Adopted....

It's really difficult for adopted kids.  There are a million reasons why these kids are available for adoption, but when they become of age...and sometimes sooner, they want to know those reasons. As a parent, it's a minefield...a minefield of hurt, confusion, frustration...the list is endless.

My God Daughter "S" is going through this right now.  She's too young to understand that her adoptive parents had nothing to do with the situation...that they only wanted a child to love, and she was that gift. They've been forthright with information at age appropriate times.  She's a month and a half shy of 18 and her natural siblings sent her a plane ticket and filled her head with their side of the story...a story they couldn't possibly have the answers to, since they were children when it happened.  Now she's questioning everything. She thinks the things her parents have told her is a lie.

I've been there. And it was hard for me, because it is my sister that we're talking about. I adopted my sister's son. There are so many things I haven't told him because it serves no purpose. He's discovered his "Mother's" faults on his own (He calls me Mom, her Mother).  But there were the years that he calls "the years I hated you" that he made me suffer for the injustices he had to endure. And I get that.  You attack the people you love, because deep in your heart you know that they'll never leave you...they love you unconditionally and they'll take it and forgive you.  That doesn't make it any easier.  As kick ass and as strong as I am, there were nights I cried myself to sleep over the things he said that the hurts he's endured. I ate to cope with it all, not realizing that I was only hurting myself and that there were other ways to work through it.

I think we're at a good place now.  He's seen his Mother pull some crappy shit and lie to him, and he knows now that I did the best I could and that I always have his best interests at heart. But sweet "S" still has this tough road to walk.  She may not like the answers she finds out. Actually, I can bet money that she definitely won't like the answers she finds out. But the choice is hers.  She has to decide whether or not to pursue it.

She also has to understand that the past is the past.  She can't change it, and no one can.  Her parents were there for her and are there for her and that won't change.  She can pursue the answers now...or she can wait. They will wait for her.

People often ask me why I never found my biological father.  The answer is that what I don't know can't necessarily hurt me.  I could find him if I wanted to, but am I gonna like what I find? Is that going to change my life, make me a better person? Or will it fill me with poison and dread? The truth is...I can live without knowing and be perfectly happy without him in my life.  If I can do that, then I don't really need to find him...do I?  I choose NOT to know. I can live with the consequences of that decision.

This weekend, I'm going to have lunch with my God Daughter and explain some of these things and give her a different perspective.  What she does with it is up to her. But no matter what she does...she has family that loves her intently...and a God Mother that would do anything for her.  In this life...you could have a lot less....