How Much Is Too Much???

So I'm talking with my BFF today about blogging about my "man-hater militant" mentality, i.e. where it comes from and the baggage that goes with it. She plays Devil's Advocate with me to come up with a decision on "How much is too much" to post on a blog.

Something I learned in Adult Children of Alcoholics was a phrase that goes "You're only as sick as your secrets". That resonated with me, because I was always one to hold everything inside.  I held my childhood inside, I held the issues with my family inside and it was literally eating me, devouring my soul. So, little by little, I started talking and opening up...first with my really good friends (the ones that I know would die for me) and then more and more outside the circle. Now, oddly enough, I've come full circle in that I'm now questioning what I shouldn't be telling, cuz I'm willing to spill my guts and let it fly. However, the weird thing is that I'm not willing to expose my feelings to someone I care about because I don't want to hand over control....how sick is that?

So I pose the question to you? How much is too much to post on a blog? Now, I try to not give up any identities when I blog and unless I've personally directed you to this blog, you don't really know who I am, etc. The things I post about shouldn't get me fired or anything. However, I know that I can run the risk of losing friends or relationships by the things I post and that can be seen as both positive and negative.  Negative = I'm losing someone that meant something to me. Positive = If I've lost that person over something I've said, that they didn't want to hash it out with me, then maybe we weren't the friends I thought we were...

These days I keep very few secrets close to the vest. Now granted, there are things I wouldn't tell specific people because of their vocal indiscretions, and one secret I keep because...having seen how others have reacted to someone else's exposure leads me to believe that I'll be unfairly judged and not seen as me, but for the most part, everything else is ok.

Secrets can be a relationship killer. I'd rather know up front if my partner wants someone else, than keep me in the dark and finding out the hard way.  Honestly, I'd rather you just tell me that you don't want to be with me or that you want to fuck someone else, so we could still end up friends.  I make a really horrible enemy, but if we're tight, I'd die for you.

Or if the relationship is a BFF....I think I've come close to losing a couple of BFFs because of secrets I've kept. Granted, after we talked it out and they understood my side of the situation, I came out ok, and we're still tight.  However, it scares me how close I came to losing them over a decision I made long ago for the right reasons and not telling them about it.

I will eventually blog about that decision and what it entailed, but not tonight. Tonight is the "should I, or shouldn't I" question. I've said before that this blog allows me to leech poison out of my system. It allows you to actually see me, whether you know me or not. To be honest, I don't feel that I'm that great of a person.  I'm just a person that does the best that they can. I have a very difficult time forgiving, and I definitely never forget! I am vengeful, opinionated, passionate, a real pain in the ass!  My fear is that you may get to know me too well through this blog and walk away because of my true nature. But whatever fears I have, I try and tamp them down, walk through them with my head held high, because I can't let fear win. I did that as a kid, and was miserable! Now, I try and take fear on, head first..I will make fear my bitch!

So, what do you think? As long as I don't spill YOUR deepest, darkest secrets, are you good with whatever comes down the pike? Is there a limit or a line that I shouldn't cross? Should I expose everything? What are my limitations?  I could really use your feedback on this one world.  Let me know what you think.

On a lighter note, I spent the afternoon with a BFF picking up my wine club selections from Todd Taylor (OMG, if you've never had this man's wines...they are effing panty droppers!!!) and having a good time reconnecting. I've known this BFF since Jr. HS and she's always been there for me. She knows what a fucking pain in the ass that I am and still hasn't tossed me aside.  She was there during the dark days when I never talked about my home life, the fucking Anti-Christ Step-Father, or anything, and was still willing to hang with me.  Of course, now she can't shut me up but still loves me. She was one of my bridesmaids that, when I had to cancel my wedding, didn't ask me why, but instead said that she would be there for me and just to let her know what she needed to do (SKR was another one that responded the same way).

You know, although I can't give up their identities, the aforementioned ladies (along with LW, DP, KV, TS, AA, KA) I know would die for me. They call me on my shit, and they love me.  I'm really lucky and blessed that somehow, they ended up in my life.  I really pity the fool that will have to pass their inspection to be by my side.  They are SO GONNA FUCK YOU UP! I may end up a spinster!