What the fuck is going on????

So today when I went down for coffee, I met up with the work Marine (he works for a vendor onsite). He’s applied for the State and wanted to discuss how the application and resume process went, etc.  While we were discussing this, he proceeds to tell me “I really had to think hard about taking this job with your rule about not dating those you work with”.

I started laughing and told him “You know I’m in no position to date you no matter where you work. You know I have a man.  What part of that is difficult for you to understand?”  He replies “I know, but things could change. I just wanted you to know”.  I am so confused on so many levels.  

First of all… What the hell is going on with the guy friends in my life? Why do you suddenly want something from me that we’d agreed was off the table?  I didn’t suddenly get more attractive.  I didn’t find some magical “everybody love me” juice.  I’m the same bitchy, opinionated, conservative skank I was last week, last month, last year…. What the frakk is going on???

Second… Am I really that simple…that naive to think that I can’t have guy friends without the complications of the whole attraction thing? Before I was married, I had a lot of guy friends.  Now, it seems like half of my guy friends want something that I will never give them. The other half are totally cool (and you know who you are), but most of you are married, so I guess it’s easier because you have morals and a code. There are a couple who are not married, but treat me like a buddy and do not overstep that boundary, and I’m thankful for that.

Third… Where the hell were you when I was fat? There’s a good possibility you could’ve made some strides there, because the ex sure the hell wasn’t.  Oh…I wasn’t attractive enough for you then?

Fourth…  It’s a damn picture people! It’s a frakking trick of light. It’s one of those “right place at the right time” lucky shots, and some of you men are obsessing over it.  Like Mr. Jr. High Heartbreak!  Suddenly you “can’t stop staring at your picture -  you’re so pretty” and you want to “rent a limousine and drive around and drink champagne and frolic?”…where were you in Jr. High? Oh, you didn’t have the imagination to see what my potential was back then? And someone else fixated on the damn picture and is telling me how beautiful I am, etc. It’s a miracle the picture turned out the way it did at 49 effing years of age!!!  I am more than a sometimes pretty face! I have a brain, a personality, an opinion. I am strong, and I’m a fighter. I work hard and love hard. These are far more important to me than sometimes being pretty and I’d like them to be important to you.

Fifth… Just read the texts today between my friend “S” and “R”…the two people who were at my crib on Saturday night for the smoked ribs. OMFG… S called R out on his behavior and he had the nerve to reply that he’s waiting till my guy screws up to make his move”.  The DOUCHE had the audacity to tell this to S, after she tells him that this was a matchmaking session and it isn’t polite for him to go for the matchmaker and treat the matchmakee like crap. Dude…REALLY?  She’s sitting here telling you she likes you, and you’re openly telling her that you want her friend!!!  A friend with a boyfriend!  Note to self: No more matchmaking…even if your friend really wants you to do it because you know the person she likes…which I obviously didn’t know him well enough, cuz I don’t set my friends up with Douches!!

Ok…I’m breathing now.  Don’t get me wrong. It’s really nice to feel attractive, when I wasn’t for so many years.  One of the parts of divorce that scared me was that no man would ever want to be with me, be attracted to the right parts of me, etc.  After all, if your husband of 17 years (together 24) will choose alcohol over you, well…maybe you don’t quite measure up. I now understand that maybe it wasn’t me after all. But for God’s sake, I make a really good friend if you’d stop with the cray cray crap!