SPANKED!!!

Yesterday, I posed on FB that my heart was light and that I was happy.  Everyone kept asking why, and yes, it does have to do with a certain Cowboy...but not for the reasons you think.

I got verbally spanked yesterday...yeah, up one side and down the other. I was chastised for my biggest faults, and I'm well aware of them. But to hear it said from "your guy" is a whole nuther ballgame.

I have a tendency to live in the future.  I'm always expecting something to fail, crash...whatever, so I'm constantly making plans on how to either circumvent the crash, or how to survive it. This habit has served me well over the years. As my cousin says, she's seen me have to be the responsible person as a child, watching over my brother, then my sister...and into adulthood. It didn't stop because then I was taking care of my adult brother and sister and my mother. And to some extent, I still do.  Plus, you add my niece and my kid into the mixture, and well...you get it. And then the last straw, the husband...divorce and trying to plan for this new future, well...I'm trying to play ahead of the game, like I always do.

With the Cowboy in my life, it takes on a whole different dimension. I'm already planning for the relationship to fail, and how I'll handle it.  I also try and be as tough as possible so I won't be played.  And I got spanked yesterday. The Cowboy said that I need to knock this crap off and just be me. He also said that he's never met anyone that lives as much in the future as I do, and that I'm already looking at a future where this relationship fails, and it frustrates him. And he's right.

He taught me to live in the moment, and I'm throwing those lessons out the window and trying to plan for a future that hasn't happened.  He's with me now. I need to just enjoy that for the moment that it is. Tomorrow is tomorrow, but today is the here and the now. I'm having a very hard time letting go of my past and just being and enjoying the day. But if I don't learn to do it, I could lose this man.  And I just don't want to let go of him.  He gives me a feeling that I can't describe, that I've never known and in my heart, I know I'll never know again. This is a man that can kick my ass, in a good way. A straight shooter and no bullshit. He won't pull his punches just because I'm his girl, and I like that.

I get that I've been dealt some shitty cards in the past. I don't know what I did to piss off God in a former life, but I've been paying for it ever since I was a kid. But I also know that there's other people out there that have had it worse and currently have it worse.  This man makes me believe that I could have a different life. He's forcing me to dare to believe that if I can just let go of the past, that there's something bigger and better out there just waiting for me.

So I took my spanking (Thank you Sir...may I have another?), and I'll keep the lesson in my head.  Not everything has to be planned ahead of time. And stop looking for heartbreak that hasn't happened yet!