Stuff....

So the Ex dropped by to pick up something out of the shed, and brought dinner with him. I actually said that I have to pass because it's hard to do "Colin" with a full stomach, and I didn't want to screw up a routine that I'm in my third week on.  Plus, afterward I needed to make/bake my cheddar sausage biscuits for work tomorrow.  Tomorrow is a huge day with 2 important meetings that I skipped Akumal, MX for, so I need to get this right.

Part of me felt bad for turning him down, but part of me felt like I needed to do this, because I know we're never getting back together.  We're divorced for a reason.  But it's hard because he is a good man, a kind man, a faithful man. So I know that the dinner was out of the kindness of his heart, along with the desire to get back together....  He already told me that he would continue to pursue me.  I hope for his sake, that he doesn't because he'll only end up hurt in the long run, and that isn't what I want for him.

It feels good to know that I have walked away and that it isn't necessary for me to re-visit the past, but I know how hard it is to have feelings for someone and not have those feelings returned. It's a different kind of pain that doesn't go away easily. So you try and fill up your day with...things, activities, people and hope that the feeling will ebb and that you'll pull your head out of your ass and look to the future for something different, something better. I can only wish the best for him because he is a good Dad and as I said before, a good man.

As for me, I'm looking for different, better, exciting, challenging, thought-provoking, funny, adventurous, calming, soothing, something.... Since it may take awhile, I'm working on me for now. I need to focus on my work, on my body (my goal is for a more muscular physique without losing the girlie look...can't believe I said that...), and especially my head.  My heart can wait. My heart has been waiting for years and it's quite used to it by now, so a little longer won't hurt anything.  And if I get desperate...I guess I can start looking at kittens (but I'm still not ready for that yet either).

Ok Peeps, gotta pull out the last batch of biscuits and get to bed!  I'm already past my bedtime.