Pranks...

If you know me, you know that I have an extremely warped sense of humor. Some of you have been at the receiving end of it and fortunately for me, I’m still alive to tell the tale. I’ve always had a bit of an impish streak and if you open the door, just a crack, I’ll walk right through and try to pull one over on you.

My poor BFF WJT used to work for Monsanto (Ortho products) on the telephones. If you had a problem with the product (weed killer, etc) or if you ingested it, you call the number to find out what to do. One day, I called her and disguised my voice as an old lady and told her that “Fluffy my kitty, accidently ate some of the weed killer and that I don’t know what to do”! I even started gasping "help me, Fluffy's throat is closing up"! Yeah, I know it was bad, but in my defense, it was when I was in my 20’s. That’s when I did most of my bad stuff. I even told her, with a straight face, that the reason the horses don’t poop during the British royal wedding processions is because they use “Horse Corks” and don’t pull the plugs till they’re back at the stables. Don’t get me wrong…I always ‘fessed up within about 5 to 10 minutes…except one time.

My ex-wife LW and I (I call her my ex-wife because we lived together for over 7 years and that qualified us for common law marriage…she didn’t want to marry me though, and took off with some military guy…I bet she wants me now!) used to work downtown for a Legislative Bill Tracking Service. Sometimes we’d work really late at night so we had a snack drawer where we kept different things to stave off hunger. Well, one of our co-workers “Helen” would go into the drawer and eat all of the snacks, so when we’d go looking for something, there’d be nothing left. We didn’t have a problem, per se, with her taking it if she’d just replace it. But no, no matter how many times we’d call her on it, nothing would happen. We told her to stay out of the drawer, but she wouldn’t do it. So I decided to fix her! I bought a couple of packages of Mickey chocolate cupcakes…the kind with the peel off frosting. I peeled off the frosting and set it aside. Then I melted chocolate ex-lax and smeared the tops quite liberally with the laxative. I then put the peel off frosting back over the cupcakes, put them on a small saucer and covered them with Saran wrap. Into the drawer they went (I had no idea that a person could have serious consequences if they ingest too much laxative) and the next morning…3 of them were gone! Don’t worry…you can eat whatever I prepare for you…trust me!

Another time, my Mom had married a Marine, he in full dress uniform and her in one of those poofy Scarlett O'Hara bustle wedding dress. She gave me a picture of the moment and I had it sitting on a coffee table in my apartment. My Mom (back in the day) and I looked alike. Even during Jr. HS and HS, the receptionists would always comment how close we looked. So in walks the guy I’m seeing and he spots the picture. He’s looking at it for a couple of minutes and then looks up at me and says (yes, he opened the door) “I didn’t know you were married before”. I said, “yes, it was a mistake and I’m trying to get over it”. He commented that the guy was so much older than me. I said that I chose someone older because I didn’t want to deal with all the baggage that came with younger guys, but that I realized my mistake and got a divorce. We dialoged for a couple of minutes, and I broke out laughing and said “That’s my Mom”! He was SO MAD! He held a grudge about it for the longest time, but I thought it was funny.

My Mom used to sell the “Naughty Lady” line of lingerie and toys. She had given me a “glow in the dark” Dildo…one of those old ones that used to have wires sticking out (this was still in my 20’s). I yanked the wires out and had it sitting in the window sill of our (my ex-wife) kitchen townhouse (no people, it had never been used!). Her parents were quite a bit older and regular church goers. They drop by and we’re having a conversation in the kitchen and I notice that the dildo is sitting in plain view of her parents. I’m sure they just thought I was a horrible influence on their precious daughter.

Later on, we end up having a party at the townhouse with some members from a local rock band (if I tell you the name, you’d ID the drummer). The drummer was quite inebriated (so effed up that he got on his knees in a puddle of champagne and begged me to see the twins. Uh yeah…NO! I was pretty mean and very body conscious at the time) and found the dildo in the kitchen. He made everyone turn out the lights and was playing with the darn thing like a light saber. It was hysterical! On the night of their last performance, I wrapped it up and put it in a shoe box. It was presented to him on the stage in front of the entire audience. The funny thing was, the guitarist ended up playing with the darn thing and stealing it.

When I want to, I have the ability to keep a stone straight face when pulling off these pranks. I pulled one on my boy that didn’t quite have the effect I was going for. This was before we adopted him. We’re driving down the road on April Fool’s Day and his Uncle (now Dad, and my ex) was in Oregon visiting relatives. The Boy is in his junior year of high school. He asks me what his Uncle is doing in Oregon and I say “He’s looking for a home for us to purchase and move into”. The Boy asks why, and I say that his Uncle’s family really needs him close by right now and we feel that it would be best to pick up and move. Now keep in mind, The Boy and I had been discussing April Fool’s all morning and talking about the best way to trick each other, etc.

As I’m driving, I notice that he’s completely silent. I look over and he’s got tears in his eyes. I ask him what is wrong and he lets out this torrent of emotion about finally having friends and liking his school and now we want to move him. I looked over and said (with a really sorrowful voice) April Fool’s? OMG, the stuff hit the fan! He was so angry. I told him “We’ve been talking about pranks all morning and I thought for sure you’d figure this one out”. I apologized and told him that there was no way I’d ever choose to move him after all the moving he’d done as a kid and that this was and would always be his home. I just had no clue how deep his emotions ran about home and roots. He realized that I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings and we laugh about it now, but man…that one really hurt my heart!

So I’m better about picking my pranks, but you just never know…..