"It's 4:03 and I can't Sleep"

"Without you next to me...I toss and turn like the sea".  Ok, it's not really 4:03, but it feels like it could be.

It's always when the night is at it's quietest...My mind seethes and rages.  I long for calm and tranquility and find it ever elusive. I can hear the train in the distance...the long whistle...which you can't hear during the day because I'm too far away and the ambient noises obscure any possibility of hearing the Roseville Train Yard. The whistle does evoke memories of a long ago escapade in a train caboose with a man whose name escapes me (and his name is not worth remembering). He was a pretty boy, and really had no substance between his ears.  And, as I recall,  the only time I've been on a train, and I wasn't there to ride it.

Why can't I find peace? I should be worn out!  I worked out today, cleaned house, went to two different bars to meet friends. I should be getting quality beauty sleep...God knows I need it. The moon is out and although it's not quite a full moon, it is beautiful nonetheless. Still, it doesn't soothe me like it usually does.  It just brings me unanswered questions, and these questions wage a battle in my soul that just won't be quieted.

I got an offer to spend the next week in Akumal. As much as I'd like to go, there's things to be done on my project that cannot wait. But my heart is always in Mexico.  It seems like the best things usually happen there. And with the way our Country is going, I may have to escape there...

There are times when I really feel like I've got this whole "being single" thing on lock...and then there's other times when I feel like I've been cast adrift in a violent storm and I'm holding on to the mast for dear life, just hoping I don't get swept over the side by an errant wave. I'm always strong, I always fight and nothing is going to take me down easily, but I wonder...is the majority of our lives spent being strong and fighting? Do most people feel like there's only a small part of their lives that are calm?

I listen to relaxation programs before I go to bed to help ease my mind and drop my blood pressure.  But within a couple of hours, I'm awake again. My mind churns, and I spend another couple of hours trying to calm it.  Then the cycle begins all over again.  Maybe I do need another kitty. Maybe I need to come up with a new way to exhaust myself.

Actually, I need a man with huge hands to give me a body rub. That would put me out. And not a pansy body rub either.  I hate it when it's just those little squeezes that doesn't accomplish a damned thing except to irritate the crap out of me! I want fingers digging and to feel my muscles being manipulated. I want it hard and rough! I want to feel like my muscles have been used and abused and I want to be able to feel it 2 days later! And after manipulating my muscles, I want my skin rubbed down until it tingles. And I want world peace and all children to be fed...not necessarily in that order.

Ah well...If wishes were horses, then dreamers would ride.  If I could just get some damned sleep, maybe I could be the dreamer!