, even though I skinned my knees or bled a little.   I don’t mind falling and I don’t mind getting a little bloody.  I don’t mind looking foolish (won’t say stupid) or a little crazy if I know the benefits are worth it.

That is what I’m wishing for you my friends. Take the risk, look a little foolish, have fun, be crazy.  Life is so short and we don’t realize it until we’re old(er) or we’ve suffered some serious losses. Keep one ear open for the sound advice of your friends, but when the chips are down, you make the ultimate decisions….not your BFFs. 

Privacy Infringement...

I know those of you who live in the State of California got the cell phone signal last week for the child abduction alert.  Most of you have never heard your cell phone make the frakking noise it did...I know mine never has.  It was loud, intrusive and after 10 p.m....when I'm sleeping!

I ended up shutting off my alert.  Why?  Because I'm alerted to these things in other ways, and I don't need my cell phone making those kinds of mind-jarring noises when I least expect it.  The Amber Alerts regarding this abduction were everywhere!!!

I ended up comparing notes with my co-worker, and on her Samsung it not only has that alert, but also a Presidential alert that she can't shut off!!! REALLY??? This kind of thing bothers me on so many levels...I'm stumped at where to begin.

#1.  Who the hell gave the phone company and Apple Corp the right to update my phone with an alert system that I didn't choose?  Ya know that saying "There's an App for that???"  Well, if I wanted a fucking Amber Alert App...I would've chose it. Thank God that Apple didn't put that frakking Presidential Alert on my phone...It would've driven me to jailbreak the effing thing and start over!!!

#2.  Not only did you update my phone with the Alert....you chose "ON" for me.  So I had no idea that the phone would make the noise it did and scared the living shit out of me.  Ya know...a nice little message that you put the thing on my phone, and I can choose to turn it on..would've been nice.  But No...you had to decide what was best for me and take away my freedom of choice.

#3.  Legislation was put into place, without the people deciding, that would infringe upon our freedom and take our choice away...and it keeps happening more and more.  No one wants to say anything and most liberal idiots say that it's to keep us safe.  Well, Benjamin Franklin said "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty or safety."  But trying to explain this quote to someone that wants to pad the world for safety is a futile effort and one I'm not willing to take on right now.  You either get it...or you don't.  Our Nation is turning into a mass majority that doesn't get it..and so our freedoms are eroding right before our eyes.

Anyway Peeps...I get so frustrated over the way this country is turning out.  People wanting things for free and not willing to work for it; People giving away their freedom willynilly; People not expecting answers from their Government when there are obvious crimes being committed...I worry what's going to be left for my boy or my niece.  Food for thought.

Another Award

Just found out I'm getting another award. It's a GTC award for IT.  I'm flattered and it's an honor, but...

I feel like such a fraud. My teams do the hard work...I just orchestrate and make sure we all get along. I don't have to do the heavy lifting like they do. Turns out I'll need to attend GTC next Wednesday to receive the award.  Didn't know a thing about it until today.

Honestly...it's like having to tell all the good things about yourself for a job interview. Yeah, I can sell myself when needed, but really?  Between this, and presenting at Oracle World in September, I feel like I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop. Something is going to happen where everyone is going to know that I'm a fraud and that I don't deserve the accolades and the kudos. What is it for?  I don't know.

I just hope that all of you will be by my side when it does drop. Will you?  I know I don't deserve you, but I sure need you.

Love Lost

It seems that I've been blogging a lot about love these days.  Yesterday was love lost X2.  I was honored to be invited to the baby shower of the niece (C) of the woman (S) that adopted my nephew (N).  It's an honor because I'm the biological aunt and not really a part of their family...although they treat me like one.

When I was invited, I was told I could invite my sister (the biological mother) and that it was my choice.  I opted not to...and if she finds out, I'll catch hell.  I made my choice because my sister always wants the world to revolve around her, and this was one occasion where the world needed to revolve around the Niece "C".  I couldn't risk it. I will never risk my relationship with this family on my sister.

The shower was beautiful and there was so many ladies there.  We didn't all know each other, so "S" had each one of us stand up and tell who we are and how we know "C".  When I got to my turn, I basically said "My name is Diz. I was honored to be invited and I'm friends with "S". I kept it very low key.  However, S was having none of that, so she said.  "Diz is my son's biological Aunt and an extremely close friend of mine. I'm so happy she's here."  I started to cry and had to keep dabbing my eyes.  N's grandma "K" asked me to sit next to her.  She used to run marathons with him before he died.

Please do not get me wrong...I AM NOT COMPLAINING...merely venting.  It's difficult to be in a room with the people who loved "N" because when they're looking at me, they see his facial features, his mannerisms, and I know they're seeing it. I know they love me for me, but I also know that when they see me, it's like bringing him back from the dead for a few precious moments.  I can never deprive them of that since they were so kind to love him as their own and take me in as their own also.  But it's extremely and emotionally difficult for me. I came away from that shower completely drained. I have to be "on" when I am with them because I'm representing the boy they loved and lost.  I will never do anything to disrespect the memory of my Nephew. I have always loved him beyond measure. I always will.

Then to top off an already taxing day...I get a text from the ex..."Love you :-)".  I didn't respond to the message, and I don't know if that was the right thing to do.  I should back up and say that I saw him the day before...Friday.  I was in Foresthill for a dental appointment, and I stopped by the house to pick up my mail.  He was seated in the living room and didn't get up. No worries.  I gave some sugar to Spunker Kitty, and collected the mail.  He asked if I could stay and visit, but I told him that the carpet people were coming and I had to be home to meet them (true).  He got up and gave me a hug and walked me out.  When we were outside, he could see what I was wearing, i.e. a short black skirt, cowboy boots, a black and brown tee...nothing too crazy.  But he said all of the conservatives at the bar would be turned on by the outfit.  I laughed and said it was time for me to go. One final hug and I was on my way.

Now the text.  Why does he torture himself and me with these texts and his feelings.  The bottom line is the man didn't love me enough!  He loves alcohol more!!!  Done, over, finito! I get it!  So I've moved on.  I'm not going back. I gave him 24 years of my life, and it didn't help or change anything. I gave up drinking for over 4 years...that didn't help him either. The bottom line is...I can't help him. I'm never going back! I'm a Virgo damn it!  Once you break it, it's over...irrevocably!  I get that he's a good man, with a good heart. He loves his son, my niece, with all of his heart.  But he didn't love me enough to keep me. His addiction got in the way. And I have resentment about that.

We'll always be friends, and I'll always love him...but I resent that alcohol means more to him than I do.  I resent that I finally had to throw in the towel on marriage, when it's supposed to be forever, because I couldn't live with the decisions the alcohol was affecting. I resent that I've had to be this strong bitch...this intimidating woman that scares men because I need the resolve to finish the journey that I've started. Fuck you for sending me this text!  What the fuck am I supposed to do with it?  Suddenly think to myself..."Gee, I've made a mistake and it's been you all along. Come get me stud?" You hurt me, and I'm never going back to you. No booty calls, no fantasy shit...NOTHING...NADA!!!  I'm done!  There's someone else.

And there's the crux of my dilemma.  When my cowboy was here, we talked about the ex, and he asked me if I told my ex about him. No, I haven't. But then, the relationship is still new...kinda. There's still things to experience and resolve. However, when the time comes, where I need to lay it on the line and tell the ex, I will do it. I won't have a problem with it. These are the consequences of the decisions you have made, so you have to live with them. Do I tell the ex now that I have someone in my life? Or do I wait until it's a sure thing? I can wait till the cows come home...it really doesn't matter to me.  I've moved on.  But what's better for the ex? Should I tell him now and hope that helps him to move on?  Or do I wait, because he's still thin-skinned and hoping for more?  I don't fucking know.  All I know is that once again..I'm the bad guy.

Dizzy is done my friends.  I had a lot to unload tonight.  Thanks for bearing with me.              

Yippie Ki Yay

The Cowboy came to town....Hello!!!! It was so wonderful to just be. We played music, we danced, we exchanged presents.  I got the better end of the deal though. He gave me his Globe and Anchor lapel pins from his uniform! I Love Them!  Unfortunately the posts are too thick to wear as earrings, so I'm gonna have to think of another way to wear them...or modify them. Haven't decided yet.

After an impromptu dinner of ribs, we jumped in the shower and then headed to bed. We watched awesome videos..among other things....But I knew I had to go to sleep since I didn't sleep the night before, and I had to be up by 3 to take my mother to the airport. I would just drift off to sleep when another good video would be on.  He ended it with the Officer and a Gentleman finale, where Richard Gere sweeps Debra Winger off her feet and into the sunset..."Baby..wake up...watch this..." and I did.

Morning comes too soon and I headed to my Mother's.  OMG, the entire home smells of strong cigarette smoke.  I got sick.  I had to take her stuff out to the truck and wait her out cuz I was coughing and my nose was closing up. On the way to the airport, my mother again tells me that she's been starving herself and no one cares.  I was frustrated with that comment because I've told her time and again, that I can't force her to eat. I don't know what to do about it.  So I told her, "Mom, I do care, but since there's nothing I can do to help you except have you committed, what would you like me to do?"  She didn't like that response too much, but I'm at my wits end with her. Looks like I'll be picking her up from the airport at midnight when she finally gets in.  Of course I work the next day....wonder how that's going to go over.  UGH!

I got home to a sleeping cowboy and slid into bed. Later that morning we realize that his destination is an 18 hour drive away and he has to leave.  I was NOT a happy camper.  I only get 14 hours of him and 2 of those hours went to my mother???  He promised to fly out next week and spend a long weekend with me, so I calmed down.

Now that he's gone, I'm left with my thoughts and they're mainly consumed by thoughts of him. I don't know where this is going, but I do know that he's going to Cabo with me and I'm very excited about that. There's just something about him.  I wish I could put my finger on it, but when I'm with him, I feel like I'm the best of myself that I can be.  I'm comfortable, I don't care about what he sees, I can just be me and he'll either take it or he won't. And I think he feels the same way. So we'll just have to see.

In the meantime, Dizzy hopes the Euphoria she feels doesn't wear off too soon...much like her favorite perfume.

Short and Sweet

I have a lot to do. The Cowboy rides in tomorrow evening. The funny thing is...I'm not nervous about it. I guess I should be freaking out or something, but other than making sure my home is presentable...I'm really excited and can't wait... but not nervous.

There's just something that feels so right about this. Even if it's only for the here and the now...even if there's no future. This man just makes me feel relaxed. We'll need to grocery shop, because I don't have a lot of stuff here. But I'm actually ok with that.

I'm rambling. Gonna end this blog.  Don't know when I'll blog again...I may be a little busy. Poor Dizzy!

What a Weekend!!!

Where shall we start???

FRIDAY
   
     Well I heard from the Cowboy and he's making a permanent move to Colorado. I'm happy for him but a little apprehensive. Can't really tell you the reasons why, but I so want everything to work out for him. It really doesn't matter if we end up together or not.  If you care about someone, you always want the best for them.

The Beanster came over and I BBQ'd ribs and we had "Make your own Baked Potatoes"...her favorite things.  She says that Auntie is the best cook.  How can that not make your evening?  I knew we needed to be up early so we got ready for bed early.  She asked about Amanda Bynes, so we rented "What a Girl Wants" so she could see this actress in a better light than the boozer currently is in. We headed off to sleep...but Peeps, I gotta tell ya, sleeping with my niece is SO much worse than sleeping with a man! She is all over me!  Her head is tucked in my neck, her legs thrown over mine, her arm wrapped around my torso...and that's if I'm lucky!  If I'm not, she's twisted in the bed and her feet are firmly planted in my ribs.

SATURDAY

     We got up early and I made breakfast.  We headed to Walgreens so Auntie could pick up sunblock and make sure her Beanster didn't get burned.  Off we headed to Six Flags!  We hit a couple of roller coasters first then headed to the picnic area where my union was having the lunch.  Free, all you can eat hotdogs, hamburgers, watermelon, salad, soda, ice cream....yeah, My Beanie Baby was very happy!  We let it settle and headed for more coasters.  I LOVE having a coaster partner that loves all the rides!  She is her Auntie all over, except she's better looking, and a blue eyed strawberry blonde. That girl is gonna rock the world one day.  With a little luck, I'll still be here to witness it.

The lines were kind of long, so she wanted to head out an hour earlier (8 p.m.), and promptly fell asleep after putting on Justin Timberlake on the iPod. She woke up just as I got off the freeway for home. We stopped and had some salad and pizza, came home, hit the shower and went to bed.

SUNDAY

     So hard getting up.  Extremely tired, so was Beanie. I made her breakfast and her Mom picked her up between 9 and 9:30.  I had a date with a couple of good BFFs for the wine, bread and cheese fest at Clarksburg.  Before I left, I received a text from the Cowboy, and that pretty much set the mood for the rest of the day.  We texted for an hour. Then us Girlies went and had some fun.

We hit up Elevation Ten, where my buddy Bill was serving.  He always gives me some extra TLC when I'm there.  No worries, he's older and married..but if he were a bit younger and not...well..  Just a great guy.  We tried all the wines and headed out for something to eat as we were getting a little fluffy headed.

We also hit up Todd Taylor...God, those wines are the bomb!  They also served cheese there, so I got 4 different kinds of stuffed Brie...2 for $5.  Can't pass that up.  I got some spices for the bbq (I must keep up my reigning title as BBQ Queen of the universe!) and a couple of other things...NO WINE!  I bought too much the last time I was there.

On the way home, I was texting back and forth with the Cowboy.  After I got home, I headed to Costco to pick up the things I needed for the Watermelon Margaritas I'll be providing for the Trashie day tomorrow. While there, the Cowboy totally threw me off my game. He put his last name with my first name and said that it sounded good.  HOLY SHIT!  I've never dared to doodle his last name with mine...scary and I didn't want to jinx anything. But for him to do it. This is a guy that's told me that he's never really lost himself in love. I accused him of smoking crack because I was just thrown...rude and mean..I know.

But he said that he truly believes it's real. I was effing stunned.  Actually worse than that. If you would've been a customer in Costco and wheeling your cart toward me, you would've thought I was having a psychotic episode or something.  I was fighting for air and I had tears in my eyes, I was so completely overwhelmed by the whole thing.

I'm scared, I'm skeptical and I'm finding it hard to believe that someone feels that way about me. I just need to freaking relax and just ride this and not sweat the details right now. Dizzy is scared...and I just got a call G'nite from him.

I'm going to bed!  G'nite Peeps!

Aging Carpet and Coasters...

Punctuation is everything...isn't it?

Well it seems God has already answered my prayer regarding a better month in the form of…The Starbucks Barista!  She’s a down girl and we always chit-chat about our love lives (or lack thereof) and stuff.  This morning I order my coffee and she’s knows it’s me.  When I get to the drive up window, she’s applied her employee discount to my order, so what would’ve been a $5.50 coffee (I ordered an extra shot) was now $3.80….SWEET!!!  She also works at the Macy’s Benefit counter in the evenings so I promised to stop by so we could catch up.  She’s really sweet and fun.  Not sure how I lucked out to make friends with this girl, but there’s around an 18 to 20 year age difference.

Speaking of age differences, I seem to be able to make friends with people of all ages…how lucky is that?  The retired/soon-to-be retired Trashies are at least 10 years older than I am (if not more)…we have no issues getting along. I hang with some ladies in their 30’s and we have no age gap issues.  I also have some in their 20’s…still no problem.  Why is that?  I was discussing dance moves with one of them and saying that I wouldn’t mind attending a hip-hop exercise session because that would help me refresh my dance moves cuz…”Hell No…Dizzy isn’t gonna be some geezer chick with extremely dusty moves on the dance floor”.  She started laughing and said “That could never be you!”  Wanna bet?  Gotta stay frosty Peeps.  I’m really blessed that I have the ability to cross age barriers (or maybe I’m delusional, it’s only in my mind…and they just tolerate me) and I like that it gives me a better perspective on things.  

Oddly enough, anyone meeting me always thinks I’m younger than I am and they’re usually about 10 years off. Call it genetics, or a predominantly drug-free lifestyle..actually both.  People always think my sister, whose 7 ½ years younger than I am, is the older sister. Even at my brother’s wedding, I kept meeting people who thought I was the younger sister…too funny.  I guess karma is a bitch.  My Sister is the narcissistic one who dreads growing older (She takes after my Mother)…I embrace my age and I’m more comfortable in my skin now, than I ever have been.  Ah well. I accept that I can’t stop aging and I just work on the things that I can…exercise, decent eating habits, you know what I mean…  No, I’m not giving up Tequila and Fireball…those are life’s little equalizers for me.

The quote for the carpet came back at $1,800 for 348 square feet (38.6 yards),including pad and installation.  That seems a little high to me, so I got another carpet company coming by tomorrow for a quote. I think I’ll see what they have to offer as far as an outdoor carpet for the patio too.  Maybe I can work out a deal.  Ah well.  This is the one thing I really despise about home renovation.  The price comparison and the fact that you have to “trust” the people coming into your environment, “trust” that they’ll provide you a service at a good cost and not take advantage of you.  It requires homework and comparison, phone calls, time, energy….I freaking hate it!!!  Some people get off on the art of the deal…I only get off on it when I’m bargaining in Mexico at one of the outdoor stands, other than that…it’ a pain in my arse.

I was not born with the girlie “shopping” gene people.  It’s only the past 4 years where I’ve been forced to actually put in time shopping. The only exception to the shopping rule is the MotherShip!  Yeah, you know what I’m talking about…The Apple Store. That store was made for me! Even before there was an Apple Store, I always hung out at the electronic store in the Apple Section…I could spend hours there, at home, perusing the software, the latest MAC peripherals, messing around on the computers…heavy sigh…  The only reason I don’t hang out there now is that I don’t want to spend any money that’s designated for the house….and I would if I could.

Until tomorrow Peeps…No promises that I’m blogging until Sunday.  The Beanster is coming over and we’re headed to 6 Flags on Saturday!  That’s right Haters….we’re talking Rollercoaster’s!  I finally have a partner that has the same love of the loop-d-loops, twists, turns and G-forces that I do!  It is so ON!