"Let's Go Get The Shit Kicked Out Of Us By Love"

In looking back over my blog, I realized the last time was just after my Nephew's death.  A lot has happened since then. I started updating my journals and actually writing letters (I'll get to that), but I seriously neglected my DizRant!

In the time away, I've divorced, gone through a boyfriend, completely renovated a house right down to the studs, and so much more. My New Year's Resolutions this year are to keep up with the Blog, let my control go when it comes to my private life and live in the moment.

The title of this blog comes from one of my favorite holiday movies "Love Actually". I really feel like that is exactly what love does...kicks the shit out of you! I'm usually ok with that...until recently. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend...for all of the right reasons. And then....

This man (We'll call him CC) opens a door and walks into the room, I lock eyes with him, and the world goes silent.  I actually stop talking in mid-sentence and I just follow his eyes as he walks in and then out the door. I don't actually see him, couldn't describe him to you, just those smoldering eyes. I don't believe in this "love-at-first-sight" crap, but I don't know how else to describe that moment. I knew from my core, that it was "On".

Now that a couple of months has gone by since that moment, I'm starting to pull my head out of my ass (sorry about the blunt speech, but this is how this blog rolls...).  I'm re-evaluating me and what I want out of a man. Do I think I'll have a future with CC? I would love one, but I seriously doubt it. Yes, we had fun and made some fantastic memories.  I will never forget the time I spent with him and it is because of that time that I'm re-evaluating things.  He taught me that I have to let go and that I can't control everything.  I have to be "in the moment" to actually enjoy what I'm experiencing.  He totally called me out on my bullshit and it was a total epiphany. But he has "set the bar" so damned high now.

Part of me wishes that I didn't meet CC, so I won't have ever known how fun, and exciting this feeling can be. But part of me is happy to have actually experienced it.  I gotta tell ya people...I was a COMPLETE idiot around this man.  I could not articulate one decent sentence or anything. My heart always beat a million times a second around this guy. Even my BFF said that I acted like I was 16 years old, and I didn't act that way when I was 16!

Those of you who know me, know that I analyze every stinking aspect of my life. I don't take chances and I weigh the pros and cons of everything! Yeah, well...not this time. I jumped in with both feet and my hands above my head screaming like it was my first time jumping off a diving board! Really Diz???? REALLY?  What the frak was I thinking?

Because I haven't been blogging, I've written letters to CC that he'll never read. Yes, I have his address and could actually send them now (another story), but the things I've written in these letters exposes too much of me.  I've told my BFF that if I take a dirtnap any time soon, she has to go into my nightstand and burn those letters for me.

The hard part is trying not to compare every man I meet with this one!  I also wonder if I see him now, will I have the same feelings I did then, or will I actually have my wits about me and be able to evaluate things on a normal basis.  Or maybe I just don't have a stinking clue as to what normal is anymore. I'm in uncharted territory.

I've actually met a really nice man a couple of weeks ago, but I'm wondering how objective I can be and if I've just set myself up for failure because I'm searching for something that just doesn't exist. I want it all! I want "happily ever after", fantastic sex, laughter and fun. I don't want to be solely responsible for taking care of a man, I want a joint effort.  I want to be a partner in a relationship. UGH!!!

And these are the thoughts that have plagued me for the last couple of months. I got the shit kicked out of me by love, and the worst part is....I don't even know if I'm happy about it or just plain pissed off.