Do People Really Go Back???

A couple of months back I was asked a question.  After separating and divorcing my husband, had we gotten together? I.E, had we had sex after the breakup? Really???  Do people actually have sex with their partners after breaking up with them?  I thought the question odd, and after asking around, realized that maybe, it wasn't as odd as it seemed.

However, this person really didn't know me or the history behind the divorce.  This breakup, unfortunately, was years in the making. While I can be a bit forward thinking when it come to sex and fun, I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to relationships.  In my mind, marriage is forever. That is what I went into it with and that is how I wanted it to be.  The ring on my finger signifies something.  It signifies the bond and the contract I made with my husband. I never thought I'd be divorced. I never thought in a million years that I would be the person asking for the divorce.

When I asked for the divorce, the marriage was irrevocably broken. It had been heading in this direction for years. I had stopped wearing my ring for about 4 years because it no longer stood for what it was supposed to.  No, I didn't cheat, I just checked out of the marriage.  When the ring went back on my finger, I thought that we were mending our relationship. That was not the case, and after my MIL passed away, I requested to end it. 

In my mind and in my heart, once it was broken, it was over. A phone call I had received snapped the marriage into two pieces, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not and would not bring those pieces back together. I could not go back. We actually vacationed together for a month in Cabo (see previous blogs in October, 2010) because we both needed the trip after Mom's death, Dad's pace maker and the Ex's broken femur.  That was a cruel lesson in how you just can't go back. He thought we'd get together, and I wouldn't let him touch me. It was a comedy of cruel errors and I know I ended up hurting him far more than had we not vacationed together.  I'm more of a black/white person, although I'm learning about grey areas.  To me, once it was over, it was over. The task of starting my life was in front of me and I couldn't taint that with the possibilities of what was once "us". 

It still hurts though. I wonder if I'm good enough. I wasn't good enough for my ex to quit drinking for me...I gave up children because of his addiction, but that wasn't good enough either. I wonder if a man will take me as I am.  I am a warped soul, with a warped sense of humor. I am blunt, I am stubborn, I have expectations, I have scars and they're not pretty when I'm naked. I am strong and opinionated. I am independent, but I need someone to hold me and tell me that I'm the one. I don't believe in fairytales, and I've experienced magic once last October. What is the chance that I could possibly experience it again? 

Can I go back? Fuck No! I can only go forward, but that step is a step into the vast unknown. A step that will require me to take chances.  A step that will force me to confront the very things that I don't want to confront. It will require me to bare my soul and I don't know if I can do that. Hell, I haven't bared my soul completely...ever!  How horrible is that?  I have some BFF's that know most of me, but there is a tiny bit that I haven't exposed, and I'm scared too. I'm terribly scared to tell someone that I'm willing to lay it all on the line for them.  My self-preservation is in high gear. 

Do people really go back?  I think some do, because they feel safe with the "familiar". They're in between stages of their lives and it's safer to fuck the person you know then to fuck someone different and have to deal with the things that go with that decision. But I've always been a person that wants more than a simple fuck. Yes, I'm not going to lie, I've enjoyed the "booty call", but it doesn't leave me satisfied. It's always been the risk that intrigues me. The risk that I might have to risk my heart, my soul, my core...everything for intimacy, for  mind-blowing orgasms and maybe even for love...if it's possible.