Love Lost

It seems that I've been blogging a lot about love these days.  Yesterday was love lost X2.  I was honored to be invited to the baby shower of the niece (C) of the woman (S) that adopted my nephew (N).  It's an honor because I'm the biological aunt and not really a part of their family...although they treat me like one.

When I was invited, I was told I could invite my sister (the biological mother) and that it was my choice.  I opted not to...and if she finds out, I'll catch hell.  I made my choice because my sister always wants the world to revolve around her, and this was one occasion where the world needed to revolve around the Niece "C".  I couldn't risk it. I will never risk my relationship with this family on my sister.

The shower was beautiful and there was so many ladies there.  We didn't all know each other, so "S" had each one of us stand up and tell who we are and how we know "C".  When I got to my turn, I basically said "My name is Diz. I was honored to be invited and I'm friends with "S". I kept it very low key.  However, S was having none of that, so she said.  "Diz is my son's biological Aunt and an extremely close friend of mine. I'm so happy she's here."  I started to cry and had to keep dabbing my eyes.  N's grandma "K" asked me to sit next to her.  She used to run marathons with him before he died.

Please do not get me wrong...I AM NOT COMPLAINING...merely venting.  It's difficult to be in a room with the people who loved "N" because when they're looking at me, they see his facial features, his mannerisms, and I know they're seeing it. I know they love me for me, but I also know that when they see me, it's like bringing him back from the dead for a few precious moments.  I can never deprive them of that since they were so kind to love him as their own and take me in as their own also.  But it's extremely and emotionally difficult for me. I came away from that shower completely drained. I have to be "on" when I am with them because I'm representing the boy they loved and lost.  I will never do anything to disrespect the memory of my Nephew. I have always loved him beyond measure. I always will.

Then to top off an already taxing day...I get a text from the ex..."Love you :-)".  I didn't respond to the message, and I don't know if that was the right thing to do.  I should back up and say that I saw him the day before...Friday.  I was in Foresthill for a dental appointment, and I stopped by the house to pick up my mail.  He was seated in the living room and didn't get up. No worries.  I gave some sugar to Spunker Kitty, and collected the mail.  He asked if I could stay and visit, but I told him that the carpet people were coming and I had to be home to meet them (true).  He got up and gave me a hug and walked me out.  When we were outside, he could see what I was wearing, i.e. a short black skirt, cowboy boots, a black and brown tee...nothing too crazy.  But he said all of the conservatives at the bar would be turned on by the outfit.  I laughed and said it was time for me to go. One final hug and I was on my way.

Now the text.  Why does he torture himself and me with these texts and his feelings.  The bottom line is the man didn't love me enough!  He loves alcohol more!!!  Done, over, finito! I get it!  So I've moved on.  I'm not going back. I gave him 24 years of my life, and it didn't help or change anything. I gave up drinking for over 4 years...that didn't help him either. The bottom line is...I can't help him. I'm never going back! I'm a Virgo damn it!  Once you break it, it's over...irrevocably!  I get that he's a good man, with a good heart. He loves his son, my niece, with all of his heart.  But he didn't love me enough to keep me. His addiction got in the way. And I have resentment about that.

We'll always be friends, and I'll always love him...but I resent that alcohol means more to him than I do.  I resent that I finally had to throw in the towel on marriage, when it's supposed to be forever, because I couldn't live with the decisions the alcohol was affecting. I resent that I've had to be this strong bitch...this intimidating woman that scares men because I need the resolve to finish the journey that I've started. Fuck you for sending me this text!  What the fuck am I supposed to do with it?  Suddenly think to myself..."Gee, I've made a mistake and it's been you all along. Come get me stud?" You hurt me, and I'm never going back to you. No booty calls, no fantasy shit...NOTHING...NADA!!!  I'm done!  There's someone else.

And there's the crux of my dilemma.  When my cowboy was here, we talked about the ex, and he asked me if I told my ex about him. No, I haven't. But then, the relationship is still new...kinda. There's still things to experience and resolve. However, when the time comes, where I need to lay it on the line and tell the ex, I will do it. I won't have a problem with it. These are the consequences of the decisions you have made, so you have to live with them. Do I tell the ex now that I have someone in my life? Or do I wait until it's a sure thing? I can wait till the cows come home...it really doesn't matter to me.  I've moved on.  But what's better for the ex? Should I tell him now and hope that helps him to move on?  Or do I wait, because he's still thin-skinned and hoping for more?  I don't fucking know.  All I know is that once again..I'm the bad guy.

Dizzy is done my friends.  I had a lot to unload tonight.  Thanks for bearing with me.