Closing Time

"Closing time, open all the doors and let you out into the world" - Semisonic

I didn't get much sleep last night.  Thinking too much about the niece and the projects.  I dropped off around 11, woke up around 12:30, dropped off again, woke up at 2 and watched the clock move.  Finally, close to 3, I gave it up, got my sorry ass out of bed and proceeded to mess with Vin Diesel's world. An hour later and finishing at level 5, I was sweating profusely and a tad more calm in my mind.

More meetings today and trying to make sense of the new project, while tackling the final steps of the old. I began to get more and more antsy. I was feeling constricted, suffocated and I just wanted out of there. And as I walked into the parking lot, the warm wind whipping my hair around....the refrains of Closing Time, started echoing through my head.  I was free!

I headed home, and the stripping began.  I ended up with just a purple lace thong and a wine colored slip top on (there is a purpose to the clothing issue...it's not to turn anyone on or anything...). I opened the french doors wide and all the windows open and the wind started moving though the house.  But the best part is the wind caressing my skin. HEAVEN!!!  I put on some music and relaxed on the chaise with the wind moving my hair and just breathing.  I've always said my best luck comes on windy days. It's always the little things that make you feel alive and thankful.

I made some egg drop soup and I may yet end up with a glass of wine....I haven't decided.  The problems, issues, projects and family will still be here tomorrow.  But tonight, it's just me and God...and I'm ok with that.

Past Dizzy's Bedtime!

It's 8:11 p.m. and I'm actually tired.  I hit the ground running today and because of this new project, my Mondays are not slow, but now, they're crazy.  I felt cooped up all day.  I also got this cool email titled Love Story. It was done all in pictures of two people in love sharing special moments. Then the pictures take him to deployment where he loses most of his limbs...yes, legs,  most of his arms. And she's by his bedside and his side every moment. She's helping him with physical therapy and all the hard stuff.  She even carries him on her back to the ocean shore and down a flight of steps off of an airplane.  This chick totally rocks.  I was crying at my desk...But it's proof that there is a love that is precious enough to die for. I shared, so you probably got it.

But I got home just emotionally drained from the day.  So I pulled on my shorts, shoes and a sports bra and did some serious power walking outside in the 90+ weather.  I had good music in my ears, a breeze in my face and soon, my smile was back and I was kicking ass.  I was gone for an hour and a half, but it felt good. The only downside was....I was not hungry, and while I had a salad for lunch, I really haven't eaten that much today.  Not good, but I don't want to force myself to eat either, so....I had an Ale. That counts as dinner...right?  I opened up the doors and had my music on and I was singing at the top of my lungs...next thing I know, I look up and there's this chick in pink with her dog, in my driveway listening to me.  Ah well...that's what happens when you let people use your driveway as a walkway...Hope I wasn't too bad.

I'm really starting to stress myself out, because I'm already hitting the ground running with this new project, and I haven't finished my other one.  I'm am counting the seconds till vacation, cuz I can promise you...I will not do a speck of work while I'm off!  I'm walking away for 2 weeks and I don't want to hear a single thing!

As I'm typing up this blog, Kenny Chesney's new album just dropped and being downloaded (I pre-ordered).  I'm actually looking forward to hearing it.  MY GOD....I'M A POD PERSON!!!  The fact that I'm drinking a beer, and I'm not really a beer drinker.  But I didn't want really hard liquor because that's a bad precedence to start setting during the work week.  Hell, I already drank tequila and fireball last Monday night after getting the news about the new project. Breathe...Dizzy is breathing...ok, we're good. But surprisingly, my belly feels full.  Is that what beer does to you?  Am I gonna get a big beer gut now? Geez, that's all I need!

Just received a message from my niece asking me to adopt her.  UGH.  I'm asking what's the matter with my angel.....  Ok, my life just got more complicated.  It seems my sister is talking about the devil a lot.  Come to find out from my Boy, my sister has discovered the existence of the Illuminati.  And her rantings are scaring the shit out of my niece, so she's begging to come live with me for awhile.  The Boy and I were talking and I'm kinda cracking up, because the Illuminati has been around forever, and she's just now discovering the background and history?  But my precious Angel does not need to be hearing my sister's crap.  She's freaking out.  I told her not to worry and that I would cancel my plans for the weekend so she can come stay with me. Ah well, I'll teach my niece how to make chile Rellenos for Cinco Di Mayo.

Now...I'm going to bed, before I get out the tequila bottle.  G'nite peeps!

P.S.

Spoke with my Girlie "J" about needing a "wing man" for the impending summer visit from CC and his brother "George Clooney".

J and I together are completely diabolical!  We decided that I should totally yank CC's chain and say that his brother is totally hot, and can we do a threesome or something.  Always fun to put someone off kilter.  At least he'll figure out that my sense of humor is as warped as his is!

I told him when he first told me about his brothers, that I have no interest in them what so ever.  It was his eyes that captured me...not theirs.  Hope he remembers that conversation.

A Beautiful NorCal Day!

Can you believe it? We were in the 90's...at the tail end of April! What a spectacular day!  I pulled out my denim mini-skirt, sheer white blouse, flip flops...and headed out into the universe!

I finally bought my BBQ! A Weber Genesis in Espresso color with a side burner...for natural gas!  It will be constructed and delivered Monday, May 6th!  I am so excited!  Grilling brings out the man side of me! I LOVE to grill. And I will grill anything!  But with the briquette grill, it takes too long and during the week, I just don't have the time. I'm not ditching my briquette grill, ya never know when you want that smokey mesquite flavor. I like to kick it old-school, but I also like the convenience of gas.

After that, I headed to the outlets.  I needed the girlie crap since I'm gonna be visible at work...you know, panty hose (the fucking bane of my existence...and should ONLY be used for getting laid!), slips, etc.  I did pick up another pair of Sketcher flip flops. And then...bad Diz found herself in front of the Bose store.  Yeah, I really wanted the home theater stuff, but no...I controlled myself and my tight budget. They did happen to have the portable stereo for iPhone/iPod on sale (It's pre iPhone 5, so older jacks) and my iLuv speakers are blown.  They've been letting in a lot of static. So...yeah, I did pick it up.  I figured that music is my thing (much more than television) and once I do have the house wired, this will stay in my bedroom.  Plus, I love to travel, and this will go with me, and at a great price.  The sound is incredible!  Totally worth it.  And, it comes with a remote...tee hee!

After that, I headed to my Girlie "J"'s crib.  They have a really cool locale in Folsom, with really cool views.  The guys brought all different kinds of beer...I'm talking really obscure ones, and everyone had small glasses to try the beers.  It was really fun.  And....they BBQ'd. OMG, we're talking ribs, brisket, chicken, the works.  All kinds of sides, and some really good Filipino food.  Holy Moly...Dizzy did some serious chowing down, which was good, because I really hadn't eaten since Friday night.  I did a little noshing here and there, but no serious food...not intentionally!  I love food too much to give it up, but I was just busy....you know?

I drove home and noticed that a lot of people were driving with their windows up and air conditioning running.  I had every window down and my hair whipping in the wind.  My only regret of the Durango (which I will rectify with the next vehicle) is no sunroof!  I love the air, wind, elements! This weather was not hot enough for air conditioning...those damned pussies!  God, I just can't describe the vibe, the natural high I get from being behind the wheel of a powerful vehicle, with the windows down, the music playing, my hair flying in all different directions... I AM ALIVE! With this kind of weather, it's a sin to waste it.  This is why I'm looking forward to Oregon. I've got at least 12 hours of driving...with the windows down...the sun shining...my music playing... Death is coming for me my friends, as it comes for all of us. It may be years away, or it may not.  But the past 3 years has taught me not to ignore Death's presence or it's impending arrival.  I have to take each moment and treasure it, and by God, I am!

Which is why I have all the windows open in the house, music playing and a whole fruit margarita in hand to enjoy this exquisitely beautiful evening.  The only thing missing is the right guy, but that's ok. This is why I am taking chances.  This is why I'm willing to lay it all on the line and just let it fly.  Because I WILL not die with regrets. Yes, it's painful. Yes, I will get hurt.  Yes, I anticipate getting fucked over.  But it's better than closing myself off to the world.  I want to die happy. I want to be able to say, "Yeah, I did those things and had a fucking badass time".  I want to set the example for my awesome Niece and show her that only she can limit her life. She can do whatever she wants to do, be who she wants to be, love who she wants to love and make her life as special as she wants it to be.  And I think I'm doing that. Just like I hope I've done for her brother, my Son.

So just know...Yes, I use this blog to bitch and moan, to get out my angst, frustration, hate...but ultimately, I will be ok. I'm a creature continually changing.  I am, at this moment, finally ok with divorce and being single.  I am ok with the ex choosing alcohol over me, because that is his burden to carry...not mine. He does what he has to do, and I'm doing what I have to do.  We obviously were not meant to be together forever.  I hope to find a forever person, but if I don't, I'll be ok with that too.

It's a beautiful NorCal evening! Embrace it with me and step into the unknown!

Silent Lucidity

There was a moment tonight when the senses, space, time, etc. converged and it was a perfect moment. Not perfect in the sense that I was with the person I wanted to be with, but in the sense that the person in the skin was in sync with the person in the brain. Just a surreal moment that I had come to a point in my life that I was ok, I was in tune with the universe per se.  No, I'm not drunk. As a matter of fact, I do have some Fireball in front of me...but I just got it, so haven't really dived in.

I was at my BFF "D" and hanging with another BFF "C".  We were just chillaxin and talking about the stuff going on in our lives. And there was this split second that I was feeling "yeah, this is right". Those moments don't come often for me. They never have.  They're as fleeting as the magic that surrounds us.  You're either lucky to experience it or you're not. That feeling has not surpassed the amount of digits on both hands.  The birth of both of my nephews (x2 cuz I was present), giving some sugar to my other nephew, snuggling with my niece, cutting my hand with a knife and making a pact, particular moments with my besties and that moment I looked into the eyes of magic.

It was just a split second, but it was memorable. And I like that I recognized the moment and didn't just let it go.

Tonight I attended the play "The Tempest" starring my BFF "W"'s daughter.  It was really good. I wore a tight beige/black skirt and layered the tanks...one beige and one brown. I rocked the hair straight. We had a great time, and then headed to "D"'s house for dessert and wine.  Too Good.

This morning I was woken up quite early by CC telling me to wake up.  WTF?? It's Saturday, bitch! Unless you're straddling me and sucking on my earlobes to wake me in my nice comfy bed...Step Off!  It's hard to stay mad though when he's making arrangements to come visit this summer with his brother "George Clooney". My assignment is to find myself a suitable Wing Man to escort George.  A couple of people came to mind, but as another BFF said..."He'd Kill You"....and she's right. So I have a couple of months to find the right candidate.

Did lots of work today and made serious headway on the property.  But tomorrow...it's TRY DIFFERENT BEERS WITH 20 GUYS DAY!!!  I love those odds...even if I don't act on them...and I won't.  I just want to blow of a little steam. So I'm going to bed peeps and will blog tomorrow.

2:05 A.M.

I know...what the frak am I doing up, right?  Guess I got my second wind.  What a day for Dizzy.  It's actually been a tough week, and so I woke up full of piss and vinegar. I decided that since I was so 'visible' at work, I may as well dress for the part.  So I put on a Blue VS mini skirt with a cotton shirt and my white sketcher sports. I was definitely showing a lot of leg!  I walked through the parking lot with my usual stride (NO...there weren't any pennies around for me to go sliding on...) and headed to my desk.

I had a meeting in the morning and dropped by my friend "J's" desk. I took a seat and he took one look at my skirt and said that it was short enough to see everything underneath. I had my legs crossed and asked him if he could see underneath it, so he leans his head over to take a look.  He says that he can't see anything, to which I replied, "Alright then...shut the fuck up!" No, he isn't the married "J" I work with...He's a forever single guy. I think he only dates married women because he doesn't have to worry about complications.

I had an afternoon meeting that took much longer than I intended. It was productive though.  I ended up trading some texts today and took a leap of faith and exercised some trust. Ohhhh...that's a big one for Dizzy.  Trust... It seems this past year has been about taking risks, doing things I wouldn't do, leaps of faith, etc.  Just flat out understanding that there can be other ways. That maybe things aren't necessarily black and white.

After I got home, I prepped the house for Girls Nite.  "V" couldn't come, but "J" did along with "K". I whipped up some pulled pork street tacos and blended margaritas.  YUM.  K asked about the outfit I was wearing and I told her I wore it to work.  Ha ha...should've seen her face.  I told her about "P"'s comment and she laughed and said that with his eyes he probably couldn't see anything.  I laughed.  I told her about passing on a message to him that he had to mind his Ps and Qs because a certain someone would hate to have to meet him when he comes down here.  I laughed but she made this comment that "the comment would not have gone over well with "R".  She's right. Even though this person had a right to say it, R is my brother from another mother and he feels it's his job to look out for me and protect me.

I started thinking about that.  How lucky to be friends with a guy for so long that you instinctively know that he'll protect you if necessary.  He scrutinizes my dates and always has sound advice (as does his woman). He just flat out looks after me.

We gossiped, we danced, we played games and we started to watch Magic Mike, but I fell asleep (damn, my new couch is really comfy).  "K" woke me up and I got a second wind.  We didn't finish the movie though. We always just have a great time together. I'm really blessed with great friends.  "J" really loves my home and I always love seeing through someone else eyes.

Before I end this blog, I have a confession to make. I've been talking a lot with CC. I've always said I had unfinished business when it comes to him. I just haven't really opened up about our conversations or anything.  Like I said before, I don't know that we'll have a relationship other than friendship. And I know that I can't pin any hope to that or any kind of future....he lives over 600 miles away.  I think I haven't shared it with you for a number of reasons.

I do understand that I need to be true to this blog and to me.  After all, the reason for this blog is not for you to read about my adventures...but to unload the things that cloud up my mind so that I can be clear headed during the day-to-day stuff in my life.  But I have yet to really know and understand what it is that I feel about the past and about him.  So as I figure it out, I'll post things, but I do realize that I'll have to use some discernment.

G'nite Peeps.

Silent Screaming

Do you know what that is?  Have you ever experienced it? For me, it always happens at intense emotional moments, when you can't or won't let out a sound, but inside your head is this deafening screaming going on. The kind that ping pongs around the skull and makes you deaf to outside noise.

I first experienced silent screaming as a kid. It was a way to respond back to the asshole AntiChrist without actually uttering a sound. After a while though, I switched to self-induced deafness to drown out his yelling.

When I got older, it was a way to express my intense frustration and anger without actually screaming out loud.  Usually it occurred whenever I was dealing with family issues that became overwhelming.  I'd be talking to my mother and get extremely irritated, but couldn't scream out of respect...so I did it silently.

The loudest, longest screaming I did was when my Nephew died, and I wrote about it in a previous blog.  After dealing with the family stuff all day, and not being able to show too much emotion (if I did, I wouldn't have been able to do the things I needed to do...like inform my sister, mother and my boy about the news), I came home and just broke down.  I was staying with a friend, because I was working on the house, so I knew I couldn't scream out loud. I was blogging and had tears running down my face and my mouth was open in a soundless scream that just wouldn't end.  I could hear it in my head...so much so, that I couldn't hear my fingers tapping on the keyboard, but it was horror movie screaming. It was just like that scene in The Godfather III where Michael Corleone was on the steps of the Opera house, cradling his daughter Mary who had just been shot.  He's looking up at the heavens and tears are streaming down his face and his mouth is open in a silent scream and you could see the scream coming and suddenly...you hear it.  Only no one could hear mine but me.

Today I did some silent screaming at work, but nothing as heart rending as the aforementioned occasion...I was in my work environment and they frown on screaming and 4 letter words....I know right???  What the fuck! I was just frustrated.  My co-worker "J" was being a turd and asking asinine questions and I snapped at him.  He kept hounding me and finally I told him that I'm having a bad day and to leave me alone. He acted as if I'm never supposed to have those!  He said "you're always smiling, you can't have bad days!"  REALLY??? Half the time I'm smiling to get everyone to leave me alone.  It's a hell of a lot easier than to walk around with a frown and having everyone and his uncle questioning you!  I lit into him and told him that he's grumpy and snappish all the time, and I cut him slack.  Can't he do the same for me?  Enter silent screaming....

I emailed someone about having a bad day and said that I was silently screaming. This person turned it on me and made me smile by saying "You had me at silently screaming".  NICE!  I started thinking about that....do I silently scream during sex? I know I can be quite intense and I can be quite loud...depending upon the circumstances.  I think it starts off in my head, but I always verbalize it somehow.  I know I swear during sex...ok, when don't I swear, I know.

Sometimes I can be a real sailor and I know it isn't "Lady like", and sometimes it can be downright crude. I do try to hold myself back, but during sex.....fugetaboutit! Really good sex is as raw as it can be and it isn't about being a sissy! So I would say that it isn't the same because I'm having fun and I really don't have thoughts going through my head per se. Well, nasty thoughts, yes! I've learned to be in the moment, so...

Alright, enough of this topic.  Said goodbye to a friend and mentor today.  She's usually the project sponsor of my projects and we've made a solid team. She paid me the highest compliment.  She said that I should go into management, and I've been putting off the glorified babysitting.  She said that I was one person that she would actually love to work for.  I was genuinely floored by that compliment and have always remembered it. I will miss her. She let me do my job and didn't micro-manage me. LOVE IT!

Tomorrow night is Girls Nite at Dizzy's crib!  Really looking forward to it.  Not sure if ya'll are gonna get a blog tomorrow, but at least there may be something interesting for Saturday! G'nite peeps.  Dizzy is a bit tired and is thinking about falling asleep in front of the TV.

UGH!!!

Sorry about not blogging yesterday.  The day got away from me.  I had a friend stop by to discuss the new project at work and we went for pizza and the next thing I knew, it was late.  Too late for blogging.

What a day today!!!  Busy with meetings, trying to complete my project in the next 3 weeks (6 weeks early) so I can devote my time to the new project.  Dancing for management, appointments, etc.

5 minutes after I get home the Ex pulls up with his tools to work on the Riding Snapper mower.  We unfortunately could not get it to work, so I'm going to call the Mower shop tomorrow to discuss the damned thing.  While he was working on that, I was trimming trees and Camellia bushes (don't go there peeps!). Tomorrow is green waste pickup, so I thought I'd get a jump on that. Once we knew the mower wouldn't work, he left and I pulled out the push mower and got the front, side and part of the big lawn mowed.  Dizzy didn't get done till 8 p.m. when the mower ran out of gas.  I'll finish up the yard this weekend.  Dizzy is drinking wine for dinner...Bad Diz...BAD!!!  I just don't feel like making anything, and I need to get to bed soon to be up early to kick Vin Diesel's ass!

However, tomorrow night, Dizzy is shopping for GIRLS NITE!! Oh yeah, the ladies are throwin' down Friday nite and I'm hosting.  We are going to have a blast!  I've cooked pulled pork for street tacos and pulled pork sandwiches (just got to get the fixins' to go with), I've got Fireball, tequila, vanilla cake vodka, whipped cream vodka, K is bringing beer...it is ON!  Love me my time with the Girlies!  I can't forget to download Magic Mike....we need some beefcake!

Dizzy is counting down the days till vacation.  Although I haven't heard from my Nephew yet, I know I'm going to have a blast.  My Nephew N hasn't decided if he's going to fly into Sac to drive with me, or if he'll fly into Portland and I pick him up there.  He's planning on visiting his Dad, but if things don't work out, he'll stay with me in the Condo. Things are precarious with their relationship, but hopefully everything will work out.  He hasn't even committed to going yet, So I'll have to give him a call this weekend to see what's up.  He may not even go.

This will be the first time Dizzy has taken the Beast on a long drive and done a vacation completely by herself...i.e. the Besties won't be there to ease me into vacation like they did in Cabo. Although I'm meeting up with relatives there, I'll be traveling alone, so I need to purchase a lock for my gun case cuz the Sig .40 is going with!  I'm not really worried though.  I've traveled by myself for work, but I just need to use common sense. Most importantly, I have to carry myself with the "Don't fucking bite this one off Bitch" attitude.  And I have to mean it...and I do.  No one messes with me, so nothing to worry about peeps.  Besides...I'll be in constant contact with K and keep her posted, so she'll always know where I am.  Got someone staying at the house, so that's all good.

The relatives I'll be visiting are actually related to the Ex, but we're still cool, so it'll be fun to see them. I don't think they harbor me any ill will because I divorced N. I think everyone knew it was coming. They also know that I was more than fair during the whole divorce and that we do have a kid together and get along. So, we'll see what happens.

If I have any issues, it'll be with my nephew's Dad P.  We never really got along because he's a self-centered asshole. He's a retired Army Ranger, who fell in love with an Uzbekistan stripper (they couldn't understand each other, but spoke the language of love), left his wife and son and married her. He expected his son at 10 years of age to be the one to pick up the phone and call him and didn't do anything to keep the relationship going. He called me to bitch about the fact that his son never called, and I was straight up with him when I said that it wasn't a 10-year old's job to stay in contact with his Dad...it's the other way around. I just don't understand Dads/Moms that are given the gift of a child, and don't put that gift first!

Now that I'm single, I have absolutely no issues with Dads putting me second to make sure their kids are taken care of and happy.  I mean really???  The greatest job you'll have on this earth is to be a parent and if you don't give it everything, the results will be catastrophic. I think I'm passionate about it because I didn't give birth to a child of my own and when I was given the gift of my Nephew, now my Son, I treasured every part of it...and still do.  I miss back-to-school nights, and baseball games.  I even miss going over the homework and arguing, etc.  But the Man that I contributed to is awesome! My Son is smart, hardworking, has his head on straight and is only getting better with age.  What more could I ask for?  I'd love the chance to do it again...but Dizzy is not getting pregnant....HELL NO!  Not at my age!

How did I get off on this tangent?  Ah well.  I had some fun emails this morning, and I'm really thankful that I did because it took the edge off of the project stuff.  I had a spring in my step and a shit-eating grin on my face.  Yeeeeehaaawwwwww! And my brother texted "I Love You"...totally awesome.

G'nite Peeps.. Hope your hump day was a good one...(did I ever tell you that Wednesday has always been my favorite day of the week?  Who the fuck knows why...but it's been like that since I was a kid).

Monday....Really???

JAYZUZZ!!!!  What a fraking day!  It had both good and bad elements to it.  Where do I begin?

I do IT Project Management (most of the time...it does me!), and while I enjoy the job, the challenges, and technology in general....there are times that it all just pisses me off.  I get called into the boss' office (two bosses up) and the door gets closed. I'm in the room with my boss and another manager. I'm told that I'm needed for a specific project and that I must be taken off of the projects I'm currently on.  What do I need to do to transition off, and who can I hand them off to?  I look at my boss "T", the other manager "A" and THE BOSS "J" and said, really???  There's no other project manager that you can hand this off to? "J" said I was specifically requested by the ultimate higher-ups and they were ok with me being taken off my projects.

This is in response to a major incident at my work that also went public, so the scrutiny is extremely high from all over the State. So I look at the schedule, and tell them that I've got two weeks of vacation at the end of May and there's no way for me to meet the first due date.  They said no problem, vacation is a done deal and they'll have someone else meet the first one. What else?

And then Peeps....Dizzy let the shit fly!!!  She did not hold back a fucking thing! She flat out says "I got nothing to lose...I can't be promoted unless they change my classification or I go into management, so I'm not pulling any punches". "J" says that's why they want you on the project, that you'll lay it out and tell them the things they don't want to hear.  "J" also says that I've been chosen because I make it happen, I meet deadlines and I work well with my teams.  I said that the reason I work well with my teams is that I have the best teams. I don't piss them off and they know that I'm personally vested in them and the project outcome. I tell them that they are basically asking me to walk out on a team that I've worked with for over two years, at the finale of the project, at the highest risk point and expect this team to respect me and work with me again on the next project.

I then go into detail about how I really felt and my immediate boss is backing me to the hilt. But in the end "J" says its gotta happen. So I said "Fine, ultimately...I'm here for a paycheck, so I'll do whatever it is you want, but I'm successful at my projects because I take them personally. I'm not vested in what you're asking me to do. And while I appreciate the compliments you and management have given me, it worries me.  You've set the bar extremely high and sooner or later I will fail, and the fall will be long and hard."  "J" says that I shouldn't think that way and that everything will be fine.  I said that it was the law of averages...I can't always be successful, and it's a matter of time before it does...and with a project that I'm not vested in (at least not yet), that I've shafted my teams for, has pretty much loaded the deck against me.  She also lets me know that Dizzy Monkey will be dancing for upper management sometime in the next couple of days, so they can express their concerns and talk to me personally about the project...

It is what it is..., but after the meeting, I headed to my main and most important team member and told him what was up.  He said "You were in that closed door meeting?" and I said "yeah, why?" He said, it got pretty heated in there...I should've known it was you. I didn't tell him this, but some things are worth fighting for.  I'm only as good as my team, and they're fucking phenomenal! So if someone wants me to disrespect them, it is ON!  I left the building HOT!  Ah well...nothing a little (or a lot) of tequila and a straight razor won't handle.  It's Monday and I don't like to start off the workweek drinking, but....

I made crockpot pulled pork for dinner, but got stood up by my mother (when doesn't she stand me up?) so that will go into the fridge. I got home and found that my walltat avatars have been delivered. I couldn't figure out what to do with my wall where my bed headboard is on.  I had a multi-pic collage of my ex-boyfriend and I up there, but that just won't do. I use this avatar for my web stuff, so I sent out an email to about 12 of my buddies to see which color should go up.  It will have the chocolate wall showing through, so I couldn't decide on the red or the light brown (close to the beige that's already in the room). I've gotten 4 votes back so far.  3 for the beige and 1 for the red.

What do you think Peeps?  Below is the original picture and the avatars taped to the wall.

Average Sunday??? NOT!

We ended up at the Flight Deck in Tahoe for breakfast and ran into the Drama Queens of Friday night...YAWN!  They wanted to treat their hangover before heading home to the Bay Area.  The only person missing, was the object of their affection..."K"...but he had T-Ball with his boys (Got to admire a real man that puts his boys before his ho's...just sayin)!  No tears shed there.  We headed home and I got a call from the ex...he's stopping by to pick up the recliner with his Dad.

His Dad hasn't seen the house since he moved and I changed it.  I was really wondering how that was all going to go down.  So when I got home, I set about doing those things to open up the house, etc.  They arrived a half hour later. I gave Dad (yes, I still call my Father-in-Law "Dad") the tour and pointed out the major changes.  Even he said that he'd never recognize the house.  Then he said that his son (my ex) said it looked better than it ever did.  Wow!  That was a nice compliment...but the icing on the cake was that he said Mom (My MIL) would be proud and would've loved it.  Although I knew that deep down, it was so much better hearing it from him.

We had some soda and talked and then the boys left, leaving me to get ready for a birthday party. My Buddy TH was having his birthday, and his wife texted me with a special request to be there.  I've known TH since Jr. High.  We used to walk to  school together.  Although there was never anything between us, we're still friends.  More like a brother/sister relationship. I wore a black tank (being that the temp was in the high 80's) and a red/black sarong at knee length.

If you know me, you know that I'm more at home in skirts and sarongs.  On vacation...I live in sarongs that wrap around my waist and I tie them. I can tie them as short or as long as I want them.  They are instant air-conditioning and comfortable. So far (knock on wood), I've only had one incident where my knot came undone while dancing on a dance floor in a bar in Cabo and people got a glimpse of my thong...ah well.  At my age...who the fuck cares?

So I'm there and TH is harassing me about everything.  He tortured me for news about the Iowa Farm Boy (Uh hello...I broke up with him months ago) and wanted to know who was the latest. I swear he lives vicariously through me! He's poking at the twins and calling them fake (they take personal offense to that) but by the time I arrived, he'd already downed mas tequila. So I can't take it personal...except when he's trying to convince others that the twins are saline.  FUCKER!  I had to take him down big-time!   But it's all love.

It was the perfect evening to celebrate.  It was one of those kinds of evenings where the air is still and the temperature is perfect. We sat around the front patio and I was just kind of soaking it all in.  Just about everyone there was couples, which I was ok with...but they're all talking the 'couple language' about kids and planting, how long to water, fertilizer, etc. and it hit me that at one time, I would've been one of those people...but now I'm as far right as I could possibly be. It's when the twilight is calm and the air is cool that the thoughts come to mind..."Will I ever be in this place again?" "Will I ever be part of something bigger than myself?" "Will I have a 'better half' that worships and adores me like the men surrounding me adore their women?" I felt the abrupt shift where I was no longer a part of the group, I was suddenly on the outskirts. I was suddenly the enemy...the divorced single chick out to steal their men. Although I didn't dress that part (at least, I don't think so), my hair was pulled back in a  partial french braid that ended in a ponytail and my makeup was minimal.  For about 10 minutes, it was a little hairy.  After a couple of jokes and self-depreciating remarks (with TH assisting), it changed and everything was ok.

I'm not going to bitch and whine.  We all know that this isn't where I had planned to be. I had a choice to make and I made it. Given the circumstances, if I had it to do all over again, I'd make the same fucking choice. It is what it is. There are just moments...where it comes crashing down on your head and you question yourself.  So far, my answers are sound, so the questioning comes quick and goes away. But I always wonder....

I think it's the evening.  I'm home now and the doors are wide open and the screens shut, letting in the cool crisp spring air. I'm drinking my second finger of Fireball (and I fucking need it, so step off bitches!), and blogging and this is where I have to open up and be me.  This is where the doubts get aired and challenges come. This is where I send my issues and inklings off to the universe and let them go.

But in the Grand Scheme of things, I had an amazing weekend! I hiked, I drank, I helicoptered, I sunbathed, I was with family, I took care of business, I celebrated and I danced. The only thing that could've topped it was sex...but we'll have to wait for that. When I look at my weekend, I am amazed that I did these things.  Me.  I didn't need to have a boyfriend or a man with me. I didn't need assurance that it was ok. I was fully capable of kicking ass and taking names. Please don't get me wrong....

I would love to have a man...my man...be a part of these things. But until that person comes along, it's nice to know that I can do these things and be just fine. It is more than I could've dreamed. My Aussie Friend Cat is worried that I will "under sell' myself.  She's worried that I will let some user come into my life because I'm tired of being alone and will take whatever comes along and put up with the bullshit.  I don't mind a man with self-confidence.  If he knows who he is and what his is about...I'm good with that. And honestly...much prefer that.  However, that doesn't mean that I'll put up with a man who (while recognizing his own self worth) doesn't recognize my self worth.

So heads up!  Yes, I'm here to tell you that I have faults!  I am scarred, both emotionally and physically! This does not mean that I am weak! This does not mean that you can walk all over me! This does not mean that I can't live without you! NEWSFLASH!  I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!  I've already done it, and I'll do it again. This does not mean that I want to, but I will do what I have to do to survive and make it in this world. I have things to offer and with the right person, I can make it exciting.  But don't think for a second that I'm going to take a back seat, wait around till you figure it out, let you pat me on the head and smack my ass and send me on my way (unless it's during sex), and think I'm going to hang around and wait till you've found yourself and are "happy happy joy joy" with the things around you.  Really???  It ain't gonna happen.

Just so you know...I will give your concerns due consideration, I will be satisfied with whatever the situation is at the time it is, and I will walk away. If sex is in the picture, then so be it. But that doesn't mean you'll be dealing with some spoiled princess that will cry and beg you to please call and make everything alright. Sex is a gift. I'll enjoy the gift and walk. Because I recognize that while you gave me a gift....I gave one right back. Here I am!  Step off, or bring it!

Ok, done being militant. Gotta make my bed and get up early to kick Vin Diesel's ass.  I can only hope your weekend was as productive as mine.  Believe in "you" my friends. No one else is going to do it! My wish for you is the strength and will to follow your dreams and never settle for second best. If you're my friend...you only deserve the best!

Beaver Deceiver!!!

WTF??? What is a Beaver Deceiver? We saw this article in the Tahoe Tribune about a Beaver Deceiver, and once we did....it was fucking ON!

Although the article had to do with beaver (yes, you filthy minded peeps...the beavers that build dams by chewing thru trees) issues around the lake...that didn't stop all of us at the Bar with coming up with great stuff about who and what is a beaver deceiver. Who ever came up with that freaking title to the article deserves a beer from me.

What a splendorific day it was here in Tahoe! We cooked some breakfast, went for a quick walk then headed out shopping. We were looking for a specific carmex moisture plus lip balm. My girlie and I have the clear, peach and pink. But we've been on the hunt for the berry for over a year. There are 3 CVS pharmacies in Tahoe that carry our brand, but we can never seem to get the color we've been searching for.

We also hit up Pier One and....The Lucky Beaver (what is it with Beaver talk today...Really???) for a shirt for R. We tried the burger lounge which really did have great burgers, then headed home and sunbathed. It was so nice and perfect in the sunshine. I sipped on Fireball and K sipped on Hypnotic (berry) and we chatted,etc.

After that, we headed back to the Flight Deck and ran into Mr. Drama and his women (see previous blog). The girl L was tagging after him like the puppy she is even if he does treat her like complete shit. I don't get that, but whatever. They were on their way out and I called him a pussy for not being able to handle his liquor! After a couple of drinks and some snacks we headed home and watched Expendables 2 and Taken 2.

And that is the end of the evening. I know I'll be back again in a couple of weeks for Cinco de Mayo, but I do love this place and feel so lucky and honored that my besties K and R share their Coyote Home with me. I never feel like a 3rd wheel around them. It's just family.

We decided we're going to put together a team to participate in a 5k marathon with 15 obstacles. I forget what it's called, but they do it in various cities and the money goes to the Veterans Fund. It's apparently really hardcore and I'll come away with bruises and mud. Sounds like foreplay to me!!! Bring it Bitches!

Can the Fun Get Any Better???

So we woke up yesterday morning and went out to breakfast at Bert's Cafe. Really good food and really reasonable prices. After a week of green smoothies for breakfast, I ended up with extra crispy hashbrowns with gravy (not a big biscuit person). Yum!

After breakfast, we did a little grocery shopping and then decided what to do with our day. We decided to hike Eagle Rock which is around the North Shore (Homewood) area of Tahoe. It was freaking awesome (pictures below). I ended up on this outcropping. I didn't have a problem with rock climbing, but was more worried that I'd rip a hole in my pants since they weren't denim. But I threw caution to the wind and went for it.

After that, we headed to Vikingsholm and hiked down to the bottom. The Emerald Bay is aptly named. Those blues and greens coming through was just stunning. We then decided to check out the Eagle water falls and when we got there realized that we'd have to trek all the way back and head up the mile walk to the road. R, K and I decided that we don't need any stinking trail and rock climbed up to the road. Although I got elbowed in the nose (my fault, I was a little too close to K, but I knew she was a little nervous about the climb), I was really happy with my level of fitness. I was not hurting and not winded. And this morning, I expected to be sore, but I'm not. I feel fantastic!

After we got back, we changed and headed to our haunt, The Flight Deck. We didn't plan on staying late, but I got a chance to take a heli ride around Tahoe and I took it!!! OMG, totally stunning from above. There are no words. I'd done a heli-ride on my birthday last year, but it was a 20 minute one. Last nights ride was like an hour. Holy Cow!!! The only thing missing was someone special to share it with!

When I got back, we had a little dinner and then headed out. We provided a ride for a couple of our inebriated Tahoe Buddies. K bottles his own wine, so when we got to his house, he gave me two bottle...one a red regular wine and the other is laced with a certain substance. I told him that I didn't want a bottle of it, he could just give me a sip to taste it, but he insisted. Not sure I'll ever open the bottle, but...

We headed to the living room and proceeded to rock out and dance. Then K pulls out his special moonshine laced with another substance (what is it with this guy?) and this stuff was horrific! It even smelled like thick rotted swamp stuff!

After that, things got a little hairy. R and K (not my girlie) headed out to pick up a couple of girls that needed a ride from a bar They get back and we're just playing music and dancing, but the blonde with long hair thinks I'm with wine-making K and is hostile. I wasn't, I'm not and I won't ever be...with him. We're just friends, but it was fun to be perceived as a threat from a 20-something chick. She headed downstairs and was gone for awhile, so I went down to talk to her. She's got some serious self-esteem issues. I told her that she needs to take control of this situation if she likes him and not let him treat her like shit. Things got a little hairy when her girlfriend got into a fight with K's buddy. We decided that it was time to end the evening and let them have their drama.

What a day!!!!

Politics and Tahoe Don't Mix!

My buddy S at work and I were in the middle of a discussion regarding Piers Morgan’s freaking comment about the failed Gun Registration legislation. See Tweet below…. I can’t stand foreigners who think they have the right to comment about our politics and Constitution. Especially when they’re here to make American money (and tons of it). They are spitting in the face of the American citizens that have made them rich! My freedom of speech was paid for by American patriots! Piers has his own problems in his own Country that he should be trying to solve..Not ours! How’s the Gun Ban working in your own Country Piers? Go home and fix it!

So my co-worker “J” got into an extremely passionate discussion with me regarding the failed Gun Registration legislation. He was upset that it failed and felt private interests and corporations had something to do with it. He even said that he feels that we should give up freedoms to protect ourselves!!! NO HE DIDN’T!!! Yup! No, he doesn't read my blog...and that's ok. He said that most American's want gun registration...not sure what surveys he's been reading, but he's not doing his research. He had no argument for the fact that California has one of the strictest gun regulations in the Union and there has been no change in the amount of crime. He totally ignored my comment that maybe we should enforce the laws we have to actually have some kind of impact.

It got so heated that I realized that I needed to deflect the situation, so I told him that I admired his passion. That took him down a notch. He said "Really?" and I said that yes, most Americans are apathetic and he has passion and that I'd like to see more Americans be as passionate about where this Country is headed. He kept saying that he was right...and I would reply that yes he was...in his own mind. Ah well.

I'm up at the Tahoe house and I just love it here. It's so cool to wake up to the smell of pine again and to visit the haunts. I think we may even end up at Emerald Bay to watch the sun rise. Tomorrow though, we'll be going out to breakfast and shopping. I'm looking forward to walking up and down the hills around here. My butt will appreciate it, as will my thighs! Love me some mountain torture.

I'll be seeing CC in about 4 weeks (see January posts) and we've been kinda playing a game of song titles. Trying to outdo each other in who can share the best songs. I will say that I've had to step up my game as far as a contest of wits. But I feel like I'm more myself then I was when we met.

Half of me is hoping that when I do see him that I don't feel the same "sucker punch" that I felt the first time. The other half wants to feel that magic again, but it's scary. It makes me feel exposed and ill equipped. However, I'm back in the real world and I know that fairytales don't happen, there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and I have to be realistic about the whole thing. And most importantly...I have to not over-think it. It is what it is.

As my work-husband says... "You do you"...and I intend to.

Internal Conflict

I am so freaking uptight! I'm just internally strung out. Not sure what it is that's causing it.  Probably a combination of a lot of things. I've got two close girlies going under the knife on the same day (different states), with the same surgery. Not what I would've wished for either of them. There are just some people that, you'd be happy to take their place to help them, and these two are it! They're the real deal. I'm having a difficult time articulating what I want to say.

As a matter of fact, because of this, I can't seem to articulate a fucking thing! People have been finishing words for me because I'll be saying something, come up on a word and then freeze! And my mouth just doesn't want to finish what my brain is saying. It's worse when I'm conducting a meeting and I have a bunch of people in the room and things are just not coming out right.  That is not the strong, take-charge image I need to project.

My Niece texted that she "hates her Mom" today...Yeah, I don't get along with her either, but I can't tell her that.  She has to live with her!!! It's hard taking a high road when, soon enough, my niece will figure out what we've all figured out....That no one can live with her self-centered Mom.

The ex called today to let me know my mother had left a message on his machine about needing a ride from the airport tomorrow.  After I straightened things out with my Mom, I called him back to let him know what happened.  Then I thanked him and said that I really appreciate that he's looking out for her.  He went silent, then after a moment he said "that's ok, glad I was here" with a constricted voice. Then said "I'll talk to you later".  I knew that I upset him because he was thinking of "us" and how our relationship and roles had changed.  After I hung up, I was misty-eyed because I don't like feeling like the bad guy when he brought this on our relationship. There was no where for me to go, but out. And while I'll always love him (he's the Dad to our son), I'll never be in-love with him again. I'll never see him in the same way.

Because I'm uptight, I'm responding to things that I really should be just blowing off. I think my sense of humor is shot! And my project has run into yet another hurdle.  While I know this is just a part of project management....I want to go on vacation and not deal with this project, so I need it in a spot where I can leave it comfortably.

I did have a wonderful conversation with K Girl today. She's the one I blogged about earlier (See "Prom") with the daughter who didn't know who to take to prom.  Turns out the guy her daughter is crushing on is named....Jason.  Great! See???  What I said in that Prom Blog was dead on!  Poor K is tired from all the drama and details that go along with Prom. She needs some alone time and girlie time.  She also has 6 year old twins and a potty training toddler.  She needs a break.  We discussed the advantages of being single versus married.  I think we covered all the good points of both and totally dissed the bad points.  She promised to come over and bring the kids and toss my football around with me. Nice!

I also had a fun conversation with "S" today.  Oh man, that girl is a riot. She asked me how my dinner went with a certain someone and wanted to know if the guy can't live without me now.  I started laughing and explained to her that those kinds of things generally fly over my head, and unless a man just comes out and tells me how he feels, I usually don't pick up on the signals. It's because I'm in "man mode" when it comes to that.  I love to flirt...always have, but I don't really use flirting to pick someone up.  So when someone flirts back, I'm just thinking that we're thinking alike and having fun...not that the guy wants to come home and naughty tango with me! And besides, I'm not sure where I'm at with all that stuff right now.  I think I'm in a dangerous place when it comes to men.

I even told one of my guy friends that we have to stop flirting today. He's married and I can see that the flirting is turning to a point where there could be trouble.  Dizzy is not breaking Rule Number 1! I have more than enough complications in my life to keep me busy without adding a married guy into the mix. I've always been a girl that could be friends with just about anyone, ex's, co-workers, gym rats, etc.  But there are just some barriers that can't be crossed, and if it looks like someone is going to cross it, then it's best to put some distance on it. Makes me sad, cuz I really like this person. We'll see what the future will bring.

I'm gonna make my soup, and grab Winnie The Pooh and head for some shut-eye. Yeah, I don't know how I ended up with my Niece's Winnie, but she wants him to stay with Auntie, and Auntie has been cuddling up with Winnie at night. That must be the funniest picture in the world...me, sleeping and snuggling with a stuffed Pooh Bear!  GAWD!!!

Give It All We Got Tonight

So a friend sent this song, and I've been hooked on it.  This is the kind of song that makes you weak in the knees and conjures up nothing but naughty thoughts...I swear! I now know...this is why my cousin loves George Strait!

July moonlight shines

Your pretty little head on my shoulder

Pull over on the side of the road

Oh my God, you're something

Like nothing I've ever seen

If I'm asleep girl, let me dream

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right'

Cause that's all we have in this life

Drink up this love, baby, give it all we got tonight

Summer honeysuckle

Leaking through a rolled down window

We both know when that seat lays back

Anything can happen

So imagine it'll never end

Just close your eyes and you can see that we are where we're meant to be

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right'

Cause that's all we have in this life

Baby, drink up this love, give it all we got tonight

Give it all we got tonight

Baby fall into my kiss

It should just happen like this

Trust it so much that there's no one else but us and

This moment that says it's so right

That's all we have in this life

Drink up this love, c'mon, give it all we got tonight

Give it all we got tonight

Self Worth

As a child we have an over-inflated sense of self worth.  The world revolves around us and we can’t see beyond the things we want or the things that affect us.  As we get older, most of us balance self worth out so we don’t become egotistical or conceited. It also seems to be the one value we possess that others want to demean or take away in a struggle for power.

As a kid, the Anti-Christ would always attack my self-worth by calling me names and encouraging others to do the same.  Not to mention that his constant screaming and abuse would make me feel like maybe I didn’t deserve any better.  It did not get any better until I recognized what he was doing and defended it. We all have those moments in our lives where there comes a time to do something or lose what we possess forever.

What brings up this subject for me? The girl my boy is seeing is having a hard time recognizing her self-worth and is letting her Dad yell and scream at her and call her “whore” for moving in with my boy.  She’s 20 years old. So she asked my advice about it last night and I pulled from personal experience to answer her.  I basically told her that no one is allowed to take her self-worth and that it can only be taken if she allows it to be.  She has to be the one to decide to take it back.

She also needs to move out of her role as a child and show her parents that she is a young adult, holding down a job, paying rent and taking care of business. If she responds back to them respectfully, quietly, but with boundaries, they’ll eventually come around. She cannot cave.  It’s really hard to try and impart that kind of advice when a person doesn’t know you.  I don’t want her to just hear me…I want her to feel me. That’s the only way she’s going to ‘get it’.

I lost sight of my self-worth during my marriage.  I took a back seat to a lot of things I should not have. I think the boy coming to live with us helped bring it back, because he was suffering from lack of self-worth too. In my efforts to bring it back to him, I brought it back to me. Don’t get me wrong…I made some major mistakes with him. I did some yelling that I shouldn’t have. But ultimately, I think he turned out great.  Seeing him make things happen helped me forward.

I do know what I’m worth now. I’m an average looking chick…some days I look better than others…. But I’m sharp, I’m intelligent, I work hard, I play hard, I have some mad skillz in some areas and could learn more in others. I can be funny and quick to smile. I can be the most loyal friend and will fight to the death for you.  I have no problems getting into people’s faces and calling them on their bullshit, but I expect the same thing back. I’m not perfect, but I hope my imperfections are ones that are bearable.  I can give you space to figure out your shit and embrace solitude.  I can dance down store aisles and sidewalks with confidence and I can walk beside you with confidence as you do the same.  No one is allowed to take my self-worth, because I will not allow it.  It might seem like I’m letting you at first, but push me just enough and I come back swinging.  This is what I’d like for my Boy’s girl.  Hope she finds it.

STUFF

Would you believe that my taxes rejected??? Sup with that?  I had to make adjustments and use my old address.  Ah well.  Thank God there’s a grace period.  I know ALL about efile…don’t I Peeps? I may have to look at different software next year, but for now…I think we’ll be ok.

I’ve been blending my own green smoothies for breakfast.  It really helps to have everything already cut and ready to go.  I basically do a mixed fruit (strawberries, cantaloupe, pineapple, honeydew, grapes), kale, a thinly sliced veggie mix that includes Brussels sprouts, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower, dried cranberries and pumpkin seeds.  I add a scoop of Acai powder and a little tangerine juice.  Yum! My skin is looking fabulous. It’s better to have a little something in my stomach in the mornings.  I’d been slacking off and just going for coffee.  Not good.

During the week, my main meal is lunch and dinner is a light soup. So for lunch I have a monster salad (not one of those nimby pimby girlie salads) and I finally weaned myself off of dressing and just use a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. My salad always consists of tons of garbanzo beans, beets, sunflower seeds, carrots, red onion, boiled egg,  mushrooms, the veggie mix (described above) and sometimes a little blue cheese and bacon sprinkles (those are the bad items).

Dinner, I make my own egg drop soup. I used to do the broth by hand…and every once in a while, I still do.  But I discovered “Better than Bouillon” chicken base. So I take chopped up garlic and green onion, a little spinach or kale and sauté with a little olive oil and a splash of sesame oil and some pepper.  Once I’ve reduced that down, I put in the BTB and the appropriate amount of water, heat till just boiling, then add a mixed egg in swirls.  Yum! Has my veggies and protein but light on the stomach and easy for me to sleep.  The great thing about this base is that you can mix it up a bit.  I can put in won tons,  or leave out the sesame oil and go for more of a traditional chicken soup with chunks of chicken in it.  It’s up to your imagination…and I can imagine a lot!!!  Then it’s bedtime till 3ish and Vin Diesel calls.

Vin is sounding a little raspy.  I noticed it this morning on the right side of the StairMaster pedal.  Dizzy is not a happy camper.  She’ll be checking it out and lubing up Vin to see what happens tomorrow.  I’m really hoping it’s not the magnetic wheel resistance.  If it is, could be a bit pricey to fix.  If that doesn’t work, I may call someone in to check the machine.  I purposely bought a commercial StairMaster so I wouldn’t be plagued with issues, and so far, Vin has held up for the past 8 years. I can’t complain. I don’t want to take it apart because of the kind of machine that it is, and it does have its own battery backup.  That baby took me a while to pay off, but it’s been so worth it…as the body will attest to.  Thanks Vin.  Until tomorrow’s ass-kicking!

Everything Happens on Tax Day

April 15th.  Of course, I have to be one of the last people to file my taxes today.  That's cuz Dizzy is writing a fat check to IRS and FTB.  This one hurt people, but at least I know now where I stand as far as withholding, etc. April 15th is always a craptacular day.  Those of you who know me, know where I work and it's always busy. It stands to reason that a person who works where I do, would put off filing until the last minute...especially when they owe.  However, I'm a firm believer of e-file and this just proves my point that you can file from the convenience of your computer and not have to deal with the post office.  Plus, you get proof of filing.

Unfortunately, to hear about the bombings in Boston is heartbreaking.  We learned the hard way that things can happen on American soil, but now Americans must unite and take back their Country!  Not with more laws, but by enforcing the laws that we have. It is up to us, or we will continue to suffer casualties on our own turf.  I will await judgement until we know more details, but it's still difficult to deal with.

Also got some bad news from my sista from anutha mutha...she will have to have surgery to combat her cancer.  IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! But we have another week to find out how in depth this surgery and follow up is going to be. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying that we're not talking Chemo here. So any good thoughts and prayers you could send my Sista's way would be greatly appreciated.

I'm back on my exercise routine and..as soon as this blog is finished, will be giving Colin Farrell (my bowflex) an open can of whupass!  I was hoping to mow the lawn, but with the rain, it looks like I'll have to wait. It doesn't take long for this half acre to look like a freaking jungle! Dizzy has to treat her yard like the ocean and never turn her back on it. I do have a cool yard, so I'm not complaining.  And although the work is enormous, it will keep my butt in shape.  I'm just wondering what the age is going to be where I throw in the towel and hire someone to do it (if I can afford that). Ah well.

Had some fun with the emails today. This person had me laughing big time!  However, Dizzy has come up with a suitable response for tomorrow's song sharing episode (I'm still giggling) and am willing to bet that I'm gonna be in trouble after shooting this cannon ball over the bow. Ah, I have to remember that paybacks are a bitch.  Fun...but a bitch!

So what's next for this week?  Got lots to do before TAHOE Baby!!!  I just know its going to be beautiful at the Coyote House this weekend. So looking forward to it. We'll see about getting the yard mowed and my wax appointment moved up.  Yeah...It's self-inflected pain time....ah well.

Beautiful Day

So this morning I requisitioned supplies for the house...you know, toilet paper, paper towels, olive oil, pistachio's etc.  And I worked on my taxes...which I still have to finish tonight...UGH!  But I got home and was putting the supplies away and got a text from my Girlie....Day Drinking Time!!!

My Girlie KW has a pool and said that she'd been sunbathing, which I knew meant that I'd need to put my ass in a bikini...If you can't do it with family...who can you do it with? So I packed it up and headed over.  RJ was there and we proceeded to down shots.  Oh Yeah Baby....TEQUILA DOWN!

I think I ended up with 6 shots in my belly.  Yum.  I really don't like the fact that I can down copious amounts of tequila and still function. That is a statistic that doesn't make me proud. If I swear off of the stuff for a year, I think I could get my limit down.  But I did just fine with the shots I had and headed outside for a tan.

Today was one of those days where you're thankful to be alive. The sun is shining, the temp is perfect.  I couldn't understand why people were not smiling in Costco.  They were grumpy and their mouths were turned down, and here I had a shit-eating grin on my face and I was pissing everyone off.  Not my intention, but as far as I'm concerned...they can just suck it!

So I reclined in the lounge chair and soaked up the rays.  It was totally awesome!  We listened to some Collective Soul on the stereo and chillaxed!

I headed home to BBQ. I had picked up this awesome fillet of Salmon.  If you know me, you know my favorite fish is salmon...raw or cooked, it just doesn't matter to me.  So I fired up the BBQ and seasoned up my fish.  My neighbors C and M dropped by to check out the latest improvements to the crib, then headed out, and I put the fish on the grill.  I seasoned it with smoked paprika,  pepper and a little porterhouse seasoning. As you can see from the pics, the fillet was more than necessary for one person, but when you're buying from Costco....

 I think it's important for a person to do some cooking for themselves.  I save my cooking for the weekends.  During the week, I make my rendition of egg drop soup for dinner.  What's the point?  I don't like to go all out, I eat light so I can sleep better and there's no one here to enjoy it with me, so I keep it simple.  During the weekends, I like to really do it right, even if it is for one person. But I can't deny that enjoying the salmon by myself isn't what I would choose for myself.

I just pulled the salmon off the grill, and I'm going to crack open a nice bottle of wine and enjoy a glass with it.  I have Kenny Chesney playing in the background and the citronella candles lit on the patio.  It is a prime evening. I can tell I'll be eating salmon salad all week, but oh well.  At least it's healthy.

Tomorrow is another day Peeps.  I hope this blog finds you all well, happy and loved. Until tomorrow...TAX DAY!

Can't Take Much More Enlightenment...

So today I hit the 2nd Saturday in Sacramento. This is an art walk that features wine, all different kinds of art and people watching at its finest.  OMG, we spotted this one chick in a leopard skin mini dress that had to be at LEAST 5 sizes to small for her.  Doesn't this girl have any BFFs that would have her back and tell her "Honey, don't go out in public in that...it just isn't you"? Uh...guess not!

It was a fun time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Then headed to Strikes Bar with my friends to enjoy a rock country band.  Lots of fun.  My friend RJ was there and he knows my old flame RD. So I told him about meeting up with RD for lunch and catching up. Then I told him what RD said about me being married (see previous post). So KW, my girlie BFF pipes in that when I was in my twenties, guys had a difficult time coming up to me.  They were intimidated and didn't know how to take someone who was so independent and didn't give a fuck. WOW...That was a hard one to swallow.

I told RJ that for the most part that I'd date a guy no more than 5 times and call it history.  He said "you're really proud of that, aren't you?"  Then he says that "He'd like to know about the man that made me this way".  I told him it was a long story that couldn't be told in a bar, but I didn't date this man.

I've already told the story about the AntiChrist, but he's the one that made me distrustful. And for the record...I'm not proud.  I'm actually sad about being that person. I'm sad that I intimidated guys and that the only guys that I went out with actually saw past that tough exterior. I'm sad that I may have hurt someone's feelings.  I know what it's like to be rejected and I know what it's like to think that I might not have a chance with someone.  I just never thought that I was that person that did it to others.

Let's face it....I still do it.  I'm working really hard on it, but it's hard not to think that some man is going to try and fuck me over and that I need to be at least one step ahead of the game so I don't get hurt. How sad is that? Maybe that's what RW and KW meant by my rules. That I'm purposely trying to put up  walls so no one can get in. So I don't have to take risks...even though the rules are pretty common sense rules, its the fact that I have them and posted them that perhaps made them think that I'm barrier building.

I'm really worried that "the" man will come along, and my nature will sabotage the one chance at magic that I may have. I do know who I am, but hearing these things from my past and seeing it through someone else's eyes wasn't what I expected. Did I block out the bitch that I was so I wouldn't have to think about hurting someone else? Have I changed enough to allow a little bit of trust between me and someone that may be interested in me?  I think I have.  I think I've actually taken quite a bit of risk this past year and trusted enough to allow someone in that I've never met and live in the moment.

I just was never really prepared to hear those observations come from my friends and my gut reaction to those observations. I'm ok with it. I would much rather hear truth than smoke up my ass. My friends know this.  I don't even think they realize the impact that I'm feeling.

Although I've managed to stay friends with just about all of my ex's, I just want to put this out into the universe, whether you read this or not.  I'm sorry. I never meant to be a bitch.  I never meant to demean you're efforts to be a significant part of my life. I'm sorry that I didn't trust enough to allow you in. I will do my best in the future to just live each day for what it is and to trust that I'll get through that day just fine and be respectful of the feelings of the man that I am with.

Dizzy is going to bed now.  She doesn't like facing the past and the judgement calls she made that may have hurt other people. Don't get her wrong, she doesn't mind fucking up your shit if you deserve it. She's all over that! But if you didn't deserve it, she doesn't like thinking that maybe the impact she may have made in your life wasn't one that would benefit your future.  Dizzy is feeling like the worse kind of skank right now.

G'nite Peeps...I'm headed for the Fireball and Tequila!

Indoctrination from our Schools

“Those willing to give up freedom for security deserve neither freedom nor security.”  Benjamin Franklin.

I came across this today, and I felt it was important to blog about. It came out of an article from The Blaze in Florida.  I just copied the key part….

“Aaron Harvey's son wrote as part of a school lesson, "I am willing to give up some of my constitutional rights in order to be safer or more secure." TheBlaze has redacted the child's name.

Harvey's son attends Cedar Hills Elementary in Jacksonville, Fla. Back in January, a local attorney came in to teach the students about the Bill of Rights. But after the attorney left, fourth-grade teacher Cheryl Sabb dictated the sentence to part of the class and had them copy it down, he said.”

WTF?? What gives a school teacher the right to push their personal views on to impressionable minds of children?  This is wrong on so many levels, but happens every day in this Country.  If we as parents are not vigilant regarding our children’s education, then our children will be indoctrinated before we even know what’s hit us!

Thank God the father had the good sense to forward his concerns to the paper and have the school and teacher outed. Unfortunately, this is only the beginning.  You have another moron by the name of “Melissa Harris-Perry” out there spouting that “Your kids don’t belong to you – but the whole community”. Well, if this is how the “community” teaches children, we have a bigger fight on our hands than most people realize. In my opinion, the community and our Country belongs to our children.

We cannot afford to be complacent or apathetic! We have to speak out, fight against this kind of brain-washing.  Our freedoms have been paid and continue to be paid for by the blood of patriots. To ignore these concerns is to turn your back on everything this Country is supposed to stand for.  It frustrates me to no end (Gee Diz….really???).   Sorry my friends.  There is so much more I could say, but sometimes I feel like I’m pushing against a brick wall.

I have a friend that just told me she doesn’t concern herself with voting or what’s going on.  I wanted to slap the apathy right out of her. Really??? You and people like you are the reason this Country is going down the toilet.  Freedom isn’t easy. Your rights will always be taken by someone who is willing to take it, if you don’t fight to keep it.  It is these kinds of people that one day, wake up and shake their heads, wondering what happened and how did they end up in this situation….Just like the citizens of Germany. Only, it will be too late for them to do anything about it.  Grrrrrr!!!

Ok, done with that diatribe.  

Dizzy is doing some "grooming" today, i.e. the annual (or sometimes semi-annual) hair straightening  process.  Which has commenced that the poison is on my head right now.  Ah, the things women to do avoid frizz. 

I also have to do my taxes this weekend.  My whole unit put off their taxes until this week. I guess its something about always being around them, etc.  I don't know.  

I need to drop by and visit the Beanster tomorrow also.  She's feeling a bit unloved and neglected because her Mommy isn't taking her tummy aches seriously.  Sometimes its so hard to be on the outside and be a good Auntie.  If my sister isn't careful, she may drive away my niece.  She's so damned temperamental and moody. My sister screams at the drop of a hat. She's always been self absorbed and difficult to live with.  Ugh!

Until tomorrow my friends...I'm checking out the Kenny Chesney video "Come Over".