Apple Hill

I tell my Beanie I have a surprise for her. We get up and I make her breakfast and we get ready to go. We fill up the truck with gas, and I go to check the air in my tires…no pressure gauge (note to self…buy one!).  Off we go for an hour drive to Camino.  Yep!  Apple Hill!  Beanie has never been there, so I knew we’d have some fun.

She wanted to go on a hay ride, so we jump into the long bed trailer full of hay bales and cop a squat. The ride took us up the surrounding hillside with some beautiful vineyards and autumn colors in full force.  The air was crisp and sweet smelling and I couldn’t ask for a better moment than seeing her big smile and twinkling eyes. 

Of course we had to visit the chocolate shop and make a purchase.  We also bought some fresh apple cider and a caramel/nut covered apple.  I looked high and low for my replacement candle “Keepers of the Light – Mulled Spice Wine” scent, but oh no…they discontinued the line. My niece asked me why that one, and I replied “It smells just like Christmas Baby”. When we got home, she asked to smell the candle I was looking for.  One whiff and she says "You're right Auntie...It smells just like Christmas!"

I drove her into the town of Camino, and being no stranger to the area, took her to lunch at the Forrester. We had a great time chatting and eating buffalo wings, fries and calamari.  I love the times we just sit and talk about anything.  This time the conversation centered around college and the Marine Corps. She wants to ditch college and just join and I want her to go to college and then enter the Corps as an officer. She’s young, so there’s plenty of time to convince her. I just love how her mind works and how smart she is.  Her wheels are always turning and the means by which she comes to her conclusions are just fascinating.

We drive home and have a Harry Potter night.  She loves Daniel Radcliffe and wanted to watch the “Deathly Hallows 1 & 2”, so I popped the obligatory corn, we got out our snacks, donned our jammies and favorite blankies and curled up on the chaise together.   Again…The end of another fabulous day!

The Arrival of Beanster

So my sister was supposed to drop off my niece early in the morning. I’m up, showered, hair done (cuz I figured it wouldn’t get done for at least a couple of days)…I am ready for the Beanster.  When she says early…I’m figuring she’ll be at my house between  7 and 8 a.m.  11, 12, 1 p.m.  still no sister.  I get a call from my mother saying she’s still in her jammies, but she’s getting dressed to bring my niece over.  Seems she’s had my niece since Tuesday. Hmmm….. When was my sister going to call and tell me that my mother would be dropping her off? As usual…the world revolves around her.

I tell my mom not to bother. I’ll come get her. So I go over and we had a nice visit. Beanster gets in the Beast and away we go!  First we grocery shop and I get a fresh 24 lb turkey for half off (That’ll feed Diz for awhile).  While we’re shopping, my niece asks me about my boyfriend. I tell her he’s fine. She asks if we’re going to get married again. I said that we’re dating and seeing how that works. She asks why he lives so far away.  I tell her that he’s taking care of business and working. She asks if he’ll ever live in California and I said…”Maybe.  How would you feel if he came to live here?” She replies that she’d be ok with it….pauses…then asks where he’s going to live.  I replied “what if he lived with me?”.   She looks at me and says “That ain’t happening! I’m not sharing!” I start giggling and I replied “You shared me with Uncle…why is J different?” She says that he just is and that I would spend all my time with him and not her. I asked her “Did I spend all my time with Uncle and not you?” She said “no”.  So I asked why J would be different.  She said “I don’t know”.

So I explained to her that there are some women who dump their families and friends just because they have a boyfriend…expecting their family and friends to wait around for their time.  Other women, know the value of their families and friends and don’t dump them…but make sure to spend quality time no matter what.  And if their boyfriends have a problem with that, they get rid of the boyfriends because the boyfriend isn’t smart enough to know how valuable family and friends are.  I assured her that I’m one of the smart women, who loves and cherishes the time I spend with my Beanie, and that will never change.  No man will come between us.  “Do you know what I mean?” She looked at me and said “Yes, then I’m ok with that”. Problem averted…for now.

Then we head home. We have leftovers for dinner and I pop some popcorn (Beanie loves my popcorn with the truffle salt) and we rent a movie.  All in all…a good day.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was fun. S and I divided up the dinner and Work J (WJ) came over. We all drank what S calls “Mommie Juice”, which is my concoction of Dragonfruit Mango juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, whipped cream vodka and cointreau.   I swear, you don’t taste any alcohol and it tastes like candy going down.  After a couple of those, we broke out dinner!

I made gravy with the drippings and beer…yum and we went for it!  It was such a nice evening that we sat out on the patio and just conversed…between the grunts as we rooted around in our plates.  Oh Yeah Baby…We’re goin’ Down!  WJ brought a couple of bottles of wine, but we never got to it, so he left it for me (lucky Dizzy!).  After about 3 hours, WJ left and S and I rented Star Trek – Into Darkness and watched our movie.  It was a good evening.

My only issue was with WJ. Yeah, I get he’s going through a divorce and everything, but this guy needs to suck it up and grow a pair.  He kept thanking me over and over, and I finally had to be blunt and tell him…”enough with the thank you’s already!”  Of course, he started up the next day, and over the weekend.  Really?  I had to tell him again “Hey WJ, enough with the thank yous…you left me two bottles of wine. We’re totally cool”.

And he’s constantly apologizing. He apologizes after he vents about the wife, after venting about work, after venting about his application for state employment.  Really???  Everyone needs a friend to vent with WJ, but enough with the “I’m sorry’s”.  Ah well.  I know this is a bad time for him, so I guess we’ll have to leave it at that.

The Jury Has Reached a Verdict

I was on Jury Duty.  It ended today.  It was one of those child molestation cases between a Grandfather and his granddaughters.  UGH!!!

Fortunately, the evidence supported a guilty verdict, so justice was served. But the feeling it left me with will last a lifetime. While I've always wanted to do my civic duty, this wasn't how I saw it going down.

My heart is heavy for the victims of this case. I can only hope that they have a happy thanksgiving knowing that they have been heard, acknowledged and the evidence supported their testimony.
But scars like theirs will take awhile to heal.  The scars of this case will stay with me.

Confusing??? Me????

I seem to be confusing my guy a lot. I'm not generally the confusing type...at least I don't think so, but I'm well aware how us women can be.  High maintenance women don't necessarily think of themselves that way. Right?

I think our confusion first started when I was in Cabo.  Our conversations were so confusing...on both of our parts.  He was literally scratching his head every day wondering what the hell I was saying.  And I couldn't make out the Greek he was speaking.  I attribute this to many things.  We both were not getting the vacation we envisioned, he had suffered a couple of major personal blows, and I'm well aware that my friend Tequila wasn't far from me (never is when I'm in Mexico) during many of our texts.

After I got back, I think some of the confusion was cleared up, but it took us a good 2 weeks to get back to our usual sync. However, since we both recognized the need to hear each other's voice, we stepped up our voice calls and that has helped immensely!

Now some of our conversations happen when I'm at work (he serenades me), and since I'm in mixed company, some of the things I say has to be finished when I get home.  I know that this confuses him, because he's getting half a conversation.  I'll tell him that I'm not in a position to finish the conversation, but that confuses him some more.  Part of the problem is that a lot of the time, my co-workers are not around, so I can dive into some of our conversations.  Other times, they'll be there and I can't go into depth.

I confused him again today because I need to ask a "man" question, but I couldn't tell him why.  I can't tell you either, so...  But who else am I gonna ask the man question...my brother? Well, I could ask him and he'd be ok with that. After all, we're only 14 months apart, so we're tight like that. But to call up out of the blue.  I didn't think about calling R...he would've answered the question. But I trust my guy, so I asked. But since it's such an unusual question, he was thrown for a loop.

He says "I'm off the wall" and I said that "At least you're not bored". His reply was that "he's confused a lot though".  Again, not my intention to confuse him. Is that the nature of the man/woman relationship? Is there always an element of confusion?

I was going to write that when we met there was no confusion, but thinking about it, I'd have to say there was...again, on my part.  The first night we were together, we did not have sex. I wanted to see if he'd respect my wishes and wanted to find out the measure of the man I was with.  I know I confused the crap out of him with that move, but he took it in stride.

I know I confused him again when I said I wasn't taking his contact information with me and that if he was interested he could contact me, if it was just a booty call, don't bother. That had to be a major confusing issue.  I mean, what girl would actually do that?  We always try to stack the deck in our favor.

Now that I really think about it...I must be one huge element of confusion for this man. After all, I don't react the usual way most women would. I don't necessarily discuss the issues most women would, I tackle jobs and projects most women wouldn't touch. I was talking to him about taking apart my tub and putting in the new control panel and he asked why I wouldn't just wait for him to do it.  Well, why would I? It needs to be done.  He asked if I had experience with that stuff and I don't. But then again, I didn't have any experience in home renovation, and look at me now!

Yeah, damn it!!!  He's right!!! Shhh...don't tell him I said that!  I am confusing. Seeing it through someone else's eyes makes it quite obvious.  Well...at least I'm not high maintenance!!!

Drama

Does the drama never stop?

Drama #1 - So my sister asked if the Beanster could come and stay Friday to Sunday on Thanksgiving Weekend and I jumped at the chance.  Today, she asks if Beanie could come on Thanksgiving. When I inform her that I already made plans for Thanksgiving, she replied "I thought you were coming here?" and I replied "You didn't invite me". She said she did on the Beanster's birthday.  I confirmed with my guy that she didn't, but that's beside the point.

I already learned an important lesson on introducing strangers to my Niece.  I'm thinking twice on who I introduce her to in the future.  Since S and I are opening my home to anyone with no Thanksgiving plans, I don't think it's the right atmosphere to have her in. Why does my sister do this crap at the last minute?

Drama #2 - The Ex-Husband called on Friday and asked for a favor.  Seems he needs to do some stuff online and since he's Internet illiterate and trusts my security for my computers, he's asked if he can come over and have me help him file this paperwork online.  I said I would and we agreed on Sunday afternoon. However, since I didn't hear from him, I went grocery shopping, etc.

He calls at 4:15 p.m. and tries to make arrangements for Monday or Tuesday, but I'm in jury duty and I have plans for Monday night. So he'd still be coming over around 5:30 or 6 p.m. no matter what.  I'm frustrated because I had hoped to complete this crap earlier.  He apologized, but I had throw in that since we are talking about him...it's to be expected.  He is the worlds worst procrastinator!!  He is late to every significant occasion in his life. The ONLY reason he wasn't late to our wedding is because we stayed the night before at the venue.  Otherwise, he'd have been late for sure.

I do try to avoid drama, but come on people...it's Sunday for Christ's sake!!!

I'm in the process of making a cajun brine for the turkey. It's my first brine, so I'm trying to make sure it's good.  Lots of salt and spices, garlic, cayenne pepper and paprika.  We'll see how it turns out.

What a Night....

This seems to be my night for Marines! I've heard from three tonight. One of them was clearly angling for an invitation to mi Casa.  Had to shut him down.

Remember the work Marine going through the divorce? Well, it seems she moved out today and the house was too quiet tonight.  He wanted a shoulder to cry on.  I don't mind being his friend, but I know he wants more, and I'm not the girl.  Somewhere in the conversation I said "It sounds like a night for tequila".  He said "Yes it does...I keep my tequila at your house." WHAT???  I asked "Don't you have tequila at your house? He replied No. Can I come over?

I said "It's 8:45, I think it's a little late for that". He said, Oh yeah, I guess...for a Friday night....  I'm not a dumb bunny, I know what you're implying and there's no way someone as vulnerable as you is coming over, and drinking tequila!!  This would turn into something extremely ugly and friendships could be lost.

I can be pretty blunt, but I know that he's in a bad place right now, so being rude would be devastating to him. That is not my intention, but I also feel like it's pretty presumptuous because I don't know where his head is.

I seem to be leaving myself open these days, and I really just need to shut the door.  I need to be a bit more vocal and just tell people how I feel...tactfully.  It's funny because a friend told me that this afternoon.  She said, "I know you to be to the point so why didn't you just tell #### how you felt?" And she's right.  I've been holding back and I need to be honest and tell people how I feel.  I mean, they've told me, right?

I'm suddenly tired and I think I've had enough for the day. G'nite peeps.

Lethargic

Yeah, I’m supposed to be training for Tough Mudder, but it seems this week I’m lethargic.  Not sure if it has to do with Jury Duty, the change in the weather, or what. I’m also craving carbs like a mofo. That’s not good either. Generally, I’m a protein eater with fruits and veggies and extremely light on the carbs. 

I think visiting Todd Taylor and eating the pasta got me started last weekend, because now, all I want to eat is pasta.  Ok, pasta and soup.  I am a soup eater in the evenings, because it’s light on my stomach and I sleep better. I tasted some excellent Porcini Mushroom soup downtown this week, and it was the bomb! I’ll have to have some more next week. That also got me into the “comfort food” mode.

Don’t worry folks.  This is where my internal struggle comes in every year for the past 5 years…right before Thanksgiving.  This is there my mind and my body struggle for dominance and it’s a “May the best man win” moment.  And yeah, my mind generally wins.  My body gets its way for about a week or two, but then the terror comes in and helps my mind win out.  Ah…what is the terror you ask?

That I’ll gain back the 120 lbs I’ve lost and be that unhappy, afraid person that I was. Not gonna happen.  So while I may enjoy the extra 5 to 10 lbs this little episode has cost me…my mind will fight back and it’ll be gone before the end of the year.  I am not going back.  I am however, reasonable when it comes to weight fluctuation.  I know many people get twitterpaited over 3 to 5 lbs of weight gain.  I give myself 10 lbs….no more. Then the survival instinct kicks in and I go all out to recover the equilibrium.  Why 10 lbs? Well, I know 3 to 5 of those pounds can be water. If I have too much salt, I’ll retain the water, etc.  Once I get into the 5-10 lbs, I know it’s generally fat.  I just don’t want to be so obsessed with 3 to 5 lbs of weight gain.  I don’t want to live my life by the scale.

This is also why I don’t weigh myself every day.  Only once a week at the same time and naked. No more.  I don’t need to see the day to day change in my weight.  It’ll only lead to doubts and questions. 

On a different note:  I was serenaded by my guy again today.  This time my friend “K” got to hear.  OMG, what a freaking hoot! He always makes up different lyrics and today was no different. When he asked if K had a special guy, I told him that K was married…and he breaks out into the “Lovin You” song…his favorite part being the “dootin do do do”.  We were both snorting with laughter over that one.

Common Sense Phone Ettiquette

So my brother's half sister T posted on FaceBook that she was talking to a friend on her cell phone in the Sauna at her gym. A woman came into the sauna and rudely demanded that she end her conversation as it's rude to the other users of the sauna.

Because she demanded instead of asked, T told her no and that there's no signs prohibiting her from cell phone usage.  Needless to say, a fight almost ensued.  

What's so interesting about this is that at no time did T think she was being rude.  BDDS...(Break Down Dizzy Style):

Since when does a fucking sign need to be posted outside a gym sauna saying "No Phones"? Really?  One would think common sense would kick in here and say...

A.  Everyone can hear my conversation, and

B.  Everyone may not want to hear my conversation.

Places where I'd think twice about talking on my cell would be... Sauna's, locker rooms, bathroom stalls, restaurants and movie theaters. I know there are more areas, but why do you need a sign to tell you these things??? REALLY???

What makes your fucking call so important that I have to listen to it?  Oh yeah, I forgot...the world revolves around YOU!

Musings

So today was the final jury selection, and it seems that I made the final cut...my first jury.  I made a friend that got eliminated so I'm kinda sorry about that.  He made the whole process interesting and funny and filled in the blanks that I wasn't sure about.  A really good guy.

I also have to remember to bring proof of the jury duty in to work.  I'm one of the lucky few that gets a full paycheck for jury duty..as long as I forfeit the $15 per day the court pays.  I couldn't have asked for better timing since I've wrapped up the last project, completed the two presentation and am getting ready to start the next project. Hopefully it'll wrap up by Thanksgiving and away we go.

I also talked to Wells Fargo, and they're sending me the proof I need to argue the Notice of Proposed Assessment I received from the IRS for 2011.  Should receive it in a week to 10 days. It's important for me to get this cleared up because it's also a condition of my employment.  What a pain!  God knows what else I'm gonna end up spending in taxes for the 2013 year.

My guy and I seem to be on track again. It was a little bumpy, but we learned some key elements about each other, and that's good.  He learned that I have a temper and it's best not to fuck with it. I learned that his temper equals mine..and it's best not to fuck with it. I learned that arguing via text sucks and promised to never do it again. We both learned the value of hearing each other's voice, so we talk at least once a day, if not more.  We're both building up anticipation for next month, and we have plans! I just want to see my guy for Christmas, and with a little luck...it'll happen.  If it doesn't there's two good reasons for it...and I'm ok with that.

I think we both know what our shortcomings are and we're comfortable with what we know and we're dealing with it.  He's very blunt about things and he's pretty black and white. In the meantime, I'm laughing and having a good time.

Now, if I could only get my training for Tough Mudder to the next level...I'd be a happy camper. I really need to kick this into gear. Not doing so hot on my pushups and pull-ups and I really need that for the barriers and walls.

Ok....gonna wrap up the evening and head to bed. Got a big day tomorrow and I really need to concentrate! G'nite peeps!

Jury Duty

So I went downtown and reported for Jury Duty.  I have never been this far.  Usually, I just call and my number gets excused. This is the first time I've actually gone in and been questioned for an actual jury.

Can't say what its about or anything, but its amazing the questions they ask you. Never realized how in-depth they go and the general things they cover. Also didn't realize all the different people that show up. If you're a people watcher, this is the place to view.  We come from all walks of life to do our civic duty and converge upon the courthouse. Brown panel walls, sheriff deputies, lawyers, a court reporter and a judge.

Although it's not CSI or any of those shows, there's still a decorum that's upheld and everyone is silent when they're seated. I'm looking forward to the rest of the process.

I hear lunch is a couple of hours long, so I'll be bringing my shoes so I can exercise.  I gotta get ready for next month and for Tough Mudder, and it waits for no jury.

When You Can't Do Anything

I don't know about  you, but I hate the feeling of being helpless when someone needs you.  Have you been there? Someone is hurting.  They've lost someone they love. And you can't get to them, can't hold them, can't soothe their soul.

I get that I'm not always going to be there, and I can't expect to be, but that doesn't mean that I don't hurt with that person, or feel somewhat inadequate.  Ah well.

Today was a busy day.  I spent 6 hours raking the property and trashing leaves.  UGH!  The day was beautiful, the sun shining, the temp on the cool side, so it wasn't so bad working hard because I didn't overheat.  There's something about the fall, the cool air, the beautiful trees.  I love it.

Wasn't too happy over the 49er loss, and the Seahawks win.  I cracked open some wine for a snack and received a call from the Ex (husband). He was wondering about the storms back east and if my brother was affected. Seems he's up in Tahoe for another evening.  He mentioned how much he loves and misses me and said something about talking with a friend of his about how to treat women, and that he was sorry if he neglected me. It was quite the conversation. I don't want him to feel bad or be sorry.  I just want him to get healthy. It is what it is.

My life is changing every day. I'm not the same person I was when I married him, and I'm not the same person I was when I divorced him. Perhaps things were just meant to be.

Got jury duty tomorrow.  Although I just had a shower, I'm gonna get in the tub and soak off the aches of the day.  G'nite peeps.

Saturday with Todd & T

Today was wine pickup day and I asked my BFF T to go with me.  We had so much fun together.  She had vowed not to buy wine (as did I), but we did end up buying some Chard and some fresh pasta.

We headed to Clarksburg to the Old Sugar Mill. If you've never been, the Mill houses about 10 different wineries in one huge building.  We started with DuVigne and had some crisp chard with a slight oak finish.  That's the wine we ended up buying. With a half case being 50% off, we really couldn't pass it up, so we shared.  Their late harvest Chardonnay (a sweet dessert wine) was really excellent, so T bought a bottle of that. Plus some really good cheese spreads.

Afterward, we headed to Todd Taylor and ate some really great ravioli with a meat sauce..yum!  Pasta really is my downfall. I just love it, but OMG, it's the one thing that always packs on the pounds for me.  I have to be careful, especially with the Tough Mudder training.  We sipped some Todd wines and then headed over to Elevation 10.

I picked up my wine shipment there and had fun chatting with one of my favorite wine guys.  He's in his 60's and married, but he is so much fun. I'm always a sucker for a man that can make me laugh.  He remembered that I was with a Marine and asked how he was.  How sweet!  After collecting the wine and picking up the other shipment from Todd, we headed out and stopped at T's crib to drop off her stuff and pick up some other things.

We dropped by her friends house (the ones I went to the Russian River area with) and chatted for awhile.  They are a really cool couple and I enjoyed the visit. We headed home and I was good to go.

Tonight is another evening at home.  Some people find it hard to believe that I'm not out every evening or at least every weekend evening.  My social life comes and goes in spurts. Because I have my love interest out of town, it's not like I'm actively looking for some guy to spend time with or anything. My buddies like to have fun, but they also have their own lives and they're married. So they're not going out every nite either.

I actually don't mind being at home. I like it.  I've pretty much completed the renovations (on the inside at least) and it feels comfortable. It feels like it's finally mine and I truly am HOME.  I do miss my JazzyKat and there are times I wish my kitty was around to cuddle with.  She was alway in sync with me, knew my moods and was just there.  I'll admit that sometimes the home is a tad to quiet without my kitty, but....

All and all...it's a pretty good Saturday.

Where Are You?

Today, I got the gray taken from my hair from my hair guru! We always have a hell of a singsong when we're together and chat about our vacations, our men, our friends.  Just a great time.

Afterward, I headed over to my Girlie "D's" house and we chatted for about 4 hours. It was a great time.  I received a text from my guy with a bunch of question marks. I let him know that I was there, and he made a comment about texting 5 hours ago and that I hadn't answered back.

1.  I didn't realize he was keeping tabs on how long it took me to answer back, and
2.  I worry about over-texting.

Yes, we talk on the phone just about every day, and we text every day. But I don't want to be one of those chicks that are texting their guy every second of the day. I do not want to ever be one of those clingy chicks that can't let their guy take a leak without holding his dick for him.

Don't get me wrong...if I had a choice, I'd love to be texting and talking (and doing other things with him) all day long..sometimes.  But I do have an independent streak that doesn't want to be hemmed in by someone demanding my attention every second of the day.  That's what I do love about this man.  He knows I'm part guy, and I have an independent streak and he's ok with it. Yeah, sometimes he busts my chops about it..and I do the same to him...but, I do believe that he enjoys the fact that he doesn't have to babysit me every second of the day.  And I'm not constantly texting or calling and asking him what he's doing and who he's with.

For me, it comes with age and maturity (although I've always been somewhat like that, and had my share of breakups over the fact that I didn't "care" enough because I was independent). And for him, I think he's young enough to consider it a breath of fresh air that some woman isn't hounding him every second of the day. I recognize that he's where he is for a reason and he has work to do.

Yeah, I could obsess over the fact that we're miles apart and maybe there's a half a dozen women he could be doing and maybe he's living with some chick and stringing me along.  However, I don't. I'm confident that I'm the one, and the moment that I'm not the one, he'll tell me...before he screws the half dozen chicks that are waiting in the wings.

It goes both ways people. He could be obsessing over the same thing.  I know that I'm still somewhat attractive because some guy in his truck this morning not only was mooning over me...but kept his truck keeping pace with mine so he could smile and wave.  Ok Big Boy...you get a million-watt smile and a wave goodbye...but that's it! It all boils down to trust.

But you know what?  I felt so good that he was keeping track and wondering where I was.  That tells me all I need to know!

Don't Tread On Me!!!

So at work, we have an annual Security review that we have to read and agree to.  Last year, they quoted the Penal Code about guns and I went to my management and informed them that under the penal code they quoted, I’m still allowed to carry my weapon due to my CCW.

Guess what?  They’ve now changed the rules and have stated that I’m not allowed to carry a weapon on the premises, including the parking lot, even if it’s secured under the rules of the Penal code statutes. And that this is a condition of employment. 

Naturally, I’m not agreeing with this, and am looking into legal representation and possibly contacting the NRA legal department to see what my recourse is.  My argument is that if I abide by these rules, then I should be able to hold the Department liable if anything happens to me on the way to work and on my way home from work if it could’ve been prevented by use of my gun.  Because they don’t allow me to transport it, they are taking away my right to defend myself.  I just don’t agree to that.

I am sick to death of my Government deciding everything for me and taking away my rights…one by one and me not being able to do anything about it.  Now I’m in a position to stop my Department from changing the rules and eliminating my right to defend myself and I need to make a stand.  This goes much deeper than the gun… This is my freedom, my earned right. I just can't take any more!!!

Pushing and Shifting

How is it that certain people really know how to push your buttons?  OMG, it’s like they just know the right thing to say and how to say it, and you just want to fly off the handle…until you realize that you’re being played.

This button pushing is more obvious with men than with women.  Men seem to delight in the whole pushing effort.  They plan, they deliver the play and they sit back and wait for the reaction, and usually, we (women) do not disappoint them. We get all huffy, we start spouting off at the mouth, and we search for an equally pithy comeback so we don’t look like we’ve been totally suckered into the whole thing.

Women tend to be a bit shifty and underhanded when it comes to button pushing. We play the whole scenario out in our minds…If I do this, he’ll do this, that or that.  And if he does those, this is how I’ll respond to each of those reactions…  We usually push buttons if we want a certain thing to go our way, or they’ve pissed us off so badly, we want revenge.  Usually, our sneaky play-by-play works. Every once in a while, we get caught in the act.

I usually refrain from button pushing because I’d much rather be an open book.  This coming from a woman that’s managed to keep most of her business “close to the vest” for most of her life.  But I’d say over the past 10 years, I’ve been really good at communicating and getting most of my secrets out in the open so they don’t come back to haunt me.  To my knowledge, I think I only have one secret left.  Unfortunately, I’m beginning to realize that I need to filter things to certain people.  This bugs the crap out of me, but I won’t have a moment’s peace if I don’t.

I didn’t do this filtering, and thus….someone decided to push my button over the incident.  When I got the button push, I could feel my blood boiling and was ready to fire off some really choice words. Why can’t they just let this go? Why do they have to make me suffer over the whole sorted crap? I realize that the incident really hurt them, much more than I could’ve imagined, so I should not have said anything.  Their button pushing was a way for them to let out some of this angst on the person that delivered the salvo. So instead of falling for the button pushing, I walked away for a few hours to let it dissolve a bit (this is big for a person like me, thanks to the great advice from a certain Guru).

I tell you Peeps…I really feel like I’m tiptoeing through a minefield. This life that I now have is changing me and I think some people are having problems keeping up with the changes.  Hell, I’m having problems making the changes. When you figure out that you’re about to cause a paradigm shift to your entire life, you have no idea what that entails and what the fallout is going to be. You really pray that all of your friends will still be around during and long after the shift, but there are no guarantees.  After all, you’ve basically forced the shift on them as well. They are used to you being a certain way, with a certain person, living a specific kind of life. They didn’t necessarily sign on for the changes you’re making.  

It comes as a shock to you when you realize…”Hey, I can’t say this or share this anymore”.  Or “I can’t be as blunt and forthcoming as I’d like”.  I wouldn’t be in this position if I had kept everything status quo, if I’d stayed married. It just seems like lately, I’m either disappointing people or they’re disappointing me. I’m either misunderstanding people, or they’re misunderstanding me. I can’t wait for this awkward stage to be over.  I am afraid of the fallout though.

Oh well…nothing a shot of Fireball and a straight razor won’t handle.

On a side note:  I just managed to piss off my co-worker who sits next to me.  He thinks Hillary Clinton would make a better President than Sarah Palin.  I told him that while Sarah isn’t my candidate of choice, I’d choose her over Hillary because I’d rather have a brainless beauty queen then a lying, scheming, thief like Hillary.  I told him to remember Benghazi and White Water, but he never uses facts, he just argues on popular opinion.   He walked off in a huff cuz he was totally unnerved.  When he came back, he apologized and said that he made it personal and that even though I’m wrong, he shouldn’t have gotten mad. I said that it wasn’t personal, we’re just having a discussion.  This isn’t the first time this has happened…should’ve heard our discussion on gun control.  My argument was based on statistics, his on the fact that I shouldn’t own a machine gun.  Hmmmmm.

A Little Off

Today was a really off day, and it turns out it was the same for my Girlie “C”. It started out ok, but after a certain conversation, that was it for me. I hate how something like that can spin my whole day around. The worst part is…it wasn’t caused by the person I was talking to, but about an incident in the past.  Something that’s been bugging me for awhile, and although I took care of the situation, it’s like a rock thrown into a pond…the ripples are still causing issues.

I won’t get into the details (because I already have in past blogs), but sometimes I wish…never mind. If wishes were horses, then dreamers would ride.

I made Colin Farrell my bitch.  So trying to make sure I do all the right exercises for the Tough Mudder training.  Think I’m gonna call it a night.

Veterans Day

My Facebook post for Veteran’s day read:

“On this day I have a million thoughts flying thru my head about our Veterans and trying to grab one is difficult.  I’m blessed to have serving military and veterans in my circle of friends and family, including my Son. The best way I can think of to appreciate and honor their sacrifice is to do everything I can to preserve the freedom they bled for and provide me.

To let this precious gift slip through my fingers without a fight means I’m not worthy of the right to choose. Protect your freedom and honor those who sacrificed for it!”

Warning…This blog site is called DizRant for a reason….

I am so blessed to not only love, but be in love with members of the military. So it angers me when I see and hear people disrespect not only their sacrifice, but to disrespect the very freedom provided to them.

It angers me to see Americans toss away their freedom for safety, for comfort, out of sheer laziness, because they’re unwilling to work for it or fight for it.  It’s so easy for them to toss this freedom away when they didn’t have to bleed for it, work for it or worry about a loved one fighting or dying for it. The best analogy I can give is the teenager and their first car.  When the parents give them their first car, 95% of teenagers don’t understand the magnitude of the gift and treat their car like crap.  It’s only when they have to scrimp and save for the car that they understand the cost and take better care of it.

A lot of Americans are the same way. They’re given the luxury of freedom and use their free speech to bad mouth our military and our Vets. They use their free speech to toss away their right to choose and then want to hound and bash anyone that would speak against them. They use their vote to curtail their freedom, letting our inept Government decide what’s best for them. They talk about those that “Have” as if those people didn’t toil and work hard to have the luxuries they do and expect their Government to give them what they are “entitled” to…even if it has to be taken away from the ones that worked hard for it. Really???  Again, Benjamin Franklin said “Those willing to give up freedom for security deserve neither freedom nor security”.

It makes me wonder why our fine men and women continue to join the armed forces when they see what some of the American people do with their freedom.  But their level of commitment to the American Dream, Freedom and their fellow Americans is truly humbling. They know that everyone isn’t on their side, but they do it for a bigger purpose. They do it so democracy doesn’t die.  And they continue to fight the hard fight even though the odds are against them.

Wow.    As Dylan Thomas said “Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright. Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”  The blog, my Facebook posts, my letters to my legislators…these are my rages against the dying of the light. Rage with me. Fight by my side. Honor our Veterans.

Sunday Brunch

Sunday Brunch turned out fabulous! C brought her rice with black beans and corn…the absolute BOMB! W brought her Cranberry/Pear crumble with vanilla ice cream, and D brought her salad with dressing and croutons and the awesome guac dip with chips. I mixed us up one (ok three) righteous batch of pineapple margaritas, and away we went!  We were laughing so hard and having a great time. 

I fired up the grill before I got too tipsy and put the chicken on.  Turned out awesome…everyone had seconds.  I ate thirds on the rice… and then it was freaking ON!  We cracked open the “Cards Against Humanity” game and went to town.  I was a little worried, cuz W is staunch Christian, and these cards are anything but!  No worries, she was game, and we had some great laughs!  C won the first round (which was a long one).  The second round, it was as if every card I held was meant to win.  I just kept slapping them down, and they kept getting picked.  Needless to say, it was a quick round and I was the winner.  I just wish it could’ve been with some of the tougher customers I’ve played with. Ah well.

We tucked into dessert and shared laughs over the “My Talking Pet” app.  OMG, if you haven’t used it…you are missing out on a cheap 99 cent rollercoaster of laughter.  If you have an iPhone…get it!  We ended the evening on a high and everyone headed home.  I didn’t have to drive, which was awesome. 

It’s so nice to have a place where my friends can come and hang out, close enough for them to drive to, and just be.  When I lived in the foothills, it was difficult for friends to make the long drive, so most of the time, I went to their place, since I was already in town for work.  Not only that, but home dynamics made it hard sometimes for people to be over also. Now I’ve gotten pretty laid back, I keep my house relatively neat and if someone stops by…well, that is totally cool with me.

After everyone left, I fired up the BBQ to cook the rest of the chicken for the workweek.  Unfortunately, for some reason the skin on the chicken was fattier than the first round.  I headed off to the restroom and when I came back out, my patio was filled with smoke and there was a fire inside my precious BBQ.  No worries.  I shut that baby down toot-sweet, and pulled the chicken off.  Needless to say, I knew what I’d be doing on Veterans Day…breaking down my BBQ and cleaning it.  Ah well.

No Bars This Weekend!

Friday night was pretty low key. I didn’t go out and party, but stayed in and did some housecleaning to prepare for Sunday Brunch.  As a treat (and since I have a huge credit on my SureWest account), I rented “Olympus Has Fallen” and really enjoyed it. 

I’ve always had a thing for Gerard Butler, although it’s lessened due to the fact that he’s a flaming liberal, and he brings his usual hotness to the screen. It was fast paced, with lots of explosions and shooting.  I’d really like to compare notes with an actual Secret Service agent to see where the inconsistencies are.  But hey, you gotta take these movies with a grain of salt.

Two movies I’m dying to see are “Murph, The Protector” and “Lone Survivor”…both real life people/events of Operation Red Wings.  I don’t think it’ll get any grittier than that!

Saturday, I stayed around the house, yet again and worked outside.  It was a beautiful day and the leaves on the ground are stunning.  Needless to say, I have a lot of raking to do.  My trees are huge and produce so many leaves, I could probably pile them up, jump into the pile from my roof, and not get hurt! Hmmm….  I also marinated my chicken in Tequila Lime marinate for tomorrow’s brunch!

Again, I didn’t go out, but I did rent another movie…guess which one?  Yep…”White House Down” with another hottie, Channing Tatum.  Jamie Foxx did a good job as President, but he’s a flaming liberal too.  Ok, who am I trying to kid here…Most of Hollywood is filled with flaming liberals! And those who aren’t and make it known, are hounded and bashed by the liberals. Ah well.  Thank God I don’t date liberals…only because of the incessant fighting that would be going on during our dates.  Can you imagine?

Dinner with Mom

So I cooked dinner for my Mom last night.  I made Rack of Lamb, mashed potatoes, mushrooms sautéed in red wine and spices, and steamed vegetables.  I would’ve done polenta, but she doesn’t like it (and accused me of eating healthy…duh!). 

So in she comes, a little late, and after sitting down and me providing her with a glass of wine, asks if she can spend the night.  Uh Oh…a second night with unplanned guests? Yeah, not thrilled about that.  This woman has packed an overnight bag with her Jammies in it.  Well, couldn’t you have called first and asked?

In case you haven’t noticed my Mom and I have a tenuous relationship.  It isn’t the typical “Mother/Daughter” relationship in that I’ve always been the “Mom” and she’s always been the “Daughter”. This has caused many issues because at the few times she’s wanted to pull the “Mom” card, I just couldn’t let her. You’re either a Mom, or you’re not.  It makes our relationship somewhat strained now.  I think she’s secretly relieved that my MIL isn’t around anymore because she always considered her competition.  Actually, there was no competition…I completely respected my MIL and adored her.  And she fit into the Mom role that I always wanted filled.

My Mom is a big believer in the spirit world and has always had spirits follow her since she was little.  I used to be skeptical about this until my own run-ins with her spirits (they don’t like me very much). However, she tends to go over the top and last night was no exception.  She talked about her surveillance cameras capturing the spirit globes floating in her house and showed me footage on her phone. She’s afraid of being possessed by spirits (she says she’s been possessed before) and is trying to figure out how to get rid of them. After 60+ years of dealing with spirits, you’d figure she’d find a way to co-exist with them.  It’s one of those…if you can’t beat em..join em things.

I have a difficult time with this topic because I don’t know how to respond to it.  Just like her rhetoric of the Hells Angels always breaking into her crib and taking things. I try and use logic, but it never works, i.e.  “why, out of all of the people in this world, would the HA’s target you?  What makes you so important?” Never works though.

I do love my Mom, but she’ll always be a girl…never a woman. And I get that her childhood trauma basically forged this aspect of her life, but I know that I’ll be picking up the pieces till the day she dies…unless I go first. This is the main reason why I’m so analytical, why I critique every detail and beat it to death.  I’m getting better though.

We watched a little tv and then I set up the futon for her and off to sleep we went.  I didn’t sleep well and had a strange dream about being at the Cowboys parents’ house and his Pop was giving me a hard time about liking his Son.  It was funny, but I ended up waking up about 2:30 and not being able to go back to sleep.  I made us some coffee and got ready for work. 

Last item of Note:  I signed up for Tough Mudder Tahoe, so now I'm committed! I have from now to August 16th to get my ass into shape, build up my upper body and kick some ass, or Tough Mudder will be kicking mine!!!

Closing the Door

So the evening with the Ex went ok. I actually feel really good about the fact that he knows that I’ve moved on with my life. We also discussed it a little bit this morning. I told him about the Cowboy’s visit and my Niece’s birthday, and how my sister acted, etc.  He took it really well.  It was conversational.  Not sure if it all sunk in for him, but he’s got time to mull it all over. 

I had told him from jump that the only way I’d ever consider getting back together with him is if he was sober for at least 4 years and that I was not waiting for him. He’s still drinking, but I think he would wonder if maybe there was a chance.  I think I answered that for him. We’ll always be friends and we’ll always love each other (we do have a Son, and we need to be united for him), but I’m not in love with him and I can’t go back.  I really do want him to be happy and find someone else, and most of all, I’d like him to be healthy and alcohol free.  He is a good man.

So I called the douche back and this guy is really clueless. He basically said that he’s always had a thing for me (again…where was he when I was fat?), and he thought that was obvious. I said that I have a boyfriend and that means that I’m off limits to him and that telling a girl that’s interested in you that you’re interested in her friend isn’t cool.  So then he basically says that he thought we were all friends.  Well, with that logic, you wouldn’t hit on your friend when you knew they were with someone else…friends don’t do that. Friends can hit on their single friends, but not the taken ones. 

He said that he wasn’t aware that this was a matchmaking session and that he basically talks to us like we’re one of the guys…which was why he said some of the things he did.  I get that maybe he was talking to my friend that way and treating her like one of the guys, but he wasn’t doing that with me.  So “S” and I agreed that we’re not doing anymore dinners with guys.  It’s strictly a “Girls nite”.

Anyway, “S” and I are over it.  We’re planning on Thanksgiving dinner and what we’re going to cook.  She agrees with me to open the house to people who might not have family or a place to go for dinner.  I’m doing the turkey, potatoes, gravy and cranberry sauce. She’s doing green bean casserole and stuffing. Although I’m thinking I’m missing something on the menu. I’m sure it’ll come to me.

REALLY???

Well, I had no idea that the evening would end up so....interesting?  After delivering the goose jerky to my bud "R", I got a call from the Ex (husband, not boyfriend) asking for a favor. Seems his septic tank is out and he has an important doctor appointment tomorrow.  Can he stay the night, use the shower, etc?  I agreed, because we are friends and we're amicable.

I broke the news to the Cowboy about what was going to happen, and went shopping because I'm making dinner for my mother tomorrow. When I got back to the house...he was here.  I cleared off the futon in the spare room and we made the bed together. I then proceeded to heat up some dinner, and received a call from my guy.  Here's the moment of truth...do I take the call in front of the ex, or hide?  We've been divorced for two years and apart for almost 4.  I think it's time...I took the call in front of him and let him listen to most of the conversation. So now he knows I have a boyfriend...and an ex-boyfriend (as that came up in our conversation also). Can he handle it?

My Ex hasn't quite moved on, and he lets me know in subtle ways that he's still in love with me.  I felt like this was the best move to do, no matter how cruel it may seem.  I've been sheltering him for too long and the bottom line is..."You let me go for alcohol...now I've let you go for a future".  I gave him 24 years...I was loyal, faithful, sacrificing, enabling...I took care of everything so no one would know you're a raging alcoholic.  I can't shelter you anymore.  You are not mine to shelter. Even my Cowboy thought I might be a little cruel (that hurt), but at what point do I make it clear to the Ex that I've moved on?  I sheltered him from the last boyfriend.  The Cowboy means a lot more to me...do I shelter him from that too?  What happens if my Cowboy and I decide that this is forever (he did call me his Forever Love), do I suddenly say.."Hey, I've found the one? No.  I can't do it anymore...and maybe, he'll take this and use it to his benefit...to move on, to find someone else, to quit drinking...I don't know. And quite frankly...it's none of my business anymore.

While we're sitting on the sofa watching a movie...the weekend douche calls! Whoa...really???  I must've pissed off the Gods royally!  I didn't take the call and let it go to voicemail.  We'll tackle that shit tomorrow.  I have to get through tonight first.

Ugh...G'nite Peeps.

Moved

It’s funny how the right song, the right lyric, the right melody can move your heart like nothing else can (well, except maybe love). 

There are certain songs that can instantly take me back to a moment in my life and I can smell the scents that were floating in the air, the feeling of loss, the pain in my heart…or the feeling of euphoria, the lightness in my steps and my heart ready to burst because it felt so full.

My friend K posted the “Voice” version of a Great Big World’s (with Christina Aguilera) Say Something..I guess it aired last night.  And it certainly is an awesome YouTube video.  I absolutely love this song, but it’s bittersweet for me.  The first time I heard it was in September (my Cowboy turned me on to it). I downloaded it and heard it and all the feelings I had during the difficult times of my marriage and divorce came flooding back to me. I got choked up and started to cry because here it was…in song version…of what I had been saying to my ex for years… “Say something..I’m giving up on you”.  And I just wasn’t being heard.  I didn’t want to give up, and I wanted him to hear me and have something click and he’d get it...but it never happened.  This song was a gut-puncher for me.

Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” always brings me back to my aforementioned buddy’s 280ZX. She wanted to hear that song on her wedding day.  We were leaving to go get ready, and we had to have that song playing.  We were laughing so hard and so excited for what was about to happen.  I can never hear that song and not have a shit eating grin on my face.

I love how sending a song to someone can have meaning and deliver a message that perhaps…you could never say quite the right way….Or couldn’t muster up the guts to say.  Or how certain lyrics are poignant. Even my Beanster gets moved. When we listen to P!nk’s song “I Don’t Believe You” the line that always gets her is “It’s like you’re the swing set, and I’m the kid that falls”.  She looked at me and said “Auntie that is so sad”…and she’s right.

Kenny Chesney’s song “Come Over” always gets me.  In the video there was a particular shower scene that I had the utmost pleasure of trying to re-create…and when that song comes on, I am frakking done! I can feel the touch on my skin, the lips on my neck and my body starts to respond all over…Ok, I guess that’s too much information, but you understand what I’m getting at.  The right song triggers very visceral responses.

When I hear Maroon 5’s “Payphone” I’m instantly transported to the Cabo Corridor driving from San Jose to San Lucas. It’s mid-morning, the window is down and my hair is flying all over the place. I have that “I’m gonna get in trouble” feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I don’t care and the smile on my face says “bring it”!  I have skittles in my mouth and I’m laughing. 

I still have a difficult time with Gun’s and Roses “November Rain” because I walked down the aisle to it. Thus the danger of using songs during momentous occasions in your life.  They’ll always be associated with it.  Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin’ for You” brings me back to Round Table pizza with my cousin “S”. We’d play that song over and over. Rush’s “Sprit of Radio” brings me back to my childhood bedroom.  I heard it on the radio, and I just knew from the depths of my soul what that song meant and that I was never giving up music “One likes to believe in the freedom of music…”. Thank you Lee, Peart and Lifeson!

I really can’t imagine one day without music.  If I can’t play it, turn it on, drive with it…I’ll sing it.  What songs are your memory makers?