A Small Glimpse Into The Female Psyche

Ok, partial female…. I’m not a “Girlie Girl” per se. As much as I know how guys like that kind of thing, it just isn’t me. Now I make the exception when it comes to perfume and finger nails. A great fragrance covers a multitude of sins! My signature fragrance is one that both men and women will complement me on. When women feel compelled to grant you a solid, you know it’s not just good…it’s effing GREAT! I have my nails done because I do so much with my hands (i.e. type, play in the dirt, gardening, house, car, etc.) that they would look like complete crap if I didn’t. The bonus is that there isn’t a man alive that doesn’t love to have a woman’s fingernails run up and down his back… When a man purrs, you’re golden!

Other than that, I’m happiest with minimal amounts of makeup, clothes and sans shoes (usually in Mexico). However, I know the power of positive dressing and how it makes the difference between an unproductive meeting and a meeting that rocks. When I have important meetings with external customers or upper management, Dizzy refers to these as “Dance Monkey Dance” days. In the movie Zoolander (the first movie I saw after the fall of the twin towers) there is a scene where Derek is dressed up like a monkey with cymbals. He’s participating in a photo session, and the photographer is screaming at him to “Dance Monkey” and Derek is struggling to make the man happy. I feel the same way on “Dance Monkey Dance” Days (lets refer to them as DMD).

On these days, I’m a power dresser! I have all the makeup on, and I’m talking fashion model thick. The hair is in place. I’ve even got the lip liner on. I’m very monochromatic, preferring black and white, sometimes grey. If I need to throw off my audience (usually consisting of men) I’ll throw in a splash of red. Something about red triggers specific reactions that I need to play off of.

Oh, and I wear heels to heaven. According to the height chart at Kaiser, I stand 5 feet 8 inches. When I wear heels on DMD days, I go big or I go the fuck home! Usually 4 inches, and some have platforms on them. No matter how I’m feeling or how intimidated I am, I stride like I own the building, your house, car and you! It’s funny, but I get compliments on how confident I am, and if they only knew that I’m a freaking fraud. My stomach is in knots, my heart is racing, but by God, I’ve got a mission to accomplish and no one can help the fool that gets in my way! Any woman in my kind of position calculates the effect that she needs to have and adjusts accordingly. If your woman tells you different…..

Yesterday was one of those DMD days. I had a couple of vendors coming in and we had things to accomplish. I knew I was giving the effect I needed when I met the first person in the lobby. And yes, I towered and had the stride to match. Check out these shoes below! They were built for intimidation!

The meeting went well and everyone’s participation level was 100%...except for one person. This person had the nerve to be absent from our meetings for over 2 months, then come in and say that they won’t be ready for implementation by the end of June. You know those cartoon characters where the smoke comes out of the ears and nose? Yeah, that was Dizzy. I had to dig my fake nails into my arms to stop myself from unloading on this person in front of our guests. I managed to do it, but after the meeting was over and our guests gone…I was on a rampage! I got my management and their management involved (this person has a reputation of doing this kind of thing, hates women, and doesn’t like to relinquish control) and set up a separate meeting with key outside resources to refute the arguments as to why this person can’t bring their piece of this project to fruition by the end of June.

I absolutely hate showing my bitchy side at work. It’s extremely rare for me, and when I bring hell, everyone pretty much knows that something big is up. I like negotiating to get what I need, being friendly and personable, bringing the team together, etc. I’m pretty good at it and although I make mistakes, I’m requested for projects because my teammates and I work well together. BUT NOT THIS TEAM MATE! UGH! If I had a bottle of tequila at work, it would’ve been emptied and I’d have licked the inside of the bottle dry!

It’s days like these that I wonder what I’m doing in the field that I’m in. I’m one certificate away from Dive Master, and I think I’d like to retire giving dive tours in Fiji or Mexico and custom building websites on the beach. That totally sounds doable!!!

Just a side note….the men I “hang” with don’t have a problem with the heels (on the rare occasion I wear them outside of work). They’re confident, even if I’m taller with the heels on. And I don’t have a problem if my man is shorter than I am. I’m with that man for a reason…and height has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with why I’m with them! I stride by my man’s side with a smug look that says…”Yeah, I’m satisfied and don’t you wish you were too?”